“Being in the bond with us will probably help,” Leo pointed out. “As long as Madison is happy, she’ll be a stabilizing force in the bond. Plus, you could always get in some good old-fashioned cuddles to soothe yourself.”
Alve nuzzled my shoulder, inhaling deeply, his warm exhale ghosting over my skin. “This is the most relaxed I’ve been in years. Maybe ever.”
I was feeling pretty melty myself. Their affection was a spotlight in the bond, beaming at me from every angle so I was never without its warmth. The fact that it was also reflected in their actions completely obliterated every nagging, anxious question I could be asking. It was a feeling I’d been craving my whole life, but had always been denied.
No questions about whether or not they liked me, and if they did, how much? The answers were all laid out on a silver platter. Thankfully, it was in the positive direction. What if I’d bondedTyler and found out he only resented me, or maybe worse, to have felt his affection degrade to the point he was willing to risk my life? If we’d been bonded then, I wasn’t certain I’d have survived the truth of his hatred being blasted at me from the inside out.
But this?
The bond with Alve and Leo was healing bits of me I had shoved down to survive.
We would have to tell Nathan and Jude, though. They would be home soon and find out anyway, but moving to get my phone was the last thing I wanted to do. If I couldn’t be lazy after a fresh bond, then when could I be?
Contentment poured over me like warm honey.
“How does the bond feel to you guys? Like, how strong can you feel each other?”
“Hmm,” Leo said softly. “I’m trying to think of how to describe it. I guess the closest real-life example would be that we’re sitting in the same theater and watching the same film. We’re aware of each other in the theater, but you’re not chatting with other moviegoers through the whole movie, though I suppose you could if they were loud enough. I can hear the whispering, and it was closer to a yell when Alve joined the bond, but otherwise, we’re chilling somewhere designed for the same purpose but not interaction. Does that make sense?”
“Mhmm, I think so.” I pulled him even closer, eliminating any air between us.
Why couldn’t I stay in my nest like this forever?
No worries, only cuddles.
I closed my eyes, basking in the bond until Nathan and Jude got home.
“Are we invited to the cuddle puddle?” Nathan asked, tracing his fingers up my calf.
“Always. Good luck getting anyone to move though.”
“Joke’s on them, I’ll cuddle up with any of you.”
Leo chuckled. “I’ll surrender her for a few minutes. Alve is a new bond, though, so you and Jude might have to take turns.”
“Oh, you hadextrafun without us.” Nathan took up the spot Leo reluctantly vacated, sparing only enough space for Nathan to lie sideways before Leo leaned against him, too, and set his palm on my waist. “Should we be jealous?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Your body is going a little wild on the heat flares,” Nathan pointed out. “Is it just super determined to get you pregnant? I was going to ask if you could still have heat flares while pregnant, but that’s how my sister ended up bonded to her first alpha, so I guess it’s not a good measure of being able to tell if you’re growing a little Leo.”
The idea flipped my stomach, in both a good and bad way. Good because the idea of little ones as sweet as my pack was adorable, and bad because it unburied a fear I thought I had done away with long ago. What if becoming a parent turned me into mine? What if I held my baby, looked at their tiny face, and something in my genes told me their safety wasn’t more important than my next pleasure?
Leo’s hand tightened on my waist.
“What’s wrong?” Alve asked, whispering the question in my ear as if it could somehow be quiet enough the others wouldn’t hear.
“You okay, Maddie?” Jude rearranged some pillows at the head of the nest so he could wedge his way in, lifting my head to rest on his lap. He threaded gentle fingers through my hair, scratching my scalp in a mesmerizing rhythm.
“What if I’m a terrible mother? It’s not like I had many good examples. What if all of my fucked up history makes it impossible for me to be a good parent?”
Nathan took the lead on intercepting my spiral. “Okay, I think the concern about your past affecting your parenting is valid, but I also think a lot of it is about active choices. Are you the kind of person who hurts others to feel powerful, or are you the kind of person who doesn’t want anyone to suffer the way you did?”
My chest tightened. “I don’t want to hurt people.”
“Exactly. That’s the most important factor. I’m not saying you won’t ever hurt anyone. We’re human, we fuck up, but our past shouldn’t define who we get to be. I grew up in a fucked up home, not as bad as yours, but that means Ava grew up there too, and you’ve seen her with Lucy. She’s a great mom, and you will be, too.”
“You’re also not alone in this,” Jude pointed out. “Don’t approach this as if you’re going to be a single mom with no support. You have your pack, and we have families who will step in to help the moment you ask. We can manage a lot with that.”
