“But she wouldn’t do the same for you.”
“Neither would Adam for you.”
“Obviously not, since he’s dead.”
“He wouldn’t have done it if he’d been alive.And if the tables had been turned, hesurewouldn’t have done it.If you’d been the one to have an accident and die, he’d have been out of here like a shot, and he’d never have come back.”
Swansy had said nearly the same thing not so long before.I hadn’t wanted to hear it then, and I didn’t want to hear it now.“Why are you saying this, Cooper?You and Adam were so close!”
“Yes, we were.”He swiveled on the balls of his feet to face me more fully.“But I wasn’t in love with him, so I could see him more clearly than you could.He had a whole lot of strong points, but none of them had to do with this kind of life.And you knew it.You knew it wasn’t working, and you might have done something about it,but then he upped and died, so it was too late.”He barely paused for a breath.“You’ve spent the last six years idealizing him, Jill.You felt guilty about his death, so you made yourself a living memorial to him.”
I stood quickly.“That’s not true—”
“It is,” he argued right back as he, too, straightened.His face was shadowed by the oncoming night, but I could sense the tightness of his expression.“You’ve refused to think anything negative about him.You’ve pushed your love to a place where it probably never was, and because of that, you’re holding back on Peter, even though he’s just right for you.So if you want to talk about sacrificing futures,youtellme.”
“You’re wrong.”
“I don’t think so.I know you, Jill.I can see how you relate to Peter, and you haven’t related that way to any other person here, including Adam.You look up to Peter.He excites you.You come alive when you’re with him.He challenges you.Maybe he frightens you for the same reasons, because for years now you’ve been with people who don’t challenge you at all, and that’s easy.It’s comfortable.And it’s everything you didn’t have when you were growing up, but there has to be a middle of the road somewhere.You can’t close yourself off and take the easy way out for the rest of your life.”
I put my hands to my ears, shook my head and turned to leave, but Cooper caught my arm.“Think about it, Jill.”
“There’s nothing to think about.And how did we get off on me, anyway?We’re supposed to be talking about you!”
“But you’re the issue.Your life is the one that can be changed.”He tightened his grip on my arm, dipped his head a bit and spoke more urgently.“Don’t you see, Jill?I’m a lost cause.I’m stuck in whatever kind of bind this is, and as long as Cyrill is alive, and as long as Benjie’s her son, I’ll be the way I am.No other woman I’ve met gives me the kind of feeling she gave me, so if I settled for another woman, I’d be settling for second best.What kind of woman wants to be second best?”
He had his answer when I remained silent.
“So forget saving me,” he said.“I’m too old to change.”
“You’re not too old.You’re too bull-headed.”
“And you?Are you too different?”
“Yes!”
“Doesn’t look it from where I stand.”
“I’m just being careful.I don’t want to rush into anything.”
“Well, let me tell you, sweetheart, you go on clinging to Adam and see where it gets you.It’s gonna get you nowhere.Nowhere.”
“I don’t have to listen to this,” I muttered.Wrenching my arm from his grasp, I ran back up the path.It was darker now.I stumbled once or twice and felt Cooper reach for me.Each time, though, I caught my balance and ran ahead.When I reached the street, I walked asquickly as I could toward the north end of town.
“Don’t blow it, Jill!”Cooper yelled from somewhere behind me.
“Why not?”I yelled back.“You’ve done it.Why can’t I do it, too?”
“Because,” he said, keeping pace with me from one step back, “lonely is a lousy way to live.If another woman had come along to knock me in the gut the way Cyrill did, I’d have grabbed her fast.But no one ever came.”
“What does that have to do with me?”
“You’ve got Peter.”
I stopped dead cold and faced him with my hands on my hips.“And you think that what I have with Peter matches what I had with Adam?You’ve got a hell of a lot of nerve assuming that.”Before he could respond, I whirled around and strode quickly down the street again.
Moments later he caught my hand and stopped me again.His voice was deep and oddly gentle as it came through the darkness and the cold.“You mean a lot to me, Jill.We’ve been friends since you moved here, and I’ve valued that.There have been times since Adam died when I thought I was crazy not to stir something up with you.Not that you’d have gone for it, but it might have been worth a try if only to keep you here as my friend forever.Only I can’t do it.You deserve more—more than I can give you, more than any man around here can give you.I don’t much like the idea of your leaving, but you need broader spaces—”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
