I nod. “Surprisingly, yeah.”
“You weren’t upset about leaving the job, your friends, and… no significant other?”
Shaking my head, I sigh somberly. “I would obviously miss them, but it felt right to move here. I’ve never shied away from listening to my gut…” I slow my pace and suck in a deep breath. “Until I didn’t.”
Guilt is a power inhibitor. It’s a punch right in the center of my chest and makes it feel as though someone tore out everything that should keep me alive—and yet, I still… live.
It’s a hollow ache. I imagine it’s what floating in space feels like without a tether to keep you from drifting away.
For a moment, I get lost as I stare ahead.
Had I made a different decision that night, they’d still be here.
“Keoni.”
Britt’s hand feels like fire against my bare arm, and I instinctively step away from her.
When I look at her, there’s no sympathy in her green eyes. I see the understanding, and she’s bypassing the fact whatever just happened to me hurt, but instead, sees me attempting to come to terms with it.
It’s alright to hurt. That was what she first told me. I’d taken the hardest step, one that most can’t do, which wasn’t to jump and get the help I needed.
I won’t let myself climb back onto that cliff. I won’t stare into the void and lose myself to the permanent darkness waiting below.
“It was the best decision to be closer to her,” I say, clearing my throat. “And yes, even to my stepdad.”
“Alright then, so you sent them a letter just before they wenton vacation.”
I’m grateful she moves on. “Yeah, figured what better way to end a trip with great news. I knew that my mom would be ecstatic.”
“She would’ve been. Honestly, she probably is seeing you here now.”
Although I’ve not stepped foot into church to praise a God, I do believe in some form of higher being. I do know there’s something beyond this life, what that is, I’ve got no clue. All I can hope for is that she’s at peace and happy with Grant.
She’d be disappointed in me for how I’ve treated Ayden, and for blaming myself for what happened. So, I hope she doesn’t see me as I am right now.
A hui hou, Mother.
I close her car door as our session comes to an end. She asked us to come out again, but I told her no. I’m picking up a shift. The sudden temperature change has caused a lot of people to get sick, including two firefighters from another squad. I’ll be going in tomorrow morning for two days with one day off before my own shift starts.
Stepping up to the cabin, I release a heavy breath, and go inside, the smell of stew hitting me almost immediately.
“You are the worst sous chef.”
Clover meows loudly while sitting on the dining room table. Although she has full reign of the house, I don’t like cat hair in my food. I wish he’d have more authority over the feline.
I take off my shoes, careful to stay quiet over the music blasting from his phone so he doesn’t hear me.
“You can’t use those claws of yours to cut up the carrots, but you sure as hell can to destroy my shirt.”
Taking a silent breath to not start laughing, I lean off to the side and watch.
It’s warm inside, so he’s wearing thin sleep pants that hang just below his hips. One side of his shirt is tucked in, the other lazily draped out. His hair is frizzy, which is only like this after a shower, when he doesn’t blow-dry it.
I really like this look. It reminds me of him—not the polished,put-together Ayden everyone else sees, but the real him.
The way I looked at him when we were no longer strangers, but family, would have my mother spinning in her grave. Even now, imagining him like this. Like what he would look likewithouthis clothes on. Or under me…
Grant would’ve likely killed me for thinking about his son like I am.
