I swallow, stick my tongue out, and shake my head. “Yeah, my case still stands. This is gross.”
That earns me a laugh, and I beam with pride. I don’t know what’s going on, but whatever it is, at least he’s smiling, even if for a second.
Time passes slowly and fast all at once. I watch the birds sing and fly away, the squirrels playing, and a few parents chasing toddlers. I watch the clouds shifting and will the nonexistent breeze to blow on my face, because it’s hotter than hell today. I didn’t plan on stepping outside for more than getting to my van when I got dressed today.
“Thanks for this.”
“I don’t know if you need to be thanking me for tinting your stomach blue, but sure, no problem.”
He laughs again, and suddenly, I realize I might be addicted to it, the way the sound seems to come from deep in his belly and carry all the way to his full lips. How his glasses-covered hazel eyes wrinkle at the corners, almost kissing his cheeks; how he can’t seem to be able to contain his feet from kicking. I want to figure out how to make that happen again and again.
“No, really, thank you. I needed this.”
It hits me right now that I really wanted yesterday to be a date. I didn't realize until this moment that I like him—a lot. Because when he said he needed this, I kind of wish he said he neededme.
“I aim to please.” I smile, my cheeks surely blushing, if the heat I feel rising to them is any indication.
He opens his mouth, speechless, and oh my God.
“No, no, not what I meant. Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make it sound like that. I just?—”
“It’s okay. Breathe, Beauty.”
I bite my lower lip absentmindedly, and that makes me flush again, so I shake my head and try to talk about anything but the way I’m freaking out right now.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“You spiraling right now?” he jokes, pulling an eyeroll from me and making me feel like Bella when I try to be a smartass around her.
“No, you jerk. Whatever made you so sad a little bit ago.”
His face turns somber; surely, my words are taking him back to that moment, and I hate myself for it. For bringing him pain. For reminding him he wasn’t all happy and cheerful less than half an hour ago.
“Does it ever hit you that you won’t ever see Nick again?”
His question is a blow straight to the heart. I’m never taken aback by anyone mentioning Nick; he was so loved and cherished in this town and by our friends, I hear his name often. But something about Holden calling my late husband’s name, about Holden leaving space for Nick to exist between us, whatever this is, is really emotional, for lack of a better word.
“Mm, it does. Often, actually. It’s the worst part about losing him suddenly. I said goodbye when he was stepping through our front door to go to work, not paying it any attention, and then I never got to see him alive again. And I never will.”
He blinks rapidly. “How are you so good at putting your feelings into words?”
“It’s funny you say that, because I actually don’t think that’s the case at all. I’m always spiraling, always trying to express beyond tears what I’m feeling. But sometimes, I have to talk through Bella’s feelings, and it ends with me explaining with facts. Missing him is a fact I don’t think will ever go away.”
I don’t want it to go away. I’m terrified if it does, it means I don’t love him anymore, but that’s not the case.
“I miss them, today more than ever.”
“You’re allowed to.”
“I had to tell him about Liz being his daughter today. He didn’t know.” Oh man, his dad.
He waits for me to put all the pieces together and continues, “He assumed Mom remarried, and watching the light leave his eyes was harder than I thought it would be. Watching him grasp at every word I shared about how Liz used to be was even harder. I didn’t realize how much I missed her until now. And Natalie, I do—miss her, that is. A lot.”
“Do you want to talk more about her, or do you want to change the topic?” I ask, sliding my spoon back in the ice cream and leaving it there.
He chuckles when he sees I’m not eating anymore. I bite my lower lip in a shy smile and shake my head. “I’m not eating that, but have at it. I got it for you either way.”
“The only thing I know right now is that I miss her and Mom, and it’s not fair they died, and I’m still here.”
