Before Leo or Jax could demand again that they leave, they took that upon themselves. They half dragged Tyler out, though I only caught snippets of their conversation while they did so. Most of it was grumbling over his behavior, so at least they agreed what he did was fucked up.
Everything Tyler had said turned over and over in my head, stirring up my anxieties, things I’d tried to bury, things he was…rightabout. Leo reached for me, but my chest contracted sharply, my breath stalling in my throat, and I stepped away.
I wanted to be held. I wanted to erase every bitter word spewed from Tyler’s mouth, but I couldn’t take away the truth that had been spoken. Maybe it wasn’t exactly how he’d put it, but I’d let Tyler do a lot of things to keep a roof over my head. Ihadslept with the first person to help me after I’d been abandoned, and I was sleeping with the ones offering me shelter now.
What if…
My heart raced as ice crept up from my fingertips.
“Maddie?” Leo’s voice sounded muffled and distant.
I’d known from the start that I didn’t deserve any of them. Just because I’d been ignoring it, didn’t change that fact. How many times had I worried about falling into patterns and then did it anyway? How often had I let my own selfishness smother my sense of fairness?
“Maddie.” Other people were saying my name, but they sounded far away, too. Hands nudged me. Was I even attached to my body anymore? The sensations were dulled, as if I were floating above, connected only by a thread.
I had debased myself for years, capitulated on a million things, compromised everything about who I was, and for what? Then I’d gone from that to taking advantage of good men. I’d ingratiated myself with them the same way I had done with Tyler to get myself out of a shit situation.
Darkness teased the edges of my vision.
I shied away from Leo when he reached for me, even though what I wanted most was to fall into his arms and let him make this all go away. But that was what I did. I let alphas make problems go away, until they made new problems and I needed new alphas to get me out.
Anxiety held me by the throat, gripping so tight I couldn’t form words, couldn’t draw a full breath to stem the tide of panic smashing me against the rocks. The more I withdrew toward Jazz and Farrah, the stronger Leo’s own panic became in the bond, and when I let yet another buzzing call go unanswered, Alve’s joined it in an overwhelming flood.
The omegas bundled me away into the locker room, following Jax, who turned and left us in peace, closing the door behind him. Farrah sat me on a bench and Jazz soaked some paper towels, applying them to my cheeks.
“Deep breaths for me,” Farrah ordered. She wrapped her arms around me, her muted strawberry scent as soothing as her purr. “You’re safe here.”
“Maddie, have you had panic attacks before?” Jazz cupped my cheek, forcing me to look at her. I nodded. “Okay, good. Pretty sure that’s what’s happening now. Talk to us. You’re safe in here, that asshole is gone, and you’ve got a very worried alpha waiting out there for you.”
“Iknew.” The words felt thick on my tongue, their sound breathy as I struggled to pull in air past the racing of my heart.
“Knew what?” Jazz tilted her head, examining me.
If I told her, she wouldn’t like me anymore. “I can’t.”
“Maddie, we can’t help you if you won’t talk to us.”
I shivered in Farrah’s arms. She wasn’t connected to my pack, but she probably had loyalty to Jazz, and if Jazz hated me, then Farrah would too, in solidarity. Who was I kidding? I’d never deserved any of the good that came from my pack.
“I used all of them.”
Jazz sat back on her heels watching me carefully. “Used who and how?”
“My pack. Jude.”
“You’re going to have to explain a little better.”
“I could’ve—I could’ve left. I should have. I liked Jude for years and I never left. I didn’t do anything, but I wanted to.”
Jazz’s eyes widened. “Girl, are you seriously blaming yourself for not leaving an abusive relationship for my brother?”
“I did it with Leo, too. I liked him, I pushed boundaries, I went for lessons knowing Tyler would be mad. I let all of them save me. I lived with them, I slept with them, I knew they would take care of me.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on for two seconds.” Jazz took my hand in hers, holding tightly. “You’re trying to twist this around so you’re some evil mastermind. Madison, you were in anabusive relationship, coming out of an abusive home. You’re not a shit person for wanting comfort when someone offers. Jude talked about you foryears. We all know Tyler was a shithead, and we saw that today in person.”
“No one should blame you for not leaving sooner,” Farrah said gently. “Abuse does weird things to the brain, and it can be dangerous to leave. You know that. You saw exactly what happened when you pushed back. He could’ve gotten you killed, and who’s to say he would have reacted any different if you’d tried to leave sooner?”
“Fare is right. Jude doesn’t blame you for taking that time, and I’m sure the others don’t either. He’s my brother, but he’s not stupid. He’s always loved you and he’d have waited a whole lifetime for you.”
