I don’t know how I found her room. One moment, the hallways had swallowed me up, and the next, they’d spit me out in a familiar place.
My hand hovered over Estrel’s closed door. A wave of emotion rose inside me. Hurt, confusion, and a coiled fury I was afraid to touch, lest it spring to life and consume me. Fueled by more than just my anger at Estrel, it felt a drop away from roiling into an uncontrollable sea.
I slammed my fist into Estrel’s door twice. I half hoped she wouldn’t be there, that it’d turn out she’d been called away on some urgent business. But after a brief pause, a voice I would know anywhere called, “Who is it?”
“Me.”
Silence. Then, “Now isn’t a good time, Thia.”
I stilled as an unfamiliar coldness descended over me. Not a good time?Not a good time?I seized the handle and, finding it unlocked, flung open the door.
The room looked like a wind crow had gone berserk inside. The blankets were thrown to the foot of the bed, a toppled vase lying in pieces at the base of a cabinet. A nightstand beside her bed had been overturned, and pacing a worn path in the floor rug, there was Estrel.
What remained of her hair was a tangled mess, and she had deep purple shadows under her brown eyes. She must have covered them with powder earlier to hide her exhaustion.
Her eyes widened. “Thia.”
“It failed,” I snarled.
“What?”
“The alliance!” My voice rose. “It failed,I failed, and you weren’t there!”
She stared back at me, and the fear, the uncertainty that filled her dark gaze, nearly broke me. I couldn’t reconcile the woman before me with the one who’d been like a mother to me. The one who’d caught me saddling Iyla in the dead of night and, instead of reprimanding me, had climbed into the saddle at my back and taken me for my very first flight.
I could still feel the bite of the cold wind against my skin, the power of the crow beneath me, the security of Estrel’s arms at my sides… She drew a ragged breath, and the memory slipped from my grasp.
“I’m sorry, Thia,” she breathed, wrapping her arms about her stomach. “I—I couldn’t—” She shook her head and kept on shaking it. It would have killed my mother to see her like this. It killed me.
A slow heat rose under my skin. “You abandoned me again.”
Something hardened in her expression. She drew herself up, and for a moment, I saw the strength and presence of Estrel Cade, one of the most formidable riders Rhodaire had ever seen.
“You think this is about you?” she demanded. “Fine, let’s make it about you. I still got news out here, you know. Don’t talk to me about abandoning people when you hid in your room while Caliza ran the kingdom by herself.”
I recoiled but didn’t relent. “At least I’m doing something now! You were like a mother to me. I needed you, and you left. I wanted to be your apprentice, to be Corvé after you. I looked up to you. I still do…” I trailed off, breathing heavily.
A mirthless laugh escaped Estrel’s lips. “Your mistake, Little Peep. People who put their faith in me only end up getting hurt.”
I shook my head, my throat burning. “No. That’s not true. Ineedyou! I thought I’d lost you along with her. I thought you were dead, but you’ve been here the entire time. If my mother could see you—”
“But she can’t!” Estrel roared. “And it’s my fault! So forgive me if I’m not ready to rush headlong into another battle that will only take more people I love away from me.”
My jaw worked, but no words came out. Surprise had drowned out my anger like water to a flame. “What are you talking about?”
Estrel swayed, then collapsed onto the edge of the bed behind her, burying her face in her hands. When she pulled them away, my breath caught. She was crying. “She was still alive when I found her,” she croaked. “I tried to save her, but the flames were too much.”
I stepped slowly forward, not fully trusting my legs to keep me upright. They’d become lead. I dropped onto the bed beside her. “You went after her. Into the rookery.”
Estrel wrapped her arms around her stomach, squeezing tight. “There were three Illucian soldiers in there with her. She’d killed them, but they’d wounded her. There was so much blood, and the flames were everywhere. I couldn’t breathe. I made it to her, but—” She stopped, shaking her head. “My clothes caught fire. I couldn’t hold on to her. I couldn’t stand the burning. I pulled away, and the floor collapsed underneath me. I woke in the infirmary a week later.”
I didn’t know what to say. This wasn’t Estrel’s fault, just like it hadn’t been mine. But I knew the guilt twisting knots in her face. I knew its heavy swing like a pendulum in the chest. I knew how it waited at the bedpost and watched every movement, filled every word. I’d held it close. So did Estrel.
I am more.I concentrated on the words, on the truth behind them.
“I can’t convince you not to blame yourself,” I said slowly. “But I don’t blame you, and neither would my mother.”
Estrel looked up, meeting my gaze tentatively.
