“Mmhmm,” I grunted. “Well, I’m on my way. What y’all tryin’ to eat tonight?”
“I cooked. Spaghetti and wings.”
“I had stuff for spaghetti there?”
“Nope. I packed everybody in the car and went to Kroger,” she said with a laugh. “They got on my nerves so bad. We can’t eat fast food every time we here, daddy.”
I tossed my head back against the headrest and stared off into the distance. “You right. Thank you, Bry-Bry. You know I appreciate you, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to be reimbursed too.”
With that, we laughed and hung up. Instead of pulling off, I sat there a minute, stuck in my head. I did appreciate my daughter. More than she would ever know. It was rocky getting where we were. She was mad at me for months before she started to open up again. For a while, I thought she would go off to college with that same chip on her shoulder but nah. A couple of weeks before she started, she softened up and bits and pieces of the Aubry I thought I lost started to resurface. I thought I hated when Mahogany was pissed at me. Nah, nothing compared to the cold shoulder my daughter gave me. Shit was heartbreaking for real.
Before I could pull off, my phone vibrated and I checked it. It was Juanita, asking me how therapy went. With a deep breath, I stared at the screen. Scrolling up a bit, I read through our feed, shaking my head. What the fuck was I doing? I needed to put an end to whatever it was that Juanita thought was happening between us. Every morning, she texted good morning, every night, good night. She checked on me, brought me food to work, sat with me, hinted at wanting to go out and shit like that. AndI fed into it all. Texted her back, accepted her food, gave off the impression that we would go out eventually. All for nothing. I wasn’t in it with her. Would never be in it with her. She was cool. Beautiful, sweet, caring, thick as hell. My type for sure, if I was actually looking. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t in that headspace. When I said I didn’t think I would ever move on from Mahogany, I meant it. Shit, I meant it more than I thought apparently. I hadn’t had pussy since Talia and the crazy part about that was, I had no desire to fuck on anything neither.
I was lonely, jacking my dick damn near every night at the thought of Mahogany. I missed her. Still. Now more than I did before. I was sick as hell without her and felt like I would never find love again. On one hand I was cool with that. Felt like that was what I deserved, low key. I was still, as usual, beating myself up. The only difference about it now was that I wasn’t blaming anybody for where I was in life. I took accountability for it all. What I did landed me here. Mahogany didn’t have to forgive me. She didn’t have to accept Diary. I was a bold ass nigga to even think that shit. Entitled for real. Since we split, I’d had a lot of time to think about everything and where I was, was where I was destined to be all along.
Why did I think I’d get a happily ever after with her? After all of the dirt I did? I didn’t deserve that. Regardless of what Michael said, there was a balancing of scales happening. You can’t do dirt and expect to get rewarded at the end. What I was going through was a direct reflection of the negativity I put out. And accepting that was a hard ass pill to swallow.
After telling Juanita therapy went straight, I backed out of the parking spot and headed home.
There was no telling for real where life would take me. Maybe I would find the urge to date and seek love again. From where I sat, it didn’t feel that way. Not only because I didn’t think I deserved it but also because I had no desire for it if it wasn’twith Mahogany. She did what she did, yeah but even that was a reflection of the energy I put out. If Mahogany called me right now and told me she wanted the family together again, I would push past that shit and take my baby back. Letting go of Mahogany was something I didn’t think I would ever do. I was respectful though. Didn’t call her. Didn’t try to get up in her business. I gave her space and love from a distance, regardless of how painful it was.
About twenty minutes later, I was pulling into the garage at the condo. I killed the engine, grabbed my phone and got out. Before I could walk in, I heard them coming. With a smile, I slowed my stride and waited.
A second or two later, the garage door swung open and out ran both Sparkle and Diary.
“Daddy!” Yelled Sparkle, trying to jump into my arms.
“Daddy! Daddy!” Yelled Diary, trying to do the same.
Yeah, I was daddy these days. Later was that Mr. Duke shit. I could remember the day I went from Mr. Duke to daddy vividly. She’d just woken up from a nightmare and was calling me in the night. I thought I was tripping for a minute, hearing Sparkle. But when I finally came to, and realized what was going on, my heart filled with an overwhelming amount of love, and I rushed to her room to check on her. From that day forward, I was daddy.
“What y’all been doing all day?” I asked. “Fighting?”
“No!” yelled Sparkle.
“She took my doll,” Diary pouted.
“No, I didn’t! You said I could play with it.”
“I wanted it back!”
While they argued, I walked up the stairs to the main level of the condo. The smell of fried chicken immediately hit my nostrils and I silently thanked God. I was tired of fast food too. Aubry was helpful as hell, but I needed to step up. I couldn’t rely on my daughter cooking. Especially since she was usually atschool. Cooking wasn’t her responsibility. She liked it but it was on me to be better in that department. I made a mental note to cook at least three times a week.
“You saw what they said about Durant?” asked Gabe, sitting at the island, looking down at his phone.
I put the girls down and told them to play fair. They ran off after shouting okay in unison.
“Nah, what they say?”
He looked over his shoulder at me, shook his head and said, “Trading him.”
“Swear to God?” I said with raised brows.
“Bible,” he said, steady shaking his head.
We were cool. Back like we never left, talking about sports, music, and playing the game together like nothing happened. I was complete. Complete in every area but my love life. My heart was full since I had my kids, but there were still little holes in it. A big ass hole in it for real. A hole that only Mahogany would fill. But… that was a wrap. And although I didn't think God was much of a fan of me, I still asked him on a daily to help me reach a place of true acceptance. I didn’t think Mahogany and I would ever get back together but… I hadn’t quite reached a point in my journey where I could say that without it hurting.
