He smiled. “Eventually.”
I nodded. Sometimes eventually was all we could ask for.
Seven
I returned to my cabin to find Kiva sitting on the floor diligently cleaning Sinvarra. Aroch lay curled in her lap, and from the thin red claw marks on her forearms, I suspected this was the outcome of a long struggle. Res splayed across half the floor, trilling softly in his sleep.
Kiva’s lips pressed into a firm line as we entered. “I know that look,” she said. “What are you blaming yourself for now?”
I dropped onto the edge of the bed. “Nothi—” A cloth struck me in the face before I could finish. Shoving it aside, I glared down at her and tossed it back. She caught it, running it along Sinvarra’s gold-veined midnight surface.
“Fine,” I grumbled. “Each day brings us closer to the possibility that the other kingdoms will reject us, I’m worried about being a leader for Rhodaire, Caylus and I broke up, and now Ericen—” Kiva groaned, but I pressed on. “I felt wrong leaving him in Sordell, and I feel wrong leaving him now.”
“We can’t trust him,” she said, echoing so many conversations we’d had before.
“He didn’t have to warn me.”
“It’s part of his game. He was stalling for time until he had backup.”
I hated that I didn’t know, hated that I couldn’t tell.
Kiva stopped polishing the sword abruptly. “Wait a second. Did you say you and Caylus broke up?”
I groaned and flopped back onto my bed. By the time I finished telling Kiva everything that’d happened, I’d snuggled under the covers and lay staring at the bunk above me.
“I feel like I’m dragging him into his worst nightmare,” I finished.
Kiva sighed softly. “You can’t save everyone, Thia,” she said. “It isn’t your job.”
I looked back at her, her expression uncharacteristically soft. A thousand feelings bubbled to the surface: the need to prove myself capable, to be strong. To handle things myself for once. To be a leader. And with that, the fear that I would fail, only to slip back into that heavy darkness.
I fought them all back down, offering her a quick smile that she wouldn’t believe for a second.
“Maybe.” I turned onto my other side as a familiar feeling crept onto my shoulders. Drawing a deep breath, I let it out slowly, imagining the weight sliding away like a snake. But the unease remained, always there, always waiting for me to slip. For me to lie down and not want to get back up.
Refusing to give the feeling purchase, I rolled back to the other side and perched on the edge of the bed. I felt jittery and restless, surrounded by questions without answers.
My fingers curled around the bed frame. “What do you think about what Ericen said about the Sellas?”
Kiva snorted. “More lies. Like I said, he was just trying to stall you.”
“With talk of long-dead magical beings?” I shook my head. “He could have said anything. Why bring up the Sellas?”
Setting aside her cleaning cloth, Kiva slid Sinvarra back into its sheath with a sigh. “What are you thinking?”
It felt like a ridiculous idea, but I couldn’t shake it. “There’s still so much of the Sellas in Rhodaire. The statues, the temple. We tore them all down in Aris, but in Isair, it was like—” I hesitated, feeling foolish. “Like some people still believe they exist.”
Doubt riddled Kiva’s face. “More likely they just never got around to tearing them down. Breaking stuff takes effort too, you know.”
I rolled my eyes. “There’s something going on, and I intend to find out what.” I stood, making for the door.
“Where are you going?” Kiva called.
“To get some answers.”
* * *
I nearly walked straight into Onis as he emerged from Samra’s office. He reeled back, a hand going for his talismans.
