I shrug. I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t have time or the space in my life or my heart for dating.
“Nat, babe, your fatty meat, as you call it? More for him to hold. Don’t say shit like that again. Okay?”
“Mmhmm.”
“If you decide you want to date again, don’t let that cloud your judgement, okay?”
I nod again.
“We’ve never brought it up, but whenever you’re ready, we’re there to talk about it.”
I love them so damn much.
“Let’s playwhat’s the worst thing that can happen,” Roe adds.
“The worst thing that could happen? Sheesh, I don’t know, Roe. Maybe I’m not ready to date at all. I hate it and cry the whole time because I miss Nick,” I reply honestly.
“Then call one of us, and we’ll pick you up. But also, Nat…do you want to date again? I think you should, but it’s whatever you want.”
Am I ready?
Do I actually want to?
I haven’t even had time to think about why I should date. I don’t even think I can love someone the way I loved Nick again. So what’s the point? Fit a social construct?
“I agree with Allie. Maybe you’ll never be fully ready, but don’t you wonder if maybe you can find someone you can love? Someone who can give you companionship? You’re so young, so deserving of having someone fall head over heels over you,” Cara adds.
Companionship. A best friend to share, what? The load? My kids are not a load, but why would someone want such a messy family when they could start fresh on their own?
“But also…you don’t need to marry the next person you date.”
My eyes snap at Allie, who knows damn well I’ve only ever dated one man and then married him. She’s one to talk. She also married her high school sweetheart, even though they were apart for ten years.
“You only dated Nick. Aren’t you curious?” she continues.
“About dating?”
They all nod. “And maybe the mystery guy?” Allie asks.
I shake my head. “I actually haven’t thought about it. When do I have time to think about anything other than my never ending to do list? I don’t even remember the last time I shaved, let alone thought about dating.”
“That’s fair,” Cara says. “But maybe you can think about it?”
I let out a breath. “But what if?—”
“What if you have a great time?” Cara interrupts.
“What if you have a great time and decide you don’t want to date? At least you gave it a try. Wouldn’t you rather try it and say no than wonder what if? I know I would. Let my and Jake’s story be an example. Life’s too short. Take the chances,” Allie adds.
I ponder their advice. I look around and see this beautiful life Nick and I built and how he was taken so suddenly from me. Everything could’ve crumbled, but it didn’t. I was falling apart like a damn taco, and they held me together like nachos. But at the end of the day, they’re all going to their people, and I’m left alone in an empty bed.
“I’m scared,” I whisper between gritted teeth. This damn paralysis is exactly that.
I don’t want to go through it again. I don’t want to fall in love and then lose it again.
“Oh, honey. I don’t blame you, but what is it that Allie says?”
“Being brave is doing it scared,” we say in unison, and Allie rolls those beautiful hazel eyes.
