“I have no idea what’s going on in here, and I don’t care, as long as everyone’s smiling. But I know what will make you even happier. I have pizza and ice cream in my car. Boys, come and help me.” She gestures for Kade and Nash to go and help her carry it all inside. She looks to me, her face giving away how concerned she is for me right now, but she’s trying to keep things normal for the boys.
“I’m okay,” I mouth to her, which earns a little nod from Mom before she turns and leaves the kitchen with the boys.
“Fuck, Poppy, are you okay? And don’t bullshit me. Do I need to call Felix and have him come over to take care of the boys? Wecan sit and talk, either alone or with your mom. Just tell me what to do, because I’ll be honest, I’m still wound so tight with anger and anxiety that I could go ten rounds with a punching bag right now.” Landon sits on the seat beside me and pulls me down into his lap.
“Talk to me, don’t hold this in your head when its already like a maze of thought bubbles, all lost and trying to find their way out.” With his finger on my chin, he tilts my face up to look at him.
“I’m numb. I can’t talk about it right now. Let’s just eat, you can take the kids home and get them to bed while I talk with Mom, and then maybe I could come for a sleepover, making sure I’m gone before the boys wake up in the morning. I don’t want to confuse them any more than I already have tonight. We could talk about it then, with me lying in your arms, snug in your bed. My head on your chest hearing your heartbeat is all I want tonight. Am I asking too much?” I look deep into his eyes, wondering what he’s thinking.
“You never have to ask to sleep in my bed. You know I’d have you there every night if you let me.” He reaches out and tucks some stray hair behind my ear. “But if I ever hear you ask if you’re too much again, it’s you I’ll be pinning to the floor and tickling until you can’t breathe. There will never be enough Poppy Bertrum in this world. We need a larger piece of your heart to share around, and definitely more of this sexy body, but that will all be for me.” He leans closer to my ear. “Because I hope you won’t ever share your body with anyone else. That part of you we already agreed belongs to me.” Normally the rasp in his voice would have a shiver running through my body. But not tonight. I’m too drained.
I quickly push up off Landon’s lap when I hear someone coming, to avoid any awkward questions. “Poppy, I’ve got the cheese pizza for you and me.” Kade comes rushing into thekitchen, box in hand, and before he drops it on the floor, Landon reaches out to take it from him.
The moment between us that was turning a little steamy is now gone, which is fine with me.
Chapter Eighteen
LANDON
After we ate pizza, we talked with the boys and tried to explain in the simplest way what happened tonight.
For two boys who have no idea that babies come out of a woman, just that you’re born, it was probably easier to explain who Tessa was than if they were older. Mrs. B was great with them, explaining that lots of people have two moms in their lives. One that they are born with and then another mom who raises them. And it’s okay to love them both. I saw Poppy flinch a little when she said it, but for me it was a great way to describe what I hope Poppy will become to them. A second mom they can love and live a happy life with. It’s a totally different situation, but in a way the same. I’m not sure Kade understood everything about a mom you’re born with, but he’s only little still, and Nash, as I expected, kept asking questions until he was satisfied that everything was okay with Poppy.
Now standing in the shower, hoping the feel of the water will soothe me, so many thoughts are racing in my head. I can’t help but think about Poppy, but more specifically, how muchI love her, and it’s bursting inside me to tell her. I’ll never be able to be the first one to say it though, because I don’t want to scare her off so she pushes me away. Or worse, runs home to Rochester before we have time to work through this. I need some reassurance from her in some way that she’s ready to hear the words‘I love you’from me. And deep down I know the only way I can be positive she feels the same, will be if she says it first.
As far as I’m concerned, we’re together, in a relationship, and I don’t need to put a label on it to confirm that. We might have been trying to keep from the boys what has been building between me and Poppy, but it hasn’t stopped them from forming their own attachments to her too. Nash is already so close to and protective of Poppy. He may not understand that it’s happened, but it’s clear to me that his little heart has already claimed Poppy as his new mother. The way he goes to her for solace as much as he does to me is enough to show how much he loves and trusts her, even though he’s never voiced it. Whereas Kade openly tells her all the time how cool she is and how much he loves her. Just like they’d both claimed Granny B as their own grandmother within a week or so of us moving in. I just pray that Tessa showing up now isn’t going to fracture any of the relationships we’ve already built in our own little blended family.
