Would Nova remember how on rainy days, Mom liked to keep the window open just a little bit so we could hear and smell the rain while we were snuggled together on the couch, watching movies?
I knew it would be my job to remind my sister, to bring up funny stories about our mom, but what would happen after I’d forgotten? Who would remind me?
Would it be my job to put Nova’s Santa presents under the tree on Christmas Eve?
I had so many unanswered questions that would never have answers because there wasn’t a playbook for me to follow.
The clouds overhead didn’t move, making time seem as if it were at a standstill. I stared at them from my position on the picnic table. I’d ditched class to come out here. My teacher didn’t even bat an eyelash when I got up and left. What are they going to do, ask me what’s wrong? Everybody knew.
“Hey,” Eleni said as she climbed onto the table and lay next to me. “What are we looking at?”
“Heaven.”
She reached for my hand. “My grandpa is there.”
“Do you think he likes it?”
“I don’t know. I’d like to think so.”
“Do you think heaven looks the same for everyone?”
“I think heaven looks the way you want it to. It’ll be whatever gives the person comfort.”
My lips went into a fine line. I wasn’t sure if she was right, but if she was, then I’d bet my mom would want heaven to look like our house, with me and Nova being as loud as possible.
“It’s going to be okay, Cutter.”
I let her words settle over me and wait for them to make sense. Nothing was ever going to be okay. “You still have your parents, Eleni.” The last thing I wanted to do was hold that against her, but she didn’t know if things were going to be okay.
“I know.”
She seemed sad, and that wasn’t my intent. I sighed heavily and lifted my arm so she could rest her head on my chest. “Things are going to be different.”
“Is your aunt strict?”
“I don’t know, but I’m worried about Nova. Just don’t give up on me, okay?”
“Never, Cutter. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
There were things in my life that I never thought I’d experience: watching my mom fight for every breath, not being able to get up and be with me and Nova and barely able to keep her eyes open.
Each day I wondered if this would be the end, and each night, when I would lie on the air mattress in her room, I wondered if tonight was the night.
I wanted her suffering to stop, but I wanted her better. I longed for her to look at me, smile, and tell me she felt better. Deep down, I knew something like this would only happen in my dreams. That was when everything was perfect.
That was where my mom walked among the wildflowers and the sun always shone brightly.
In my dreams, she wasn’t sick and dying. There she was, hugging Nova and me, and dancing barefoot around the kitchen while noodles boiled in water and pasta sauce simmered in a pot.
In my dreams, I never lost my mom. I planned to stay there as long as possible.
In my reality, my mom passed away peacefully, with Toni, Nova, and me telling her it was okay for her to leave, that we’d be okay, even though we knew we’d never be the same.
Toni promised to take care of her babies, while tears streamed down her face. Nova and I promised to love her forever. We told her how much we loved her, how she was the best mom ever, and how we’d never let her down. We had to believe heaven was real and that Mom would be watching over us until we met again.
Grandma came and got us, leaving Toni with our mom. As much as I wanted to stay, I knew Toni needed a moment by herself. They had a relationship I never understood and probably never would. Grandma held us tightly and didn’t care that our tears wet her shirt.
