“I need a sounding board. I need to figure myself out, but I’m also hoping to figure out… you… and all the guys.”
He nodded, listening.
“And I was hoping we could talk, honestly, about… how we feel.” I gave a little chuckle. “Not something I usually like to do, but I’m willing to be brave if you are.”
The big man nodded.
“Go straight for the deep, intimate stuff?” He raised his brows and blew out a breath. “Sure, I can do that. Do you want to go first, or shall I?”
Wow… just like that? A man who was willing to talk feelings without balking. Koar always surprised me. I’d thought him a big lug of a man, until he’d been insightful and intelligent. Now he was all in about feelings after only just figuring out he wanted to be with me? What a guy.
I really wanted to hear what he had to say, but I had stuff to get off my chest first.
“I’ll go,” I whispered, then… didn’t say anything for a while, searching for words. Koar waited patiently, not trying to prompt me or do anything other than sit there with a calm, supportive look on his rugged face.
I sighed.Okay, here goes.
“I like this little… family I’ve got going here,” I whispered. “You, me, Vyns and Myel, maybe even Rook if he can get his head out of his ass long enough to tell mewhyhe had his head up his ass.”
Koar chuckled at that.
“But… I’ve never been one for deep relationships, and I feel like that’s the way we’re heading. Ilikeyou all, as friends and I find you all very sexy, in your own different ways.”
“Good to hear,” Koar muttered with a grin.
“But, if we were a family then… would you all be, like… my husbands? I don’t know if I… love—” why was that word so hard to say, “—you all like that.” Then, to distance myself from having said the “L” word, I quickly added, “And also, if I care for you all that much, then I feel like you’d all become weak points for me, people others could target to hurt me. It felt horrible when Saldrea did that with Myel and, with all of you…” I trailed off having rant-rambled through that last bit, not knowing where to go next.
Koar shifted a bit closer to lay a hand on my leg, which was still beneath the covers, his touch warm even through the many layers of cloth between us.
“That’s… a lot,” he said slowly. “Let me see if I have this straight. You like us all and find us sexy, but you aren’t sure you love us like husbands, and if you did, you feel like we’d be a vulnerable spot for you?”
“Yup, that’s pretty much it.”
His brow furrowed as he looked away, seemingly contemplating this. “Well…” He drew out the word, as if speaking to break the silence, not quite ready to commit to a sentence yet.
He blew out a breath.
“I’m certainly no relationship expert,” he began, gaze meeting mine again. “But from what I’ve seen over my long life, and all the relationships that worked or didn’t work, it’s not about loving someone like a husband.”
I raised a brow, curious and surprised.
“The couples I’ve seen, who’ve worked, they were more like… best friends who also happened to find each other attractive and wanted a physical relationship. If I ever had to define love, that would be it. Wanting what’s best for someone, giving to them in equal measure as they give to you, which may or may not include a healthy sex-life.”
That was simple… but perhaps also profound? I didn’t know yet. As I pondered, he continued.
“And as for being a weakness, sure, when you care for someone, others can hurt them to get to you, but I don’t think that’s a reason to avoid it. Your partner can also be a source of strength and resilience, helping you through tough times. So, they’re a weakness and a strength.”
Huh…
I shouldn’t be so surprised that a centuries-old dragon was so wise.
Friends with benefits… could be love? Weaknesses could be strengths? It was a lot to take in, even if the big man hadn’t said that much. I mulled it over.
And after I had, I realized… he was right, and itwasrather profound, at least for me.
“I’d… never thought of it that way, thank you.” I shook my head. “I’m so used to talking to people and not getting anything useful out of the conversation, but you’ve hit the nail right on the head… twice.”
His hard features softened a little when that secret smile returned.
