Lifting his hand, he ate the other piece before finally saying, “Outside of your pussy, this is the best thing I’ve ever had in my mouth. Mm!” Pride filled me as Haji pulled me onto his lap. “Seriously, Zoe. This is the best bread I’ve ever had. I’ve never been a fan of banana bread because it’s usually bland, but this is amazing. It’s the perfect mix of sweet and . . . I don’t know. Not spicy. Sultry. How can food be sultry? That’s the only way I can describe it.”
“That’s Zina.” My head bobbed as I held back happy tears. “Her and her cinnamon. When she tasted my recipe, she suggested I add a certain amount of cinnamon that makes it uniquely my own. Not so much that it’s spicy, but just enough to taste sultry, as you put it.”
“Wow. And to think, you’ve been depriving the world of this goodness for ten years.”
“Not purposefully,” I whined, playing with his beard.
“Very purposefully, but you were allowed to do that. And I hope now you’ll allow yourself to do what you love, even if it’s just to honor the person you love.”
“I will, thanks to you.”
“I don’t want to move you too fast, but is there anything I can say or do to convince you to make this for Grounds?”
“Hmm, I think something can be arranged,” I replied playfully.
“Good. Now . . .” Haji gently pushed me off him and back onto the couch. “I need some more of this bread. Excuse me.”
“GG!” I yelled through my laugh as he crept back to the kitchen like an old man.
14
Zoe
“How’s your heart?”
Diane’s question caught me off guard. Seeing her and Rodney after all this time had been nice. They were great partners, great parents, who’d raised a great man. When Haji invited me to have dinner with them, I didn’t hesitate to agree. They were so good to me and my family after Zina died. Even though that time was hard for me, their kindness softened the experience as much as it could. Being around them made it easier for me to believe Haji was who he said he was—who he presented himself to be.
We’d been done with dinner long enough to go for a walk. After we settled in the backyard, Diane brought out a pitcher of sweet tea, lemonade, and cookies. While Haji and his father talked, smoked, and listened to music, it seemed Diane was trying to get into my heart.
“It’s . . . better. I haven’t considered Jasper Lane home for a while, but that’s what it feels like. Being with Haji has done wonders for my heart. He’s reminded me that it works.”
I smiled as I looked over at him.
“You love him? I know he loves you.”
“I do. I know it’s soon and not really something I can explain with words. All I can go off is what I feel, and what I feel is real.”
“I believe you, and I believe his love for you.”
Our conversation shifted to lighter topics, but every once in a while, she’d throw in a question that shot to the core of me. How long I planned to stay. What I’d do when I left. If I wanted to get married and have babies. How close I was to my family.
“We’re definitely not close,” I said through a bitter smile. “I haven’t been back to Memphis in a while. Since I came here for college actually, so about fifteen years. That’s where all my family is. My parents bounce around every month with their travels. We’re closer than we were a decade ago. I see them if I’m sick or for the holidays. We talk a couple of times out of the month, but I just let them live their lives and do their thing.”
“Are you content with that?” she asked, and as it stood, she was the first person to ever ask me that.
Licking the corner of my mouth, I swallowed. “For a while I wasn’t. I felt like they abandoned me. I know that sounds silly because I was technically a grown adult when they started traveling all year but?—”
“Make no excuses or apologies for how you feel, baby,” she said, cutting me off with love. “You are validated in how you feel, regardless of how it makes anyone else feel.” Diane patted my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“No,” I admitted. “I’m not okay with that. I know I was twenty-two and technically an adult, but I still had a lot of growing up to do. Then I lost the closest person to me, and I felt even more alone. Even more lost. I longed for my parents. Mama’s nurturing and Daddy’s guidance. But I felt like I had to let them live. They’d sacrificed a lot for me and Zina and wanted to focus on themselves. So I either gave them hellish anger ornothing at all. Now we’re in a better place, and I just accept their lifestyle. I do wish I could see them more and spend time with them, but it is what it is.”
“Have you considered inviting them to your home or joining them on their trips?”
I sighed and shook my head. “I don’t want to impose. I feel like if they wanted to spend time with me they would.”
“Hmm, I don’t know,” she said with a smile. “Back in our day, we were raised with the mentality of aging out our kids, but when they needed us, we showed up for them. I have a feeling if you were honest with them about how you felt, they’d come around more.”
“That would make me feel bad. Like, clearly they want to travel. I can’t ask them to settle down for me.”
