For not telling him the moment we both stepped foot into that cabin.
I want to convince myself it’s not my fault, but guilt doesn’t let go because oflogic. It clings to that singular moment I could’ve changed. It reminds me that if I had just…
Just…
If I had been a better son and come to see them more often, would they have felt the need to change their entire route to see me?
If I had just dropped the shift. Taken a dinner to be with them. Talked with them a little longer.
If I had just let them in…
If I had moved a week sooner.
I slam my forehead against the steering wheel and scream, the sound bouncing around the enclosed truck bed. When it fades, my breathing fills the silence.
I didn’t kill them, but my brain insists I’m the reason they’re gone. Then it twists the knife, reminding me of the good that came from their death, that I got Ayden, and how utterly fucked up that makes me as a human being.
I drag my hands up my face and run my fingers through my hair. Staring at the gray ceiling, I wonder where I went wrong.
Back in high school, when I saw Ayden for the first time and felt that spark in my chest… Had I told my mom I had feelings for him, would things have been different?
Probably not.
That night at graduation. If I hadn’t run away like a fucking coward, could I have saved him from a life of pain and suffering? From the things that man did to him, and still does… he wouldn’t have had to endure any of it.
I could’ve saved him.
He would’ve been at Christmas every year with me, and I’d have told our parents I was madly in love with him. I would’ve told Grant that there was no one else for him but me, that I could protect him and take care of his son.
They would’ve never had to go to Arizona, because I would’ve moved anywhere Ayden was. I’d have been with him in California.
Or maybe… we would’ve been here, near Maple Falls.
Warm tears streak across my temples, filling my ears and drowning out my own breathing.
I fucked up. And all anyone will see is that it’sridiculous. That someone like me shouldn’t break down over something that isn’tmy fault. I’m meant to be strong—the fearless one who runs into a burning building to save lives.
Except I still have these demons, ones that were only ever sedated by Ayden. Even before.
The only reason I hadn’t jumped into that canyon, and ended my life, was because I saw him standing in front of me. I’d had every opportunity to do it, especially when I heard the sirens.
But it was like I could hear him screaming for me…
Screaming into the dark room with no exit.
I’ve always had a strange relationship with religion. I’m not sure where I fit. Believing in a god isn’t wrong, but thinking there’s only one is ignorant. There’s something out there, and that day… whomever it was clearly wanted me to know that someone was still alive for me.
I take a shaky breath and close my eyes, letting the weight of everything wash over me in silence. My legs feel numb, my heart heavy.
Ayden…
This is the hardest part. Telling him. Telling the one person I love and hoping that he’ll understand. Nothateme as much as I hate myself.
Except, I’m notthatstupid. I know he would never hate me. I just wish my brain would fuck off and stop trying to convince me otherwise.
I know Ayden loves me…
I do…
