“Good afternoon, welcome in.” I didn’t look up at first, but when I realized that the person who walked in said nothing I looked up. It wasn’t until I locked eyes with the woman that I knew who she was. I could never forget the hazel eyes with tiny specks of green in them, because Knoxx inherited them. I’d only spent my entire adolescent years wondering why I wasn’t blessed with them as well. She hadn’t aged over the day she ran off, but then I was a child then so my memory of her could very well be disorientated and mashing with the woman in front of me.
“Mom?” I couldn’t help the foreign word that slipped from my lips while I stepped from behind the counter to see if my eyes were playing tricks on me. She couldn’t be here, especially not after all this time. The mother who abandoned me all those yearsago had to have been murdered in the streets or sold into sex trafficking. I mean that’s the only reason she didn’t come back for the husband or two children that she created. Something had to have happened to her for her to up and leave the life she created to live another. I mean that is what I convinced myself because there was absolutely no way that she lived, breathed, and even existed anywhere else than with us for so long. It was though, because here she was standing her ass in front of me on the verge of tears.
“Why are you here?”
She looked at me for a while before stuffing her hands into her front pockets. “Because I couldn’t run from my demons for too much longer. Because I a?—”
“Your demons? Me, my father, and my brother are your demons?” I could feel my anger rising.
“No…no. That came out wrong. You and your brother were the best things to ever happen to me. Your father too, but I didn’t have what it took to be what you needed.”
“What we needed. Are you serious? You waltzed in here after all these years with that weak ass excuse. You’ve had years to rehearse what you would say. Did we not deserve the truth? Or at the very least the best excuse you could muster.”
“I was selfish and young, Omyia. A woman who didn’t know her place in this world. A woman suffering from everything done to me and used to other’s making my decisions for me. I thought that I could be happy with your father and be there for you and your brother. I couldn’t because I couldn’t even protect you guys. I couldn’t get past my own demons enough to be the mother you all needed me to be. I couldn’t stand on my own two feet.”
I was about to respond, but the door chimed again. This time when I looked up I locked eyes with my father. He and Dana were here to get Ssiah for the weekend. Usually I dropped himoff at his house, but he and Dana were in the city so he said he'd stop by to get him.
“Mama, pop-pop is here.” Ssiah’s voice broke my thoughts up. I didn’t realize that my baby had hopped up and ran in the direction of his grandfather. Then I had surely forgotten that my mother was standing right in front of me until I saw the look on my father’s face.
“Why are you here?” he asked her with the coldest of eyes.
“Because I missed my children, Jam?—”
“You're done finding yourself, huh?” he shook his head.
“Look, I know I can’t make up for my absence, but I’m here. I need to know my kids. Can I at least do that? Or are you gonna take that away from me too?”
My father had leaned down to pick up Ssiah, before he gave her one last look. “Leave, and don’t come back. Don’t come meddling in either of their lives like they mean anything to you. If they meant anything nothing would’ve kept you away. Not even your father.”
She looked from me to my father, then she turned to leave without another word. Something had transpired that I wasn’t privy to. There was something here that I didn’t know about and I doubt my father was ready to tell me. My assumption was proven when he walked over, kissed my forehead, and acted like that moment hadn’t just happened.
“I’ll drop him off Sunday, sweetheart.” Then before another word could leave my lips he was gone and I was standing in the middle of my store freaking flabbergasted.What the hell just happened?
I was so deep in my thoughts that my shift was over and before I knew it two of my employees had come into work. I ended up cleaning up after myself and then catching a ride to North’s spot. He was my person, shit my soundboard when I felt off, and my peace when I felt chaotic. Though I still had my moments where I questioned us, or thought we were moving a tad fasthe didn’t. He was confident in our decisions. At least that’s what it seemed like, but you never truly knew what a person was thinking or anything unless they let you in their brains. Either way it went I had faith in him and I was grateful to have such a man in my life. Shit, at least somebody was being honest.
On the way over to North I decided to call my brother and fill him in on what had just transpired. Of course he answered on the first ring. Knoxx always thought it was danger or something when I called, like something was always wrong. Then when I didn’t call he claimed I was acting funny. Nigga needed to make up his mind at this point if you asked me.
“So, you mean to tell me yo’ mama showed up at your spot like some long-lost fish on some I made a mistake type of shit?” he asked after I gave him play by play of this afternoon.
“Yup. When she saw pops she was freaking spooked. Then the way he talked to her was like there is something we’re missing.”
“What do you mean?”
“Like there is more to the story. But then again what does it matter? Ten years ago is a lifetime. I’ve gotten this far without her, what would I need her now for?” Who was I convincing? I couldn’t even count on one hand how much I thought about my mother. It was in the moments when I was catering to Ssiah and or talking to my stomach I thought about her. I was plagued by the moments that I knew she and I would never have as well as by the thought of being a better mother than she would ever be. The relationship that I never had with my mother was just thatcomplex for me and it held more weight than anything. Now I wasn’t in denial, but I didn’t allow my mother’s absence to rule my life. I left that part of resentment to Knoxx. I had to or something as heavy as that would’ve destroyed me.
“What are you going to do, ask him?” Knoxx’s voice brought my mind back to the phone.
“I thought about it, but like I said, ten years is a long time. I’m not going to go digging up old shit. If he wants to talk about it, then he will. If not, I won’t push him. I also am not going to reach out to her. As much as I’d like to hear her out, my peace of mind means too much. With shit like what she looked like she was carrying and the energy around them the moment he saw her… I’ma pass.”
“I hear you, but that’s still our mama.” Knoxx voiced.
“You’re right. Our mama who left us and didn’t come back. Our mama who isn’t six feet under or property of some pimp named Juan. Our mama who looked fucking flawless like life had been treating her great. Our mama who lived, breathed, and existed without us.”Our mama.
I don’t know when my conversation with Knoxx ended, but I knew the moment I got out of the Uber I needed to see him. I needed to look him in his eyes and make sure I wasn’t crazy for feeling all of this. I needed his validation. In so little time I had become so dependent on this man that it confused me.
I didn’t bother knocking when I entered his office. When I walked in he was on the phone talking, but the moment his eyes landed on me I could tell I had his attention. Pushing away from his desk he motioned for me to come to him.
Of course I did. The moment I was in his vicinity he pulled my body into his lap. His face told me that he sensed my mood without me even having to say anything. It was like he was asking me what was wrong with his eyes.Weird… right?His and my communication wasn’t just verbal, shit it was physical andmental. I swear sometimes I felt like this man could read my mind.
