Her words strike me in the heart like a dagger. “Ihavelearned. Why do you think I’m here instead of in my fucking bed holding Willa? Instead of confessing my soul to her and begging for her forgiveness? Giving her my entiredecayedfucking heart alongside my body?”
I stand up, swearing under my breath as I rake my fingers roughly through my hair. “Fucking star above, Rina, you think I don’t know what’s at risk? That the Aeternalis himself hasn’t risen from his crypt to tempt me with Willa? The one person in Letum whose skin I can touch, theoneperson who doesn’t fear me, butunderstandsme? Whose mind follows the lines of mine, whose fire rivals my death? I fuckingknow.I’ve learned too well what happens when I allow my heart to beat. And I am hanging on by a thread here trying to stop it.”
The words are ragged as they spiral from me, too desperate, too slippery to pull back in.
I spin around, meeting Marina’s gaze. “I will stop it dead before I hurt my kingdom again. Before I hurtyou.”
Marina doesn’t appear assuaged by my words. She only shakes her head sadly.That wasn’t what I meant, Niko.
She pauses, her eyes flitting over me and then beyond, to the home she’s lost.
I meant what has this all been for if we become empty in the process? If you give up your heart, your humanity, you’re no better off than if you’d remained a Strayed forever under theAeternalis. What was all of the suffering for if you end up no better than you were? Ifweend up no better.
“What are you saying?” I demand through gritted teeth, a fresh wave of pain raking over me as my death crawls over my wrists.
Marina stands, her small stature doing nothing to temper her intimidating poise. Her raised chin, her planted feet, they all speak to the vicious pixie she is, even as a Fallen.
You think your heart is some decomposed thing, but I’ve seen the truth of it, Niko. I’ve seen the power, the way it will tear through anything that threatens the things it holds close. Your heart is the reason any of us have survived as long as we have. You shouldn’t sacrifice it to save Letum. It isn’t worth it.
Marina’s eyes shine as she stares up at me, her pity scraping against my skin.You should tell Willa the truth and let her decide what to do. And if it isn’t anchoring herself to the island, then you should let her go knowing you loved her well enough to give her what she needs.
My breath hitches at her words. Not her words—herword:love.
Is that what I feel for Willa? Is that what scorches every nerve ending in my body and lights my brain on fire?
“Don’t you ever fucking say that to me again.”
My words are a sharp snap of my teeth, a gnash of my jaw so brutal Marina blinks in surprise. I don’t speak to her like that. Not ever—not even in the depths of my worst pain. But her words have sent a torrent of guilt and rage and fear crashing through me, uncontrollable and wild. One that will consume me if I allow it, because it isn’t directed at Marina at all.
It’s deep seated, rooted into the marrow of my bones—just how fuckingunfairthe universe is. That whenever I manage to claw something for myself out of the agony, I’m fated to give it up.
My freedom. My body. My family. Wendy.
Not being able to fully let go is what damned us all in the first place. And now, the lines of the universe tempt me with the same. I’ve already made my situation untenable by taking Willa beneath me. If I’m to survive it atall,I cannot entertain thoughts of anything soft.
No matter how they settle into the spaces of my soul like they were made to be there, I will shove them down into the deepest recesses of myself. I will starve and mutilate them until I no longer recognize their truths.
I won’t let anyone speak of them, because speaking words into the air transforms them into something tangible, even here, in the land of death and dreams. “Do not ever speak to me ofloveagain, do you hear me?”
Marina’s mouth twists and her eyes flash furiously, but I’m not finished.
“Do not ever speak to me like I’m not your fucking king.Iam the one the island has tasked to protect its people;Iam the one who has to live with guilt of failure. Tell me, Marina…wouldyoube able to bear the weight of the thousands of children that have already died on the mainland, and the thousands more that will if Letum's magic rots entirely?”
Marina flinches, just fractionally, but it’s enough. I dig into the chink in her armor with ruthless claws.
“Would you be able to survive the soulless collapse of the children in ours? Noheartis worth that.” My mouth curls around the word in disgust. “Letum may be the land of dreams, but do not for one second think that dreams are what is true.”
My breaths are ragged and blood rushes past my ears as I glare down at Marina. Perhaps, by the end, I’ll have lost her, too.
“Sacrifice is the only thing this universe understands. The only power dreams hold is in giving them up…handing them over, piece by piece, until they are empty.”
Marina’s hands fly as she says,Fuck you, Niko. You’re an idiot and an asshole.You think you’ve learned so much, but it’s all the wrong things.
My death whirls in the air around my head like tentacles as I open my mouth to retort, but the words stick in my throat as Marina slices an angry hand through the air.
I’m not finished! You may think you’re protecting the island, but all you’re doing is protecting yourself.
“Protecting myself fromwhat?!Can you not see this iskillingme?!” I shout back.
