“NeNe,” Sienna softly said. “You’re crying.”
“What?” I asked with a frown, drawing back. “No, I’m not. I yawned and?—”
“We’re not leaving until you tell me the truth. I swear to God we ain’t,” she interrupted again, shaking her head. “Something just happened. You think I’m stupid enough to believe what you just said? Fuck out of here. That little girl looked too much like Sparkle for me.”
“What?” I frowned and quickly swiped at the tears running down my face. Against my will. My body just… it did what it wanted to do. “Bitch, shut the fuck up. That little girl did not look like Sparkle. We have to go. I have to pick the cake up and?—”
“And it’s going to have to wait because like I said, we not leaving until you tell me why you’re crying. I’m not going through what I went through on your birthday, again, Ne. Too much shit been happening. I don’t have your iPad anymore. I’ll be damned if I look up and you missing again. Look at you. Can’t even stand still.”
I was pacing again. Pacing with my head tossed back a little, trying to contain the tears and my breathing. Trying to… trying to find a mask. Trying to hide. Trying to pretend I was okay. I needed one. I needed one bad. Needed that more than I needed to breathe. SiSi could see me. She could see my scars. She could see the pain. And I wasn’t okay with that.
I wanted to go back to the NeNe I was before I answered the door. I needed to completely erase what happened. How could I do that? Forget all together? Just… like it didn’t happen. I needed God to help me. Needed him to take the last twenty minutes of my life away and?—
“Okay, come here. Sit down,” said Sienna, grabbing my arm.
I snatched away. “Mm. Mm,” I mumbled, shaking my head. “I have to—we have to go. The party is?—”
“Hours away. You need to relax.” She grabbed me again. This time interlocking her arm with mine. She led me out of the hallway to the kitchen where she practically sat me on the barstool.
I heard her go into the cabinet. Heard the glasses clink as she pulled one down. Heard the cabinet shut, and her walk over to the refrigerator where I could see her in my peripheral. Heard when she pressed the glass against the water dispenser, too. She was talking. Rambling about how I needed to tell her what was going on. Said she was so tired of me and my secrets. Said she wasn’t letting me walk away with this one with an ‘okay’. She needed answers. Was afraid that one day she’d get a call about me. One that would destroy her. She was worried about me. Thought I was suicidal. Thought that whatever happened a minute ago would send me over a cliff. She had a good idea, but she didn’t want to say. Said shehadto be wrong.
I just sat there in somewhat of a daze, barely listening. I mean, I heard her but my mind? My mind was on ‘Diary, Duke’s daughter’. It kept replaying in my mind. The way he said it. The way she looked up at me with the eyes of my daughter, who had the eyes of her father. Who… was her father too.
No, he wasn’t.
I laughed.
Caught Sienna off guard as she sat the glass of water in front of me. I cracked up. Couldn’t control it. I needed to control it. Had to get myself together. Today was Aubry’s eighteenth birthday. It was a celebration for me too. I couldn’t be…thislater. I had to be Mahogany the mommy. Mahogany, the good, happy wife. They already knew too much. I’d already shown too much. I—I was crumbling, for real now. I needed to figure out how to put me back together. I had a few hours.
Sienna looked at me with furrowed brows, and this chilling look of concern on her face. She was witnessing it in real time.Me breaking. Me… broken. I couldn’t do anything to hide it. I tried. I tried so hard. Digging into my arms didn’t work. Taking deep breaths didn’t work. Asking God for help sure as hell didn’t help. I was just… You know… the worst version of myself and I couldn’t do anything besides be it.
“No, on some real shit,” Sienna said, pulling the barstool beside me, closer. Sitting she said, “NeNe…” She placed her hands on top of mine. “Calm… calm down. Take a deep breath for me.”
I didn’t.
I did stop laughing though.
I sat there, staring at her with tears rolling down my face. She didn’t say anything. Didn’t question them anymore. Just reached over to the middle of the island and grabbed a few napkins. Softly, she dabbed at my eyes and told me everything would be okay. Would it? Would everything be okay? I was…I was in shock. In complete shock. I had no control over anything in my life. Not even my own body and that… for me… was earth shattering. I needed control somewhere. I needed to be in charge of something. I couldn’t control the direction in which my marriage went. Couldn’t control my life. Couldn’t even control my own damn body. What was this? I was losing grip on everything. Every single fucking thing. What would happen next? I’d lose control over my children too?
Oh.
My children.
Oh God.
What would they think? How would they feel? Their daddy was daddy to someone else. Another little girl who wasn’t daughter to mommy. I felt sick to my stomach. I hated Duke. I hated him so much. Hated Justin too because he just… he really, really, really just ruined it all for me.
How was I supposed to maneuver around this? How was therapy going to fix this? Thatroller-coastery, merry-go-round was coming to a stop. A slow, painful stop and?—
My phone rang, snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked over at it. From where I sat, I could see Duke’s picture on the screen. Sienna looked towards it and then back at me again.
“You want me to grab it?” She asked.
I shook my head no and rested my head on the island.
She rubbed my back, sighed, and said, “Am I right?”
I didn’t say anything. She wanted me to confirm if she was right about what she thought about the little girl. I didn’t have it in me to respond. I couldn’t even be honest with myself—how was I going to be honest with her?
