“Yeah, I’m working at the other center for a few hours this morning, then this afternoon Isaac has asked me to call in at his offices to go over the costs for PAWS. Speaking of which, have you given any thought to working with us?”
“Yes. I just need a few more days to think about it. Is that okay?”
“Of course. Okay. I’ll see you soon. Bye.”
“Take care of yourself.”
“You too.”
We both hesitate. Then I end the call.
Immediately, I regret it. My thumb hovers over her name, and I have to fight with myself not to call her back and tell her I’m being an idiot. To tell her I love her. To beg her to choose me.
I walk back into the kitchen, put the cup in the dishwasher, and then walk through to the bathroom. I have a busy day ahead, and there’s no room in it for falling apart.
Chapter Thirteen
Beth
After talking to Archer, I go to work as normal.
Outwardly, I don’t think anyone can tell that I’m not myself. When everyone asks if I’m feeling better, I respond that I had a migraine but yes, I’m better today, give them a big smile, and get on with my job.
Inwardly, though, I feel as if I’m falling apart. I’m a roiling sea of emotions, and I’m perilously close to tears most of the time, which is unusual for me.
I try to give myself space and acceptance. I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend of two-and-a-half years, so I’m allowed to be upset. And it’s not as if it’s a clean break. He works at the same place, and we have lots of mutual friends. Add that he’s told me he regrets what he said on Saturday, and that it looks as if my sister and her husband are going to split, and it’s no wonder I’m in a muddle.
So far, it doesn’t seem as if anyone knows about me and Jude. Nobody at work mentions him, and there are no sideways glances or whispers behind hands. It’s good in one way, but it also makes it difficult for me to ask around about finding a place to live. I don’t want to stay at Kim and Simon’s when they obviously need time to sort out their own lives. I don’t particularly want to live with anyone else either, but my options are limited until Jude and I sort out the house we were sharing. I pay half the rent, and places in Sunrise Bay aren’t cheap.
As I go through the motions at work, I realize with some surprise that I’m not asking myself whether or not I want to continue with the relationship. Despite Jude’s comment that ‘it’s not that I don’t want kids,’ I wasn’t comfortable with his complicated conversation about it being about the journey and not the destination. His declaration that ‘sometimes your destination changes over time’ still suggests to me that he’s hoping I’d eventually cave and declare I don’t want a family. Andthat’s not going to happen. I want children. And I want a man who is open to the possibility from the start.
Do you want kids?
Oh yeah. When I meet the right girl.
Archer’s words bloom in my brain, and I stop in the middle of changing the bandage on a Yorkie’s leg and stare at the little dog. When I meet the right girl. Did he mean me?
He told me, I’m in love with you. But I keep my distance, because you’re dating my best friend.I’ve been so mixed up that I haven’t thought about it since Saturday. But now it sinks in like a seed tossed into rich soil, sending roots all the way down.
Archer is in love with me. And it sounds as if he has been since he met me.
It’s almost too much for my head to take in. It feels like having been shut in a walk-in freezer for two-and-a-half years, and now someone’s let me out into a baking-hot day.
No, that’s not fair. I blink and continue bandaging the dog’s leg. Jude isn’t cold. He hasn’t iced me out of the relationship. We don’t fit together, that’s all.
Do I fit with Archer?
My whole body flushes with unavoidable warmth. We fit together very well, from what I remember.
But it’s not only about being sexually compatible. Or the fact that he held me all through the night. It’s about… it’s about…
I shake my head the same way the Yorkie is doing. I don’t know what it’s about. My brain has melted. Saturday night was amazing, sensual, passionate, and fulfilling. But it must be because I was tipsy, and it was a novelty, and exciting because it was new. It wouldn’t be like that all the time if we were together.
Would it?
There’s nobody to answer my query, and so my brain rumbles around like a rickety carriage on uneven tracks, and soon it’s lunch, and I wander over to the break room to buy myself a sandwich and a coffee, and take it out into the garden to eat it.
I’m halfway through it when Jude walks in. Isla’s not here today, and although a few others are at the tables, talking quietly or reading, I’m sitting on my own.
