There’s a chorus of agreement from Lily and Lexi, and it goes straight to my gut. I’ve found my tribe, and it’s like coming home.
“Thanks, guys. Just knowing you’re here makes it so much less intimidating.”
“We got you, M.” Lexi says with a wink. “Jos is right. What doyouwant?”
I’m going to have to contemplate that question. I’ve been so busy wallowing in my shame spiral that I haven’t even considered whatIwant. I really miss the quiet, steady partnership we were building. The way we were perfectly in sync while preparing a meal. His uncanny ability to tell when I need an extra hug, or the way he seamlessly handles the little things like taking out the trash. Even his willingness to read a book that I’m reading so we can discuss it, without fanfare. Everything was so easy with Liam.
This relationship has changed me for the better. I’m softer and more open than I’ve been since before my parents passed. I love how his appreciation of the little things I do, like making him a healthy meal, inspires me to enjoy giving without resentment. The way he wants my input on the daily for everything from team dynamics to what I need emotionally gives our relationship a balance that I’ve never had with any other romantic partner.
And the sex. Oh my God! I shouldn’t focus on the physical, but no man has ever taken me to the heights of passion like Liam. This is the first relationship where the sex has been so phenomenal that I can’t wait to get home at night. The cuddling is top-tier. I love the way we talk for hours after we’ve been intimate. It’s almost as good as the sex. Almost.
Do I want more? Undeniably yes. Yes, I do. The last few weeks were the happiest I’ve been in years. Do I love him? On some level, I’ve always loved him, but now? Now I’m pretty sure I’m fallingin lovewith him. Oh God. I love Liam.
My face must betray my thoughts because everyone smiles.
“That’s the look of a girl who knows what she wants.” Lily says triumphantly.
I blush.
“Yeah, I do.” I say with a smile.
“You want to keep Captain Hottie, don’t you? Because damn girl, those abs. Yum!” Lexi blurts out.
“I really do. I’m no exactly sure where to go from here. What if he doesn’t want me? I was such a bitch, you guys.”
“Okay, possibly, but we can get you guys past that, especially since you plan to apologize. You do plan to apologize, right?” Lily says, moving immediately into planning mode.
“Of course.” I reply. That part is a done deal.
“Well, I don’t believe we should go the grand gesture route. That doesn’t fit him, does it? The opposite actually.” Lexi says.
“I agree. That’s absolutely not his thing. We need a heart to heart and not in a restaurant either. Neither of us would be comfortable having an intimate conversation in public.”
“Ugh right! No restaurant.” Lily taps her lips with the ballpoint pen she’s using to keep track of our discussion.
“You could invite him over for dinner. Maybe don’t tell him you need to talk though because we’re all aware of how guys react to that. Although, Liam doesn’t seem to run away from the hard stuff. Look at the whole rookie situation.” Joslyn offers.
“I’m not sure how he’s going to respond. I wish I did.” I tell them. “I say we go with the direct approach and see if that works. If not, we can resort to subterfuge.” I say with a wicked smile.
“I love subterfuge!” says Lexi with a dreamy look on her face. “It’s the best part!”
“That does not reassure me, Lexi.” My gut says that Liam wouldn’t appreciate it either.
We move on to other topics after that, and I’m glad. I don’t want to be that friend who makes their issues everyone’s focus. Lily tells us about her latest Tinder date disaster. Lexi shares of few stories from her first semester of college. Joslyn regales us with details of her first ice-skating date with Damon. It’s fun, light, and precisely what I need to get my mind off the more serious problems in my life.
On the walk back to my studio, Joslyn pulls me aside, asking if I’ll walk with her. I agree because I’d listen to this woman’s wisdom about pretty much anything.
“So, if I’m overstepping, please tell me, but I wanted to talk to you for a minute.”
“Sure. Go ahead, Jos.”
“When my husband Kurt died, I found myself dealing with an enormous amount of pent up anger. I had every right to be angry, as you do about your own struggles, but I found that it was really affecting my relationships with my children and otherpeople in my life that I cared for deeply. The day that I blew up at my son about cleaning his room, was the day I decided to go talk to someone. Anger is a legitimate emotion response to unjust or hurtful situations, but I didn’t want it to control my life. And for a while I’m sad to say that it did.”
I nod my head. This sounds so familiar. I don’t say a word because I want to hear the rest. It feels important.
“When you live in the angry state, as I did, it twists everything around you. I found myself growing extremely critical of the people around me - my children, and especially myself. It was a rough period for my family and it did more harm than good with my children which I deeply regret. Thankfully, I found an amazing counselor who helped me find better ways to not only channel my anger but to learn to love myself again.” She pauses and smiles at me softly while wiping at her glassy eyes. I smile back and take her arm in silent support.
“I’m not saying you have the same issues, but if you do find that your anger becomes an issue, I can give you her name and information. It will give you some options, at least.”
