I really shouldn’t bethis distracted if I wanted to survive what was to come. I’d need to be at my best to spy on the elves in the capital.
Which meant figuring myself out.
Now.
Izzy’s words kept ringing in my head:that’s on you, not me. And she was right. She’d been doing everything she could to convince me she wanted me in her life, and I’d kept thinking she didn’t. I hadn’t believed her.
But… why?
Where was that coming from?
And thinking back to when Izzy had told us about the titan, Bayn, none of the other guys had seemed that thrown by it. Why not?
Because they were all secure in themselves. They were all big and strong and not part of the lower echelons of society. Not that seraphim and incubi were particularly high up, but they were on par with nymphs, at least.
But me… for some reason the addition of another big, strong man made me feel more unworthy of Izzy, even though she insisted she still wanted me.
So… why was that?
I stopped in the middle of the wide stone path leading from the southwest end of campus to the shifter’s barracks. It wasn’t late, but it wasn’t evening either, a few people were out. Those that were, ran past me on one errand or another. The campus was quiet, but with an undertone of frenetic tension.
I stood there for longer than I should have as a slow-creeping realization enveloped me.
It wasn’t that I was unworthy of Izzy… it’s that I’dalways beenunworthy… of anything. It was so ingrained in me that I couldn’t shake it.
Shifters were the lowest of the low in elven society. Technically we were on par with hobgoblins and ogres, but in reality, we were even lower. Hobgoblins held a certain place of respect as servants. They were needed to help others, even if it was with the most mundane of tasks. Ogres were respected for their strength, the front-line warriors of dwarven society. They were basically cannon-fodder but still afforded more consideration than shifters. We beastfolk were despised by elves. We’d been taken from the titans thousands of years ago, the spoils of war, and since then we’d been made to fight each other till we died. Supposedly we were defenders of the realm, cannon-fodder, but in truth we’d never seen any battle except with our own kind. We’d been turned into a massive object lesson. Side against the elves and they won’t just kill you, they’ll have you exterminate yourselves.
We were nothing.
Hence,Iwas nothing.
And even as a shifter, I’d never been the smartest orfastest or strongest. I’d stayed alive only by virtue of my shadow abilities. I was stronger now, but that sense of weakness had stuck with me.
And yet, some shifters defied the oppression of our station. Safir had been fighting back his whole life, even if it was in secret.
But he’d had a master who’d treated him with respect. He’d grown up in a place where he’d been worth something.
I hadn’t.
And Safir himself, had — at least in part — contributed to my inferiority complex. To him, I’d always been a tool. Sure, most people were tools to him, but I was a blunt weapon with no real value.
Huh…
I really hated Safir for that. Why hadn’t he shown me some of the respect he’d been shown? I knew why: because I wasn’t as smart as he was. To Safir, value came from brains, cunning, wits. He respected people who could compete with his mind. And I couldn’t compete with him in mind or body.
That’s why I felt so damn unworthy of anything.
And despite Izzy repeatedly telling me I was worth something, I hadn’t believed her, because I was still telling myself I wasn’t worthy. That’s what I believed, in my heart.
But if that’s what I’d always believed, what Istillbelieved, how in hell could I change that?
Someone else telling me I had worth hadn’t worked. Hell, even Izzy making me stronger than any shifter out there hadn’t made me feel any different on the inside. Because despite being — perhaps — the strongest shifter, and maybe even stronger than ogres or trolls, I was still pretty darned low on the power scale of this world. I had no chance against an elf in an open fight. Saldrea had… I shivered remembering what she’d done to me, my mind flinching away from those dark memories. I quickly moved on.
It was becoming clear that my physical capabilities had nothing to do with how I felt about myself.
Maybe that was the key?
Maybe I could be “weaker” than others but still feel I had worth as a person? It seemed simple enough to contemplate, but… how did I get rid of these ingrained thoughts and beliefs?
