“Then you sure as hell won’t say it about yourself. You’re not broken. A little sad, yes, but not broken.”
That’s where Daisy’s wrong. I am broken. I’m not a little sad. I’m really sad. All the time. Except when I’m around Natalie. She spreads her light like the Florida sun.
“You’re thinking about her, right?” I look at Mateo, who asks knowingly.
“A woman who makes you smile like that is worth chasing. And you, my friend, are worth loving.”
“You know, son, I don’t know if you’re still blaming yourself for what happened, and judging by the look on your face now, you are, but I’m here to tell you it wasn’t your fault, and you do deserve good things,” Joe adds.
Tears threaten to fill my eyes, so I take a sip of the drink to drown them.
“Accidents happen. It wasn’t your fault. Do you hear me?” Joe asks again. I don’t know how many times he has said it to me through the years, but the words don’t settle in my brain. They don’t go through, they don’t stick. Because it was.
If they hadn’t gone out to see me, they wouldn’t have been on the road. If I had left the arena with them, maybe we would not have made it to the bridge at the same time as the asshole drunk driver. If I would’ve been with them, they would be here. So yeah, it’s my fault.
But they don’t deserve to carry my load too, so I hide the truth behind a nod.
“So if you’re interested, and she seems interested in you too, you should totally give it a shot. Take it slow. Baby steps, you know?”
Maybe that’s all I need to do right now. Baby steps.
“What’s different about her that has you even considering dating?” Liam asks. He’s been quiet this whole time, the only one who truly knows what the dark place I was in looked like. He’s the one who had to physically drag me out of my house, the one who helped put me back together. I owe him my life. He’s the only one who knows about Jerry too. They don’t.
I struggle with what to say. I truly believe she was heaven-sent, either as a gift or as a penance. The only words that leave my lips are the ones I know to be true. “She’s light.”
“Oh boy,” Aspen whispers. “He’s a goner, ladies, babies, kids, pets, and gents.”
Chuckles and eyerolls fill the space.
“You can be light too. And if that’s what’s making you smile like that lately, then I’m glad you found her,” Liam adds, and I nod. The room moves on from the topic, and I’m thankful. They’re all now talking about who knows what as I finish my drink and think about possibilities.
I’m drained.
I’m done being interrogated. I don’t want to talk about anything else, so I stay silent and listen to them continue to joke and chat about life. Joe takes the girls home, and we stay longer as I soak it all in. My friends. My family. This life that I apparently want to share with Natalie too.
I don’t know what to do with that realization.
18
I HAVE FREE WILL AND I’M A GODDAMN ADULT.
Partners in Crime by FINNEAS
Holden
“Hello, Natalie.”My smile fades instantly when the bag on her shoulder catches my attention.
“Oh, hey. What are you doing here?”
My thoughts are constantly occupied with you and our time together.
I want light and happiness, and you give me both.
I think constantly about you, and I realize I have free will and I’m a goddamn adult.
“I thought to stop by before the hospital. Are you—are you leaving?”
“Mm-hmm. Ellie is here today.” This is the first time I’ve noticed there’s someone else here. “She usually helps in the mornings, but she’s available all day today, so I’m going to take advantage of it and paint my living room, which has had chipped paint for months.”
