I sighed, rubbed my lips together and said, “I’m not sure, baby. A couple of days or so.”
Duke was out of the house. Had to be. I asked him about Diary and shit got crazy. He trid to lie and I put my hands on him. Eventually he told the truth and I told him to leave. According to the kids, he was off on a trip, helping construction workers in Ohio. Neither Gabe nor Aubry were buying the whole work trip thing, but neither of them had said anything to me about it for real. They knew something happened. They were up when everything happened. Heard us fighting and all. The next morning, when Duke wasn’t home, they asked where he was. I lied then, too. Told them he had to leave for work earlier than usual. They asked about the night before, I shut shit down with a quick ‘it’s grown-up stuff’ response and left it at that. My kids were worried but one thing they didn’t do was push. Eventually,I’d be honest. Not because I wanted to, but because I’d have to be.
I thought about that more than anything.
What Diary would do to them. How the divorce would affect them. How their emotions would affectme. The minute Justin opened his mouth and said Diary was Duke’s, it stopped being about just me. Stopped being about my own issues and quickly flipped to the kids. This was about them. This was about us. We were a unit. Always had been. But in a few months, we wouldn’t be, and that would shake their entire world up.
I’d been thinking about what that would have done to me as a kid. About what it would have been like had my daddy done what Duke did, making them get a divorce. I would’ve been mortified. Definitely would have caused a bit of trauma. I didn’t want that for my children. But what was I supposed to do? Stay in it anyway? Just for the sake of not hurting them like that? When staying with Duke in this climate would fuck them up too? I damn near whooped his ass the other night with my kids at the door. I didn’t do shit like that. This marriage… it was changing me for the worst.
I didn’t know where the fuck he was at. I just had to get him out of the house. Otherwise, I would have killed him. Honestly. I would have. I couldn’t be in the same house as him. Not right now I couldn’t. I needed a minute. A minute to figure out how to tell the kids we were getting a divorce. A minute to handle being under the same roof as him without wanting to slit his throat. A minute to get me together.
I was in shambles.
Heartbroken.
Today more than I was yesterday. Every day, it got a little worst. Today, with questions from all of the kids, I was a mess. They wanted to know when dad would be coming back. He’d been gone for three days. Three days weren’t enough. I neededhim gone forever. Yes, forever. Did I want the nigga to die? Of course not. I thought about it though. Wanted to kill him with my bare hands, for real. Wanted to choke him until he was at the brink of life. Wanted to inflict some serious pain on him. Something that would come close to the pain I felt.
“I miss him,” Honesty complained.
I didn’t say anything; I just took a deep breath and continued to fold clothes.
I’d been at home for three days, too. Hadn’t been to the office. Hadn’t had the urge to get dressed to go down there. I really hated to admit it, but I was depressed. Sad as hell about the situation. If it weren’t for the kids, I would havestayedin bed. For the most part, I did. While they were at school, I stayed in bed from the time I dropped them off to the time I had to pick them up. Didn’t even bother showering for real. Just… brushed my teeth and freshened up. I laid in bed for hours, crying. Crying not because of my marriage but because of me. I was exhausted. Mentally and emotionally drained, with so many questions I knew would go unanswered. Not questions for him. But questions forHim. God.
I didn’t know what He was doing in my life. God revealed Diary to me. He wanted this to end. I felt it in my bones. Him pushing me in a direction where Duke didn’t stand. I’d felt it for years and I ignored it. But this? This I couldn’t ignore. He knew just what to do to get me to leave Duke. I wondered if He was sitting up there, wondering what choice I would make for real. I wondered if with this revelation He thought I’d still choose Duke. Probably. Most likely. Because there hadn’t been a time in this marriage where I chose anything but him.
“I’m gonna call him,” Honesty said before scooting off the couch to grab her iPad I assumed.
About five minutes later, she returned with it. I shook my head at all of the stains covering it but said nothing. I was tiredon every level. Drained as a mother. Drained as a trying wife. Drained as a fucking person. So, I let shit slide. The kids hadn’t done their chores in the three days he’d been gone neither. I let that slide. They probably had homework—I didn’t know. I hadn’t asked. Aubry came home after curfew last night… I let that slide too. Didn’t say a damn thing to her about it when we crossed paths at the top of the staircase. She gave me a look. One of those deer caught in headlight looks, and I just shook my head and continued down the stairs.
“He’s at work, Honesty,” I told Honesty, shaking my head. ”He’s not going to?—“
“Hey Honesty, baby,” Duke said, answering the call, the sound of heavy construction machinery in the background.
I cringed.
I hated the sound of his voice.
“Hey daddy!” She shouted.
“What you doin baby girl?” Duke asked.
The sound of his voice made me want to vomit. So, I stood up and walked out of the room, feeling Honesty’s eyes on me when I did. Walking into the kitchen, I snatched the refrigerator door open and stared at the bottle of Caymus calling my name. God, I was tempted. It was four in the afternoon. I didn’t need to drink, but Ineededto drink. However, because I’d been drinking every day since finding out about that little girl, I opted for apple juice instead.
Honesty joined me in the kitchen, still on with her daddy. I sighed and rolled my eyes, as I poured apple juice into the cup I got from the cabinet when she walked in.
“Nothing. Just chilling with momma. You want to talk to?—”
“I’m sure daddy is busy, baby. Let him work,” I interrupted before she could ask if he wanted to talk to me.
It was pointless because he said, “Yeah, I want to talk to momma. Put her on.”
I gritted my teeth and wrapped my hand around the apple juice bottle, with a tight-lipped smile.
“Here momma!” Honesty yelled, handed me the iPad.
I grabbed it and looked into the camera with a flat expression.
“Hey gorgeous,” Duke spoke.
