I start to drive away, but then I see it—the swing. It looks so empty and quiet, just hanging there on that powerful tree. I follow the rope up, to the branch holding it, and holy shit, there’s a little cardinal roosting there.Their guardian angel.
Before I can change my mind, I step out of the car and walk up to the swing.
There’s not a breeze tonight, so it doesn’t move. It just hangs there, like my life was between mom and Liz, and now, content, but not happy, not like I am now. I hold the rope, letting out a breath and offering it the recognition I didn’t before when I fixed it. I didn't know how important it was to all of them until now.
I sit, softly swinging back and forth, thinking about everything Natalie just shared with me. “I don’t know that I know how to do this, so you’re going to have to forgive me,” I say to no one in particular. Who am I talking to? The stars? God? Fate? The cardinal? Nick?
All of them, I decide.
“It sucks that we’re in this situation, huh? Not because I love those three girls. No, that would never be an issue. More like because in order for that to happen, there had to be space in their hearts—a giant hole with the nameNick Bradshawon it. Judging by how they talk about you, you were the best everything. The best dad, friend, husband, man. I realize now I don’t even know how you died.”
I let out a loud breath, but not even that spooks the cardinal quietly sleeping right above me.I’m losing it.
“I don’t need to know how to know it was a surprise, and you took a piece of all of them with you. Not your fault, I know. That’s not what I mean. What do I actually mean? I’m not sure. But she said they all talk to you here, right? So here I am, letting you know what I notice. They do miss you, big time, butthey have kept living a beautiful full life. I’m sure, without even knowing you, that’s what you would have wanted for them. I would think that’s what my mom would want for me too. Are you together? Somewhere? Did you both decide to get in kahoots and play fate and cross our paths? Could you tell Ineededthem in my life? If you didn’t, well, now you know. Natalie, Bella, and Vero gave my life meaning again. And that’s a lot to put on them, I realize, but it goes beyond that. I never knew it could feel like this, you know? To love someone, to share your ups and downs with them, the way it feels with her. But youknewthat. You knew she was special, and you loved her like she was. How lucky for them to know a love like that, huh? It doesn’t happen often. It’s rare and magical and unique.”
I kick my feet, balancing on the swing while the branch quietly creaks. The cardinal is still asleep.
“I believe that even though your time on Earth wasn’t as long as it should’ve been, the epic love story you had was one for the ages. We have so much to learn from it, and I really hope Natalie keeps telling me more about you. Bella said we would’ve been friends, and that was a big compliment. She wants me to call her Izzy at practice and Bella everywhere else. It gets hard, but I’m happy to do hard things for them. And Vero, I know you didn’t meet her, but man, she’s precious. She’s perfect. She works so hard, and I see it every time I hang out with her. She calls meHolen, orPlayinstead of Clay sometimes if she’s around Bella, and I secretly love it. I don’t want her to even know how to say my name; I will gladly be Holen to her forever.”
I rake my hand through my hair, staring at the bird. “I could talk about them all night. I could talk about how precious they are and how thankful and lucky I am that I get to spend time with them. I don’t take it for granted, and I hope you know that. I know, I know, I’m not even half the man you were, and I know I don’t bring parents who are present or a big family they can bea part of, but I do bring friends who will love them as much or even more than they love me. I bring patience, love, and priority, and I will make them all mine. I guess I’m here to say thank you for putting them in my path. Thank you for sharing them with me. I know their hearts are big enough for both of us, and I will never try to replace you. I will live every day, week, month, year, loving them while learning about you and loving you through them. I hope you can see how much I mean it. How much they mean to me.”
I walk around the swing to my car, but I turn back to it one last time and say, “I will make it my life’s mission to make them happy. I promise.” The last word is not completely out of my lips when the tiny cardinal startles and then flies away, leaving me breathless.
A soft breeze brushes my face, as if I needed more confirmation they heard me—that he heard me. I take this moment to close my eyes and whisper, “I promise” for good measure.
45
DID YOU KNOW?
Youth by Daughter
Natalie
“You don’t haveto wait for me. You can just drop me off,” Bella says, walking up the wooden steps to Healing Pals.
“I know you think you’re all grown and stuff, but you’re not, and I would rather wait. I brought a book.” I shake my newest romance obsession,First Comes Amorby Cynthia Rodriguez. Her writing style is emotional, and her stories are great, with a wide range of feels. I’ve been inhaling her backlist recently, and this one, I couldn’t put down.
There’s been something so healing about reading romance. I thought it would be the opposite after losing Nick and definitely after my experience with infertility, but something about seeing a couple go through hardships and come out at the end with a happy ending has been exactly what I needed. It has given me hope.
“Fine. If you want to waste your time here, go ahead.”
“Bella, look at me.” She stops, not turning. “Look at me. Please.”
She does, painfully slow.
“Nothing that has to do with you is a waste of time, and certainly not your mental health. It’s as important as healing physically.” I cup her face, smiling softly at her. I know she’s strong, and I know she takes pride in that, but it doesn’t mean she has to do it alone. It doesn’t mean she has to fake it. The revelation hits me like a hammer straight to my heart, and Holden’s words echo in my head.Now, you don’t have to be strong all alone. I can be here too.
“I can be here for you. Let others help you carry the load; it weighs less.”
She nods before turning back to the entrance. I follow along. For so many years, I’ve been in survival mode, one foot in front of the other, just trying not to fall apart, thinking if I did, it would somehow make me unworthy. I thought if Nick had to go, the least I could do was be strong for the two of them. But Holden has taught me strength is not measured in solitude, and emotions are meant to be felt. There’s strength in numbers too.
“You must be Isabella,” Julia says, greeting Bella.
“Bella is fine,” she replies, extending her hand as Julia smiles.
“Hi, Bella. Nice to meet you.” Julia points to the back. “We’re getting ready to go in the back. Mom, she’ll be ready in about an hour and a half. You can leave her and come back, or you can wait in that area.” Julia points to a living room-looking space, and I wave at Bella as I take a seat.
I’m lost in my book, laughing and kicking my feet, when someone sits next to me, and without looking, I know it’s Holden. His presence makes me relax even if I’m not touching or looking at him.And he loves me.How lucky am I to be loved by him?