I don’t know how I’m going to make this happen, but Poppy belongs here with us. I would never stifle her career or push her to move back here permanently if it wasn’t what she wanted. I don’t know if there’s anything left for her in Rochester besides her job, and right now, I don’t know if she’ll ever be able to go back to firefighting anyway. Maybe I need to have a conversation with Sully to get some background information to find out what Poppy would need to do to transfer her credentials to Boston. Not to overstep the boundary of her going through her own thoughts on this, but I need to know for myself if it’s even possible. I don’t know how it works being a firefighter, it’s notlike she works in a store and can just quit her job and find a new one here.
But before I do any of this, I need to know how she feels about us. I just wish she could let me in and share her fears. Before Tessa showed up, in the last few days, I could feel us getting closer and her letting those walls down that have been standing between us. Now I just don’t know if she’ll retreat deep inside herself again. To be honest, I wouldn’t blame her, but I will be blaming Tessa.
Shutting off the shower, I grab clean sleep pants. I can’t wait to be sitting on the couch with a scotch while I wait for Poppy to come over. I don’t want to rush her conversation with her mom because they deserve to have that time. To process, talk, and I’m assuming there will be some crying involved because it’s such a major change in their lives. They’ve only ever had each other through this life, and now another woman may be stepping into the bond between a mother and her daughter. It must be tough for them both right now. Putting myself in their shoes, if this were happening between me and my sons, I don’t know how I would deal with it either.
Looking in on the boys in their beds, they’re finally sound asleep. Getting them into bed wasn’t easy after such a crazy night, and I had to use a bit of bribery. I promised we would do something special on Sunday together. I’ve been wanting to take them to the zoo with Poppy and Mrs. B for a while. I was going to wait until Poppy was walking properly on her own, but I think we all need a distraction and a bit of fun. I’ll just rent a wheelchair for Poppy so she can rest between exhibits and use her crutches when she wants to. So, I told them if they went to sleep tonight, I would tell them tomorrow what the surprise is, giving me time to run it past Poppy later. If she’s not keen, I can just take them on my own. It won’t be the same withoutPoppy, but I’m conscious that Nash and Kade need normality and deserve to have fun father/son time with me too.
The television is background noise, and I couldn’t even tell you what show’s on. I’m sitting staring at the web browser on my phone, researching how to navigate through the emotions of when a child and biological parent meet. When I looked in at the boys asleep in their beds after my shower and thought about how I feel so deeply for them, it made me start feeling guilty for the way I screamed at Tessa, which wasn’t right. I can explain in my head why I reacted the way I did, but still, that woman deserves to be treated with some respect. And until we find a way forward, I need to do better. Even though I met her for less than a minute, and for some reason get a bad vibe from her, I need to try to put that aside. I can’t even guess why I sense that strange energy coming from her. Maybe it has something to do with the way she ignored Poppy’s wishes in turning up here.
Now all I care about is helping my girl through this. Between Mrs. B, Meara, Autumn, and me, we won’t let her fall. She’s not alone in this.
A message from Poppy appearing on my screen, telling me she’s on her way over, has me jumping up from the couch. Opening the front door, I stand here waiting for her.
Watching her making her way up my front path, my heart hurts for her. Her head hangs low as she concentrates on her crutches, but the moment she looks up, I can see how exhausted she is. She’s already in her pajamas, and by the look of her wet hair hanging around her face, I’m guessing she had a shower already. Her eyes have lost that spark that I love seeing so much in her. There are dark bags under her eyes, and her whole face just looks sad.
“Hi, beautiful.” I lean in and kiss her on the cheek as she shuffles past me through the front door. Not speaking a word, she continues down the hallway, then turns right intomy bedroom, which gives me the message loud and clear. She’s ready to completely fall apart, and the only place she wants that to happen is in bed with me where I can hold her tightly and protect her from the world of hurt she’s trying to run from tonight.
Locking the front door, I check on the boys again and then turn off the rest of the lights in the house.
Walking into my room, Poppy is already in my bed, curled into a ball with her head buried in my pillow. Closing the bedroom door behind me, I leave the bedside lamp on, strip down to my boxers, and slide in beside her. Lifting her head from the pillow, she instantly uncurls her body and entwines herself with mine so we become one. She rests her head right above my heart.
It takes less than a minute before the first tortured sob breaks free.
“Let it go, sweetheart, just let it all go,” I whisper to her.
And she does, until finally the room goes silent and Poppy lies still.
Listening intently, I’m trying to work out if she has cried herself to sleep or is just resting from exhaustion, but finally, she lifts her head, looking up at me.
Red-eyed, with a blotchy face and trails of dried tears down her cheeks.
