My gaze caught on his lips. I heard my own heart pounding in my ears. I had never paused to study that particular feature of his before, at least not individually. Well, there were two of them, of course. Two lips. They were full and symmetrical, a soft shade of pink, as most lips were. The scruff on his face was short, barely shadowing the space above his upper lip, his jaw, and the cleft in his chin. I realized how long I had been studying his mouth, my face flaming as I lifted my gaze to his.
My study had taken far too long. Jonathan’s eyes were softer—even a little dangerous—as they connected with mine.
I tried to remember his last sentence, but my head was still spinning. The words crashed back into my mind.I have been giving you exactly what you wanted.
I forced myself to focus, but my heart still refused to slow. “I know I said all of those things. It seemed reasonable, and it still does.” I swallowed. “But there are a few alterations I should like to make if you are willing to listen.”
Jonathan nodded, his gaze still burning on my face.
I could hardly look at him, so I focused on the buttons of his waistcoat instead. “I would like to dine with you in the evenings. I would like to not feel like a pest when we cross paths on the staircase. Besides that, we might try to exchange a few more words every so often so I do not feel like an imposter here.” I caught my breath, falling silent.
Jonathan rubbed the back of his neck in thought. “I will dine with you every other day. That is all I can promise. And I will make a greater effort to speak to you on the staircase.”
I might have been mistaken, but I thought I heard a hint of amusement in his tone. He did not realize how fragile my emotions were at the moment. Only every other day? My chest tightened with anger. “I hoped that you might be able to spare me an hour of your time each evening.”
“I have other responsibilities.”
“Such as?”
He didn’t answer.
My skin heated. “You think that you are the only one who had to make sacrifices by marrying me, but I have had to make them too. I gave up all that was familiar to me only to be isolated here. You may enjoy solitude, and you may choose it, but I never would have chosen it for myself. I gave up the comforts of my own home, the closeness of my family, my horses, and many of my dreams because you happened to be on the beach the same morning I was.”
He scowled, taking a step closer. “What dreams did you give up? Young ladies dream of living in houses like this, having bounteous pin money, and the freedom to do as they please.” His eyes searched my face in exasperation. “I have provided you with a pianoforte, as well as painting, drawing, and embroidery supplies. I have not denied you the opportunity to go to the village to shop for bonnet trimmings or frames…ormaterialsfor your other pastimes. What is it that you feel you have been so robbed of?” His accusatory tone only made me angrier.
“You are describing Charlotte’s dream, not mine.” I glared up at him. “You don’t understand. I never wanted this. I know this is a concept that you might not understand, but there are ladies who want to be adored and understood by a man, not simply showered with riches.” My skin burned hot. “Love is what I feel robbed of. It may sound silly, but I have always dreamed of love and romance. I have never even kissed a man.” The confession blurted out before I thought better of it. “I realized that it’s quite unlikely that I ever will, considering our decision to…keep our distance from one another.” I gulped, stealing a glance at his face.
He was listening carefully, his brow still furrowed. I should not have, but I peeked at his lips again. My stomach fluttered with a strange wave of longing, and it only grew stronger when I met his eyes. The pull between us was tangible, and I could hardly draw my next breath. “At any rate…my lack of a first kiss has been rather bothersome,” I finished in a quiet voice.
Jonathan’s gaze flickered to my mouth, then dragged back to my eyes. The slow transition made my heart leap. What on earth was I doing? Was I asking him to kiss me? That had not been part of the plan I had devised earlier. Not even close.
“Are you asking me to remedy that?” His deep voice sent a shiver over the length of my arms. How could a mere voice havethat effect on me? But it wasn’t just his voice. It was the way he was looking at me; it was intense and soft at the same time.
I told myself to relax—surely he wouldn’t actually do it. During the past ten days, I hadn’t been able to imagine Jonathan Croft doing anything but frowning with those stern lips of his. I had nearly forgotten what his smile looked like, and I certainly hadn’t imagined that he would ever kiss me.
I inhaled deeply in an attempt to clear my head, but I only caught his scent again. It made my eyelids heavy. “Of course not.” I took a step back, swallowing hard. “I wouldn’t ask that of you. I was simply complaining. Unleashing my frustrations.” I flashed a quick smile, suddenly eager to return to my room in the north wing. I started to step away, but Jonathan caught me by the arm.
My gaze shot up to his, but he closed the space between us before I could draw another breath. He was kissing me. The thought came a few seconds late—his lips were already moving against mine, his hands sliding into the hair behind my ears. A shiver spread from his fingertips, trailing across my scalp and all the way down my back. I had never felt anything like it. My arms hung limp at my sides, stunned and immobilized like the rest of my body.
When I finally came to my senses, I touched his chest, sliding my hands up over his shoulders and around the back of his neck. He wrapped his arms around my back, pulling me closer until there was no space left. His mouth captured mine again, but harder, with more passion than I would have ever expected he could feel. Was he only pretending? Was he just trying to give me a kiss I would remember? Either way, it was working.
I would never, ever forget this.
My body melted against him, my legs unsteady. I anchored myself with a handful of his hair. My heart raced, and my stomach swooped and fluttered like seabirds. The intensedetermination of his kisses made my head spin, but I didn’t want him to stop.
Just as the thought crossed my mind, his lips parted from mine roughly. His eyes raced over my face, his chest rising and falling quickly. My heart hammered fast in my chest. Was he already regretting it?
He took a step back, and silence fell between us. What could I say? There were no words to describe what had just happened. I was already doubting that it was real—but then I saw the hair sticking out at the back of his head and the flush on his lips. I still felt the weight of his embrace around my body, the pressure of his fingertips on my waist. My lips burned. My legs shook beneath my skirts.
His voice finally broke the silence. “There.” His throat shifted with a swallow. “You have your first kiss.”
I wanted to reply—but no words came out.
And then he had the audacity to turn around and walk down the staircase.
Chapter Nineteen
JONATHAN
