Fliss regarded her patiently as Hattie fumbled for a tissue in her jeans pocket. Once she’d blown her nose and stopped crying, Fliss leaned forward and took her hand, giving it a little squeeze.
‘Okay. You can’t stay, but you want to?’
‘Yes, but I can’t.’
‘Why not?’ asked Fliss with millpond calm. ‘Give me a list of reasons.’
Hattie stared at her for a long moment as Fliss pulled forward the notebook she used around the kitchen and uncapped the pen she kept in the pocket of her apron. Pen poised, Fliss gave her an unflinching I-mean-business look.
Hattie took a deep breath, which steadied her and reduced the sense of panic.
‘Because.’
‘Because?’
Hattie screwed up her face and sighed. ‘It’s a bit more complicated than that.’
‘It’s the ex, isn’t it? asked Fliss. ‘The one that messages you all the time.’
Hattie swallowed, thinking of last time. ‘When I wasn’t there, because I wanted to stay and live in Manchester instead of move in with him, he couldn’t cope with the long-distance relationship. He had a breakdown. Couldn’t even get out of bed. It was awful. It took months for him to get back on his feet.’ Hattie closed her eyes. ‘His mental health is…’
Fliss took her hand, rubbing it gently before saying very quietly, ‘It’s not your responsibility, Hattie.’
Logically Hattie knew that, but if anything happened to Chris, she would never forgive herself.
‘But he … he needs my help and support. I can’t turn my back on him. I have to go back, even though it will be a platonic relationship. I owe it to him.’
Fliss put her pen down. ‘You’re not going to like what I say here but have you considered that you are part of the problem?’
‘Me!’ It was as if she’d been punched in the stomach. The unwelcome observation sat there as heavy as undigested dough.
‘This sounds harsh –’ Fliss held up her hands as if to disown personal responsibility for the words ‘– but don’t you think you might be a crutch for him? You’re an enabler. Enabling him to carry on being reliant on you. Maybe you’re not doing him any favours.’
Hattie stared at her. ‘You’re saying it’s my fault.’ Ouch, that didn’t sit well at all. Was Fliss right?
‘No. It’s not your fault. But things won’t change if you don’t do things differently.’
Hattie rubbed her face, trying to make sense of the complicated rush of emotions at war with each other. Guilt rubbed up against anger, regret fought with disappointment, while honesty flared up at self-awareness. It was hard to pick her way through the confusion.
Defensive now, she said, ‘I’m not trying to make out I’m some kind of saint and the only person that can save him, but there is no one else. He hasn’t got anyone else. His mother is completely reliant on him.’
Fliss reached over her and patted her arm. ‘He’s got himself, Hattie. What if I said Luc needs you?’
Hattie smiled sadly at that one. ‘Luc doesn’t need me. He’s strong enough on his own.’ That was one of the reasons she’d fallen in love with him. He knew what he wanted and where he was going. He had a purpose in life. And they would get over each other. Everyone always did.
‘So you think he doesn’t deserve to be happy.’
‘I didn’t say that… Please don’t make this any harder, Fliss.’
Now Fliss pursed her lips. ‘Well, I think you’re wrong. I know you’re wrong. I hardly know Alphonse, but we’re right together and I’m prepared to give it a try because there’s nothing worse than not trying.’
‘It’s different for you, you were looking for a new challenge. This fits with your plans. It completely scuppers mine. I was never meant to be here.’
‘I’m being selfish looking out for me and what I want, but sometimes you have to be. Each of us has to be the main character in our own life.’
ChapterThirty-Five
The next few days Hattie did her best not to show her misery, which was difficult, even though, with the wedding in less than a week, there was a lot to do. Every day she, Fliss and Solange worked in the kitchen preparing as much as could be done in advance. She owed it to the other two to keep up a cheerful front and not let her inner turmoil show. They’d achieved a lot and the two deep chest freezers Hattie had hired were full of profiteroles, canapés, sorbet, frozen mash potato and wild salmon. This morning they were making more canapés.
