“You should know better than anyone that’s not impossible.” I placed my hand palm to palm with his, his skin rough with calluses and scars. Each one told a sad, dark tale. “If you melt it down, you can re-form it into anything. Even something new.”
His fingers curled about my palm, his touch tentative. “You make it sound so easy.”
“It’s not,” I admitted. After months of struggling to put my own pieces back together, I knew how hard a process it was, how many cracks still ran through me. “But it’s easier when you have people to help you. I will always be here to help you, Caylus.”
I lifted my free hand but paused, my fingers hovering above his face. I didn’t know what stopped me touching him. The gesture suddenly felt too intimate, the boy before me at once foreign and familiar. But not touching him felt like drawing a line, one I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
The distance that had opened between us sat like an invisible hand against my chest, pushing me back.
In the end, I let my hand drop, feeling oddly betrayed by myself. I stepped back to find him looking at me in confusion, his head tilted like it did when faced with a problem he couldn’t solve.
“What?” I asked.
He bit his lip. “You feel it too, don’t you?”
I shook my head, though a part of me knew exactly what he meant. This distance between us was made of more than fear and painful questions. More than my fire to fight and his desire to be something more than what Malkin had made him.
What had grown between us in his workshop had been a friendship unlike any I’d had before. Kiva was my life, my blood, but Caylus had been there for me during a time of my life I never thought I’d see. He’d helped me hatch Res, raise him, and train him. Our connection had grown from a shared sense of curiosity and a need for healing.
But I didn’t love him. Not in the way I’d hoped. And looking into his gentle face, I knew he felt the same way.
“I care about you so much, Caylus,” I said softly. “You gave me peace in a place that threatened to break me, and I owe you everything for that. Without you, I may never have figured out how to hatch the egg, and your friendship means more to me than I can ever say.”
He waited, green eyes dark in the fading dusk.
I forced my voice steady. “But the feelings I used to have for you, that I thought I might always have for you, they aren’t there anymore.”
Caylus’s hand trembled in mine. He bit his lip, started to speak, stopped, and then did it all again in a pattern of uncertainty I’d grown to know so well.
“I…don’t feel that way either,” he said.
A relieved smile pulled at my lips. “I’m so glad you’re here, Caylus. I really am. You make me feel calm, something I’m not very good at being, and I need that. And I will always be thankful for everything that you’ve done for Rhodaire and me. I can never repay you. But I think…” I hesitated.
“That we’re a little too different?” he offered, and I was surprised by the accuracy of that situation. He’d never been the most perceptive of people, but he’d always been aware of me, of what I wanted and needed. He was a better friend than I could have asked for.
“Yes,” I said. “But I also think our lives are meant for different paths.”
I’d railed against Samra’s warning, but now I saw what she did.
I saw a boy who had been knocked down too many times to count but who had always stood back up. I saw a brilliant mind that wanted nothing more than to learn and grow and discover new things, even if it meant losing himself in them. I saw a friend.
Caylus ran a hand through his perpetually unruly hair, unsuccessfully attempting to get it to lay flat. “To be honest with you,” he said softly, “I’ve started to realize… Well, I’m not sure.” He paused, folding his arms almost protectively about himself. “I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that way.”
I raised an eyebrow, listening.
“I really care about you, just not inthatway. Not romantically. I’ve never felt that way toward someone, and…” He trailed off. “Well, I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I followed what was expected of me instead of what I wanted. And I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship like that.” He shrugged his broad shoulders. “I’m still figuring it out.”
I nodded in understanding. “I’m here if you ever need to talk about it.”
Caylus smiled, squeezing my hand. “I’ll still be here for you too. I’m coming to Trendell one way or another. I’ve always wanted to visit Eselin anyways. Did you know they have a university that’s open to the public? It’s free too. Anyone can walk in and sit in the lectures.”
“Thank you. Having you with me means more than I can say.” I squeezed his hand gently, lifting it. “You should get Luan to look at your hands. And come join us for training tomorrow. Res is so much more compliant when you’re around.”
“I think that’s the scones,” he muttered, and I glowered at him. “Right, no scones.”
I snorted, even as something inside me threatened to break. This was the way things were meant to be between us: easygoing, comfortable, quiet. But none of those were what waited for us in the coming weeks.
“Are you going to be okay?” I asked.
