He didn’t crack a smile.“No.I’ll miss you.All of you.That’s what I love.”He planted a wet kiss on the pulse point on my neck.“If I only loved your body, I’d tell your body I loved it, but do I?Have I ever said those words when we were making love?”
I hadn’t thought about it before, but when I did, I had to admit that he hadn’t.I shook my head.
“That’s because my love for you isn’t rooted in my balls.It’s here—” he touched his heart “—and here—” he touched his head.“If love is worth beans, it’s rational.It involves things like respect and trust.Very rational.”
I’d felt threatened by the words when he’dsaid them, and I still did.Maybe it had something to do with what Swansy had said about a woman having to use her brains to fight a man’s brawn.What was a woman to do when a man used both brainsandbrawn?
“Well,” I sighed, returning to Swansy and the present, “whatever it was with his other woman, it isn’t now.He’s not seeing anyone special.”
“’Cept you.”Her voice held a very subtle note of inquiry.
I was quiet for a time before acknowledging it.“Except me.He’s flying up this weekend.”
After a pregnant pause, she said, “You don’t sound real happy about that.”
“I’m not sure if I am.”
With the nudge of her foot, she began to rock back and forth, but she didn’t say a word.
So I went ahead and voiced the worries that had been nagging at me since I’d left New York the day before.“I was happy at the time.We’d had such a fun time together, Peter and I, that I didn’t want to leave him.When he suggested he come up this weekend, I jumped at the idea.”I looked at my hands, straightened my fingers, stacked one set on the other.“Then I headed back here, and the closer I got, the more confused I felt.”I looked at Swansy.“I don’t know what to make of our relationship.I don’t know what I want it to be.”
“What does Peter want?”
“Everything.”
“Everything?”
“Everything—well, maybe that’s not true.Or I don’t know if it’s true.We haven’t talked about the future.I don’t know what he wants down the road, but he says he loves me.He says it’s the real thing, and that it’s going to grow.He says that I’m everything he’s dreamed about for years.”
Swansy sighed voluminously.“Ah.So pretty.He’d sure make a better script writer than the loony who writes—”
“I’m serious, Swansy!”I cried.“Peter can be straight-forward and tough and demanding, but he’s a romantic.He says beautiful things to me, and they’re all from the heart.How can I deal with that?”
“Do you love him?”
“Of course not.I loved Adam.I won’t love another man.And besides, I haven’t known Peter long enough.He hasn’t knownmelong enough.Two extended weekends—that’s all we’ve had.How can he say he loves me after just that?”
Swansy rocked, and smiled.
“How can he, Swansy?Isn’t this whole thing a little fanciful?”
“If it’s fanciful, that’s because you need it to be.He’d be good for you, Jillie.”
“Good?He’d be awful!Look at him.He’s a hot-shot lawyer.He buzzes in and out of courtrooms all over the Northeast, and when he’s not traveling on business, he’s doing bizarre things like exploring uninhabited islands in the South Seas.”
“Sounds exciting.”
“Maybe to you, but I like my life here.I like the quiet and the routine.I like the sameness of it.”
“You feel comfortable here.”
“Yes!”
“Secure.”
“Yes!”
“You feel completely satisfied, a total woman.”
