My smile softens as I take her hands in mine, drawing soft circles on her palm.
“We tried for so long, Holden, but we couldn’t get pregnant. It was the weirdest thing. I got pregnant with Bella without even trying and while using condoms and the pill. Secondary infertility, the doctors called it, without any particular reason.”
Has life cut this woman, this family, any slack?
“Every month I had my period, I would sit and swing and we would talk about our feelings, Nick and me. The swing eventually turned into our spot to talk about hard things, our emotions in general. When we had our first loss, a baby who made it through fifteen magical weeks but ended as a hope, we found ourselves going to the swing to wish our baby safe travelsback to wherever her soul was going to rest.” She wipes a tear away, looking up as if she’s borrowing courage from someone above.
“Natalie, we don’t have to talk about this.”
“Is it too heavy for you?” she asks, always putting others first. She’s sharing with me a dark time, a big piece of her heart that was shattered, and she’s worried about me and whether I can take it.
“I want to be here for you through everything, heavy or light. Talk to me. I can listen.”
The breath she lets out carries so much emotion, I can feel it in my heart. “I wish I could tell you that was our last baby who didn’t make it, but it wasn’t. It was hard on all of us, but on Bella too. We tried to keep it from her, but have you met her?” We chuckle. “She’s smart, so she caught on, and we decided to be honest with her.”
Natalie pauses, closing her eyes and blinking, once, twice. “We decided to stop the day we found her on the swing, praying to a God she had stopped believing in, to please take her instead so I could have the baby I wanted.” She exhales. “It broke us. We didn’t realize how much guilt she was feeling over it, so we stopped. We stopped.”
“And then you got pregnant with Vero?” I ask, and she blinks slowly, moving her head, confirming my assumption.
“We didn’t tell her for so long. We wanted to make sure we were safe, you know? And when we did, guess where she went?”
“To the swing.”
“Um-hum. To say thank you and to ask how much longer she had to live, since her sister was going to come.”
That poor girl. A soft gasp escapes me.
“It was so hard, Holden. So, so hard, but we finally were able to get her help, and of course, she found out that’s not how life really works…except…”
“Nick died.”
“And that night, she woke up in the middle of the night and ran to the swing to beg someone to take her instead,” she murmurs, the words dissolving into a ragged exhale. Her fingers curl tightly into her palms, her gaze fixed on the shadowed hallway leading to their rooms. “She was so broken. Nick was her favorite person in the world, and losing him broke her. I was so scared she was going to hurt herself, but she didn’t. She pushed through, she worked through her grief and learned how to live without him. Like we all did.”
“Come here.” I pull her to me, urging her to take comfort in me, in my arms, in my chest, in my heart.I’ve got you,my body whispers to hers, and it listens, because she sits on my lap, wrapping her legs around me, her head on my neck as I brush her soft hair away from her face. “You did everything right. You went through a terrible thing, but you are living, you are here, and so are they. You’re all doing your best. You’re so incredible, so strong.”
“I don’t want to have to be strong, Holden. I would give what I don’t have to not have to miss him, to not have to miss the babies I couldn’t keep.”
“I know.” I would give my life if it meant she could have Nick back.
I would.
I would also give everything I have, everything I am, to heal their broken hearts, but I can’t.
So, I do what I can. I’m here for them. I let her cry as I hold her, just quietly being here for her.
She cries, and, between broken sobs, she says, “She would go to the swing—” she sniffles “—to talk to him. She said she felt closest to him there. She stopped praying for her life to change but started confiding in her dad there. We all did. I felt closer to Nick there too—” she wipes her tears and breaks into a small sobagain “— sometimes, a little cardinal would visit and just land on the swing, as if Nick was here with us.” She shakes her head, remembering. “But about a year ago, it just snapped. It broke, and I didn’t know how to fix it, or I didn’t have enough time to because I’ve had to prioritize so much more. Since you fixed it, Bella has been going there to talk to her dad. She’s been taking Vero. They love it. It brought them joy.Youbrought joy here, and I don’t know how to repay you.”
“You don’t have to. I’m glad I can help. I’m glad I bring joy. God, I would give whatIdon’t have, Natalie, to take your pain away, but I can’t. I can’t do that, but I can try to lighten the load. I can try to make things better and to find joy with you all.”
I kiss the top of her head again.
“Like you’ve brought me joy.” My fingers graze her soft strands, memorizing the feel of her on me. “I had lost hope, you know? I had lost all hope that my life would ever feel whole again after losing Mom and Liz. And then you came along, with your sunset hair and the best little family, and you gave it to me again. You, Bella, and Vero all gave me the hope I once lost, and all I can wish for is that I do the same for you.”
She sucks in a breath, holding my face between her hands, pretty eyes locked in mine.
“My little hope,” I add before leaning forward and kissing the tears falling down her round cheeks. I kiss each one, taking them with me and putting them in my heart, not taking for granted how much she has let me in these past few months, but especially tonight.
“I love you,” I whisper against her cheeks and her lips. And then, we get lost in each other. We kiss for what feels like hours and seconds at a time. Then, I just hold her. I hold her until her breathing changes, and I know she’s asleep. I don’t want to intrude and walk to her room, so I just lay her on the couch anddrape a blanket over her, kissing her forehead and letting myself out.
