“May I help you, miss?” she asked. She seemed to notice my tears, her eyes rounding in dismay.
“Go! Get out!” I shooed her toward the door, my voice cracking.
She complied, her face draining of color as she went. I slammed the door behind her and pressed myself against the frame, my body shaking with fresh sobs. Were our circumstances really so fragile? I had heard whispers of debts before, but they were always accompanied by reassurances. That was no longer the case. Our living, home, and name were all irrevocably tarnished.
How could I find a husband now? How could I be desired? I had heard a tale of an earl once enticed to marry a tradesman’s daughter. But how could I bridge such a gap as that? I turned to the mirror against my wall. My cheeks were streaked in tears and red splotches, but in my eyes I saw a flash of determination. Mama was right. I was our only hope. There was no other way to regain our wealth and station. Marrying well had never been as important as it was now. I was still a lady of high breeding, I reassured myself. I was still accomplished and beautiful.
After several minutes, I found myself unable to sit still. I took the candle sitting on my desk and opened my bedchamber door. Flame in hand, I made my way up the stairs to the room that was calling me. I pushed open the heavy door and walked inside, touching the tip of my candle to the other unlit wicks.
The room blossomed in shadows and yellow light. I walked to the pianoforte that was positioned in the center of my music room. Clara’s harp stood in the corner like an abandoned thing, covered in a dust-coated sheet. She had given up the pursuit years ago. I took a seat at the pianoforte and pulled music from the deepest parts of my mind, burying the pain and the fear. I played every song I had memorized. I didn’t care if I kept Mama and Clara and Papa awake. Perhaps they needed the music the same way I did. I was held captive by the notes, driven by something other than the need to impress. The sounds drove through my skin and settled somewhere inside me, uprooting the fear, the questions, and the unknown. I played and played until my hands ached and my soul begged for relief.
When I finally stopped, I felt the silence of the room prickle across my skin. I was empty. Whatever unwelcome feelings that were left inside of me had been poured out, deposited somewhere they could no longer affect me.
I snuffed out all the candles and returned to my dark bedchamber.
There would be no more crying tonight.
Chapter Three
“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”
***
How to catch a husband: Charlotte’s list of requirements:
9. Always remember to smile, despite how mirthless you may actually feel.
10. Always display refinement, even while amongst the unrefined.
These were the only two items I could add to my list before my trunks were packed and my writing supplies were taken with them. Or rather, mytrunk.
Mama had never been a woman to waste time. When there was a matter to be solved, she solved it. Mama had sought the confidential advice of her youngest brother the day after we learned of our misfortune. Her brother dealt directly with the finances of the Viscount Rampton, and offered advice that she reluctantly took. All our possessions were to be sold—besides what we could fit in one traveling trunk. He had kindly offeredto have them sold while we traveled, allowing sufficient funds for the first several months in our new home.
Now, just a few days after learning of our disgrace, we were preparing to journey to Northumberland. The thought made my stomach reel. I had never journeyed north past London. The South was where I had always lived. I didn’t like the thought of living in a place where I didn’t know what to expect. I hardly knew what I could expect from myself.
When I arrived on the main floor, I came face to face with Mama, Clara, and Papa. The weeks to come would be dotted with atrocious inns and nonstop travel. I knew I would have to bid my farewell to Papa soon, but as I considered the thought, I realized how far we had grown apart. I waited for feelings of sadness but they never came. I had never been to France, and I doubted I would visit Papa in his exile.
It was quite possible that I would never see him again.
Clara embraced him quickly, her face firm, before moving outside to stand near the threshold. I approached him and stopped a foot away.
His eyes flickered over mine and he rubbed his jaw. “Goodbye.”
The absence of my name, of any familiarity, struck me hard. Without another word, he turned away, starting in the direction of his study. After a few paces, he turned to me one more time. I thought I saw a twinge of regret in his eyes.
I felt nothing. Perhaps I had learned my coldness from him, or perhaps from Mama. Wherever it had come from, it was all I had. I could not afford to feel any attachments now, not when I had such an important task to achieve.
I turned away from Papa for the last time and joined Clara outside the front door. My jaw clenched against tears, but I swallowed hard to keep them contained. I was leaving this house forever. The thought suddenly filled me with panic. How would Imanage sharing a maid with my mother and sister? How would I manage without so many rooms and sofas and instruments at my disposal? And no cook? We would surely starve. And what would happen when our money ran out? Mama’s brother would not support us with his advice forever. And what more would they give the sister who had never cared that they existed until she needed something for herself?
I was lost in my thoughts when Mama walked out to join us on the drive. There was something different about her face. Her features were settled. She almost seemed…calm.
“Charlotte. Clara. There is another matter I have not yet discussed with you.” She cleared her throat and smoothed the front of her gown. It was one of her finest, and immediately my mind was filled with suspicion.
She continued in a clear, strong voice—the one I recognized the most. “My cousin, Mr. Bentford, has offered me, and myself alone, residence in his country house here in Hampshire. I truly despise the arrangement, but…” she wiped a tear I wasn’t sure I saw, “it is for the best. The bulk of the disgrace will fall on me, so I cannot accompany you to Craster. The driver has my instructions. And Charlotte, you will keep me updated with your progress. I have intentionally chosen a cottage for you near the home of the Earl of Trowbridge. Do not disappoint me.”
A thousand words bubbled inside me but I couldn’t seem to push them past my teeth. “You’restaying?”
She didn’t blink. “It is the most advantageous arrangement for all of us.”
