I shake my head. “I can’t. Um, I have somewhere to be.”
“Holden, please.”
“I can’t, Jerry. Okay? I’ll be back Friday.”
I slide my hand in my back pocket, pulling out a worn wallet, one I’ll never get rid of because it was a Christmas gift from Liz. It doesn’t matter that it’s raggedy and old; I’ll keep it forever.
I pull out a Polaroid picture. I have so many copies of this day. I got Liz a camera when she turned fourteen, and the first three rolls of film were selfies of us. I kept them all after she gained her wings.
“You can have this,” I say. My voice doesn’t even sound like my own anymore. It’s heavy, full of sorrow and longing for someone I can never see again. For someone who changed my life from the moment she was born and who will never get to experience all the wishes and dreams I had for her, that she wanted for herself too.
I’m doomed to miss my best friend and mom forever. I’m doomed to live in their shadows and with their ghosts in my heart. And I can’t even be mad at anyone but myself.
“I’ll see you Friday.”
I leave, wiping away tears, and get in my car. I blast the saddest song to ever exist, because I deserve to fall into the despair I’m feeling right now.
Alone.
Forever alone.
Usually on days like today, I drive aimlessly until eventually, I end up at the cemetery. I can feel closer to them here, cry at their graves until there are no tears left. Today, it’s not the cemetery in front of me.
I drove straight to her.
24
I’M HONORED YOU CAME TO ME
The Light by Album Leaf
Natalie
“Doyou think we need to do an event for back to school? We’re running out of time,” I tell Ellie, who not only works some shifts but also manages my social media.
“Already on it.” She shows me her plan, a very detailed outline of what’s to come, and I love it. The doorbell chimes, and I look up to welcome them, but words don’t come out when I see Holden standing there, looking completely destroyed.
“Um, I?—”
She must see the turmoil threatening to come out, because she says, “Go, go. I can stay four more hours. My sister-in-law has the kids today, and Cal’s picking them up to take Theo to a birthday party.”
I only see understanding behind her eyes, either after she saw how devastated he looks or by the way my entire body reacted. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, go. I’ve got this.”
It feels like miles before I get to Holden, and when I do, right here, up close, it’s even worse than I thought. His eyes, usually honey and gold, whiskey and joy, are red-rimmed and full of pain. Without thinking, my hand touches his face, his stubble brushing my fingertips, and he exhales. His breath caresses my cheeks, and it’s not until now that I realize how close we are to each other.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he whispers.
“Is it a harder day?” It’s the same question he asked me the day I was falling apart in my home. He huffs.
“Okay, let’s go.” I pull him out of the store, straight to the corner store, where I pick up a pint of ice cream, and then I practically drag him to the park across the street, straight to the bench where we shared a moment and talked.
We sit side by side, sharing the space while I allow him time to do whatever it is he needs at this moment. I want to do for him what he did for me when I was losing it over my porch. I take the lid off the ice cream tub and offer him a spoon, which he takes, digging right away into the blue ice cream.
“I thought you said this was radioactive,” he finally jokes when I take a bite of the disgusting flavor.
