She rests her temple on the back of the sofa. “He told me yesterday that he won’t do another cycle.”
“Oh… Kim…”
“I knew it was coming. He didn’t want to do the fifth, but I blackmailed him into it. Said I’d leave him if he didn’t.” Her bottom lip trembles.
I don’t say anything, because even though her words shock me, I know what she’s been through, and how much she wants a baby. That yearning does something to a woman’s brain. It’s starting to do it to mine. It’s nature, and there’s nothing we can do to quell that broodiness.
“When it failed,” she continues, “I knew. I tried to talk him into it. Said I could feel that it was going to work. But of course it’s all bullshit, and he said as much.”
“It’s horrible,” I say, “absolutely horrific that you’ve had to go through all that and still come out with nothing. But he loves you, and you love him. You’ll get through this.”
“I don’t know. He…” She swallows hard. “He’s had trouble getting an erection when we do have sex. He says it’s because he knows I’m not interested, and that all I want is his baby batter.”
An involuntary short laugh breaks from me at that, and I press my fingers to my mouth. “Sorry.”
Her lips curve up. “It’s okay. It is a stupid term. The thing is… he’s right. And I hate it, but I don’t know how to stop.”
“You’ve been trying for so long. It’s perfectly understandable.”
“Yeah, but if I don’t do something…” She doesn’t finish the sentence.
For a while, the buzz of the hedge trimmer is the only sound in the quiet room.
I have to restrain myself from saying the platitudes that want to roll off my tongue.Don’t be silly. Everything’s going to be okay. He’ll never leave. You were meant to be together.Clearly, they’re in trouble.
“I’m really sorry,” she says eventually, rubbing her nose. “This isn’t what you need right now. It’s just that last night Simon said I’d ruined our relationship and I was going to ruin yours too if I wasn’t careful. And it looks as if he was right.”
“Our breakup was not your fault,” I tell her firmly. “Things started going wrong between Jude and me a long time ago. Last night was just the final whistle. Our relationship was never strong. If it was, the thought of standing by me during possible fertility problems wouldn’t have been an issue for him. I might not have a problem conceiving at all—he pointed that out to me. I mean, Donna was fine, right? I thinkit was just that the talk of children made him realize I was thinking long-term, and maybe that made him come to the conclusion that he didn’t want to spend forever with me.”
I stop as a wave of emotion hits me, and tears prick my eyes. Kim is emotionally fragile, and I don’t want to bawl my eyes out again.
She sees it though, and frowns. “Are you sure it’s over? It wasn’t just a clearing-the-air row?”
“He told me that if I want kids, I’m going to have to find someone else to have them with.”
“Well, yeah, that sounds pretty final, but maybe he was just angry, and he’ll change his mind when he cools down.”
I sigh. “I don’t know. I don’t want to have to talk a guy into it, you know? And it wasn’t just that. He’s so moody, and grumpy all the time. I’m tired of tiptoeing around him. I want to be with someone who’s less complicated.”
“Aw…” She frowns. “Don’t make any rash decisions. Sometimes arguments like this are necessary to clear the air.”
“Yeah, but—”
“I know he loves you. And he is a catch, Beth. He’s gorgeous, he has a steady job, he’s hardworking, and he’s not bad in bed, right?” Her brows draw together.
I flush. “No, he’s a good lover, but it takes more than that to make a relationship work.” For some reason, her words make me bristle. ‘He’s a catch’ somehow implies to me that she thought he was out of my league when we met. That I was like a fisherman who caught a hundred-pound kingfish with a rod, and I was lucky to land him.
It stings because I know she’s right. I’m a seven on a good day, and he’s easily a ten on a bad day. I think it’s one reason I’ve stayed with him so long, because I’ve liked the way women look at me with envy, wondering how I got him.
But it’s not a good enough reason to stay with someone. Because when you go home, it’s just the two of you, and if the relationship is sour, it doesn’t matter how good looking someone is.
I think about how Archer held me, and how he made me feel loved and wanted, even though we were only together for one night. That’s what I want from a relationship. And that’s why I know that Jude and I will never work.
Chapter Ten
Archer
After I leave the Ark, I walk home slowly, uncaring that it’s raining. I feel a complex spiral of emotions like strands of DNA that I can’t seem to separate. Rising to the surface is my heartfelt joy at having had Beth in my bed. Finally being able to make love to her, and then holding her all night, was amazing, better than I’d imagined—and I’d imagined it a lot.
