“You knew her as well as anybody,” I continued. “She’d be furious if she knew we’d wasted a second worrying about what we could have done to stop her, knowing full well she’d have done it anyway.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You’re not reminded of what you did every time you see your reflection.” She lifted her left arm, turning it so the burns along the top were fully visible. The last remnants of a tattoo that’d once saidIylashone on her forearm. “You should have seen the way people looked at me. Like my skin was a portrait of Ronoch, a reminder of everything they’d lost. I couldn’t take it.”
That was why she’d left, why she’d let people forget about her, even going so far as to let them think she’d died. Maybe she’d even spread the rumor herself. I understood, but I didn’t accept it.
“You think you’re the only one with scars?” I ripped the leather glove off my burned arm.
Estrel’s eyes followed it, widening.
“Didn’t you ever wonder who pulled you out of the damned fire?” I leapt to my feet. “Didn’t you care?”
Estrel’s mouth worked, but no words came out. Understanding dawned slowly on her face as I glared at her, my hands balled into fists.
“I heard the stone collapse. I ran, thinking my mother was dying, and found you lying in the rookery entrance. I pulled you out and doused the flames, but not before my sleeve caught fire and I burned along with you!”
She shook her head, and the pain that flooded her expression pulled the anger right out of me. I drew a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down. Kneeling beside her, I gently closed my scarred hand over the twisted skin of her burned wrist. She tensed at first, then slowly relaxed.
“You can’t fixate on this,” I said. “Wecan’t. I understand you want to run away. So did I. Sometimes, I still do.”
And I had. Away from the throne room, away from Rhodaire’s impending future of blood and death, from Elkona’s voice hissinguseless useless useless.
I swallowed hard. “But we have to move forward, and that means facing the problems we have now, the ones we can still do something about. My mother would have wanted us to fight. Please, Estrel. I don’t know how to fix this. I need you.”
Estrel held my gaze, unblinking. But in the end, she turned away. “I can’t do this right now, Thia. I need to be alone.”
My grip slackened on her hand, and she pulled it away. I rose, stumbling back a step, and turned for the door. My blood pounded in my ears as I slid my glove back on.
She wasn’t the woman I remembered, the one who’d taught me how to hold a bow or massage a crow’s tired wings with careful fingers. That woman had been sharp as talons and twice as strong. She’d been a jungle cat in human form, a storm trapped in a bottle. This Estrel was an impending wreck. All I wanted in that moment was to ease her pain, but I didn’t know how. I’d barely learned to help myself.
Even now, as I walked ghostlike through the open corridors, the snake crept along my shoulders, whispering to me to give up. That familiar weight wrapped me tight and held me close. Halfway down the hall, I simply stopped. I don’t know when I ended up on the ground, my knees pulled against my chest, my arms wrapped so tight around them, they’d surely bruise.
I don’t know how long I stayed there. Only that I wanted to disappear. To sink into a quiet darkness alone, where my own mind could no longer haunt me.
* * *
Res found me still sitting with my back against the wall.
His incessant tugs along the bond only made me feel sicker, and I buried my face in my hands as he nudged me with his beak, a low, concerned trill reverberating in his throat.
Someone slid down along the wall beside me. I didn’t have to look to know it was Kiva.
“It’s over,” I said quietly. “We can’t win.”
Guilt ground along the bond. I lifted my head, placing a hand on Res’s lowered beak. “It’s not your fault. You’ve done so much for us already.” So much for me. “I love you, magic or not, alliance or not.”
It was I who had failed. I who didn’t know how to begin handling this. Without the alliance, Razel would overrun Rhodaire. She would destroy it piece by bloody piece and take what she wanted from the ruins.
Would she try to force Res to serve her, or would she destroy him too?
I swallowed hard. “How do I tell Caliza it’s over?”
“You don’t.” Kiva spoke without hesitation. She rose, turning to face me on one knee. “Because this isn’t over. It can’t be. We have to keep trying.”
I looked away. “I had my chance. I failed. They’re never going to listen to me now.”
Her voice was uncharacteristically soft when she asked, “Why is it the only thing you ever give up on is yourself?”
My hands tightened into fists, but she pressed on.
