“You probably had some sunk cost fallacy going on, too,” Farrah pointed out. “You were with Tyler for a long time, right?”
I nodded, holding onto both of them like a lifeline.
Farrah stroked a hand over my hair. “So, it was probably terrifying to think about throwing all of that away, no matter how close something better was. You’re not the first person to have done that, and you certainly won’t be the last. We have people at work that we’ve been trying for ages to get to dump their dead weight, but you have to hit a certain point in your own brain before it’s possible. Plus, abusers know what they’re doing. They make it hard to stay, but harder to leave. They make sure you’re unsteady, insecure, and exhausted so you don’t have the resources to get out. You’re telling us that you used your pack to get out, but do you really think a single one of them helped you unwillingly?”
I sifted through my memories, trying to recall if any of them had given that indication. “But I?—”
“Listen,” Jazz interrupted, “Jude would have told me if he had reservations. We’re a family who talks. He didn’t shut upabout you for years, and not once did he ever say he felt like you were using him. All he said about that topic was that he wished he could help you get out, that you wouldlet him, trust him to help you, but he understood why you might not be able to.” Jazz put her finger to my lips when I opened them to respond. “Sometimes we need people. That doesn’t make us users, it makes us human. How the hell were you supposed to get out of there when you were isolated and didn’t have your own money? What other option was there? If your pack hadn’t stepped in, which I know they did because theywantedto, you would’ve gone home to even worse circumstances. It was fast and scary, and absolutely a bullshit situation, but don’t you think for one fucking second that you manipulated them into helping you.”
Farrah adjusted me in her arms, helping me sit up all the way, but keeping me in her embrace. “You mentioned sleeping with them in your list of supposed crimes. Did you do that because you thought of it as a payment for their help?”
I chewed my lip. At the time, the thought hadn’t even entered my head. “I think itwaspayment with Tyler. I used it to manage his moods and to feel like we had a connection even if we didn’t. Maybe it wasn’t conscious, maybe it was just a pattern built into how I survive.”
“Okay, but is that why you slept with your pack?” Jazz asked.
“I wanted them. I did—Ido. I wanted all of them from the first time we met, enough to push boundaries, but never enough to leave until I had no choice.”
Leo and Alve’s worry was a churning mass in my chest. I was hurting them. My cheeks burned, the salt water of my tears scoring lines down them.
“It’ll be okay,” Jazz insisted. “Jude doesn’t blame you, and I know if I weaseled it out of the others, they wouldn’t either. You’re not a bad person because you were scared, but you’regonna have to talk to them about this. Do you want us to go get Leo?”
“No.” Tears overwhelmed me, pushing me into sobbing. “I’m hurting him, and I can’t stop. He didn’t choose the bond, he just has to suffer because of it.”
Farrah and Jazz exchanged a look.
“Do you want us to take you home?” Farrah asked.
“I can’t face them. I have to, I know, but—” I swallowed hard, the words choking off.
“Deep breath,” Farrah repeated. “You don’t have to go home yet.”
I wanted to open the door and let Leo in, to let his nearness wash away this experience. Instead, I was overwhelmed by the selfishness of that desire. I always wanted them to do something for me, but when had I done something for them? Howcould Ido anything for them when I was such a mess? I was selfish with Jazz and Farrah too, keeping them in here when I was sure they would rather be anywhere else.
“I’m going to go to the new OHI building,” I announced, extracting myself from Farrah’s arms. Maybe the logic wasn’t sound, but if I was there, I was doing something to helpsomeone. I could process everything in silence and go home when I had done enough. It wouldn’t be as good as helping my pack, but at least it was putting something positive into the world.
“I’ll drive you,” Jazz offered.
“You don’t have to.”
“Well, we took my car to get here, so wherever you want to go, I’ll take you. Or you take my car and I’ll get a ride with Farrah, that way you can’t go into hiding because you’ll have to give it back.”
I let out a broken laugh. “You know me too well.”
“I’m good at reading people. Now, if you’re avoiding your pack, I’ll go let Leo know. Fare can take you to the car, and I’ll meet you out there?”
We gave Jazz a thirty second head start and then slipped away. I hurt Leo again, feeling the sharpness of his confusion and disappointment in the bond, but my feet were on auto-pilot now, and I couldn’t face my pack until I had faced myself.
Madison needed me, but wouldn’t see me. All my pacing in circles did nothing except make Jax dizzy. I nearly tripped myself in my haste when the door opened, but it was Jazz who came out, not Madison.
“She doesn’t want to see any of the pack right now,” Jazz explained. “She needs some time to settle.”
“But—”
“You don’t have to say anything to me. I know it would be better for her to talk to you guys, but we both know it can’t be forced.” She laid her palm on my chest when the door creaked open again. “Don’t say anything.”
The only thing stopping me from running to Madison was the tiny woman in front of me, but the dig of her nails kept me in place, letting my rational mind hold a leash on my instincts.
My omega was hurting and I wasn’t allowed to help. I wanted to tuck her away somewhere safe, to hold her in my arms, tell her how much I loved her, and how I would work to make her future so much brighter than her past.
