“Yes,” he said. “Why don’t you come early and we can go for a hike before dinner?”
He had the early shift at work so should be home by two. He was off on Sunday as well, so maybe…what? Was he really going to keep seeing her? She made him long for things that he’d given up wishing for a long time ago. He didn’t want to be hurt again. Didn’t want to risk his heart.
There was a part of his subconscious that didn’t see Ava as a risk. But his mind did.
She was too…tempting. It wasn’t just her curvy body or thinking about having sex with her that had him losing sleep. It was her smile, the way she sassed him and tried to boss him around. Even though he’d made it clear he wasn’t going to adopt Gracie, she kept showing him…that he could. That there was a world where he might be a father to this sweet baby.
He started to sweat at the thought. Turning away from Ava, he took Gracie to her bed and nestled the baby in her crib. He traced the Navajo designs that were as natural to him as breathing. Seeing the spider woman, knowing she’d protect little Gracie, he leaned down to kiss the baby’s forehead before turning to walk to the hallway.
Ava waited for him there. “You’re so natural with her.”
“I’d have to be a monster not to be,” he said. He wasn’t about to let her continue to build something in his own mind where he’d risk being a parent to Gracie. His biological mother had walked away from him. More than once. And when she’d left him the last time, he’d never heard from her again.
Sure, he wanted to be all whatever, but he’d waited for a call or a letter from her. A DM or something on socials, but she hadn’t been on there and she’d never reached out. The next time he’d seen her, she’d been in her coffin.
“I’ve got to go.”
“Yeah. You okay?”
No. But it wasn’t manly to admit. His grandmother would scoff at that. Since when did being manly mean not having emotions?The world demands it, Grandmother.
Without a word, she hugged him. Wrapped her arms around his center and held him, her head over his heart, her hair hanging down over his arm.
He resisted but knew that it was a losing battle. Hugging her back, he closed his eyes and rested his head on top of hers. This woman.
Breathing in the floral scent of her body spray, the other essence that was baby powder and the combined fragrance of Ava and Gracie. His heart beat slowly, steadily. Almost as if he could hear a word repeating with each beat of his heart.
He ignored it as long as he could. As he gave her a gentle kiss and said goodbye. Walking to his truck, he didn’t allow himself to acknowledge the word until he had left her neighborhood and was on the highway.
Home.
There it was. Repeating with each steady beat of his heart. The farther he was from Ava and Gracie, the louder his heartbeat and that word seemed to get.
Ava was restless after Chay left. Her nap made it harder for her to fall asleep, so she curled up to read in the corner of the couch where he’d sat. The scent of his aftershave was faint on the pillows.
This night…she hadn’t experienced anything like this since Greg. She’d sort of thought that she wouldn’t connect with a guy again. Not like that. It seemed to her that real connections with other people weren’t that common. It took a lot to find someone she really understood.
Not that she understood Chay. He was so complex, but there was a part of him that she totally understood. Maybe it was her being a therapist that helped her to see it, which she knew was dangerous.
She needed to see him as the man he was and not as a patient, which she totally did. But at the same time, she saw him clearly. Or she thought she did. He pushed so hard against being a father to Gracie, yet he instinctivelywas.
He loved that little girl, and Ava couldn’t blame him. Her heart was full of Gracie. Ava was trying to tell herself that being Gracie’s foster mom was enough, but combined with Chay’s presence in her life, she was starting to want more.
Things that she believed had died along with Greg in his car accident. Of course she was young and there was the possibility that she could adopt a baby on her own, but she knew that wasn’t her dream.
Gracie and Chay were just there in her mind’s eye when she looked to the future. Their faces growing older alongside her own. It wasn’t something that she was sure would happen, but she craved it.
Like nothing else she’d wanted since Greg had been in the hospital and she’d been praying he’d recover. It hurt to want something that badly. She knew better than to let her guard down, but it almost seemed as if it were too late.
Her guard had dropped the minute that Chay had taken Gracie into his arms and gotten her to stop crying. He’d said baby whisperer, but it was more like he was an Ava whisperer.
Just doing and saying the right things. And it wasn’t forced. He wasn’t playing a part, he was just being himself.
Not perfect in any way. He was gruff. That was obvious. He wasn’t overly chatty, but then, she didn’t need that. He was funny. And when he laughed, his eyes crinkled, and God helpher, it was hard to breathe when she looked at him and he was laughing.
He wasn’t made for her, but it felt as if he had been. All those secret parts of herself she kept hidden felt okay around him. Like she didn’t have to pretend to be the best version of herself.
Given that he’d seen her twice with baby food and other mess on her clothes and hair, he knew she wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t like everyone was demanding she be someone she wasn’t, but it had always just been easier to act normal…whatever that was. Watch the same shows and listen to the same music. Be that person that everyone felt comfortable around.
