She wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“It’s okay, I’m on the pill anyway,”
“All right, that’s good then.” Cubby was sure he should be way more relieved than he was.
“So what are you feeding me?”
“Chicken salad.” Her words were cool, which was fine with Cubby. He was not the only one who needed to remember that this was just a brief thing.
“Need any help?”
“No, I’m good. If you want a soda, help yourself. I’ll bring the food out here when it’s done, then after we’ve eaten, we can run over the case.”
He took the soda then sat outside and watched the night settle fully around them. The air smelled good, fresh and crisp, and he should be a happy man about now, after great sex with a hot woman who was about to feed him; so why the hell wasn’t he? What more could he possibly want, and why was he off balance suddenly?
“I thought I could do this, but I can’t.” Katie was standing in the doorway to the cabin, her eyes wary as she watched him.
“Can’t do what?
“This, you and me.”
“There is no you and me, it’s just a bit of fun, princess.” His throat tightened, and he fought the urge to rub it. “We both knew the rules going in.”
“Your rules, not mine.”
In that worn shirt, face bare, hair hanging in wet curls she looked about fifteen, and his chest felt heavy and warm looking at her.
“I love you, Cubby, always have and possibly always will, and this”—she waved a hand between them—”is not helping. Especially as you’ve told me repeatedly that there will be nothing more between us.”
“You said you didn’t love me.” Cubby had to stand, because he couldn’t seem to breathe easy while sitting. “You said you were over it.”
“I’m not.” Her words were flat and emotionless. “And while I told myself I’d settle for whatever you gave me, I’ve realized now that I can’t. It hurts that you keep pushing me away, that you won’t even try to love me or have a relationship with me, so I’m not doing this anymore. I need to stop punishing myself and realize that. I’m not sure why I’m so unlovable to you, but I’m done beating myself up about it.”
“It’s not you; I’m the unlovable one, not you. I can’t love someone. I don’t have it in me.” Cubby needed her to understand that.
“That doesn’t make any sense, and I’m not going to try and figure out the shit that is inside your head, Cubby. Your problem with your father and your belief that you’re like him is an issue I can’t solve for you, because you won’t let me get close enough to try.”
“Katie—”
“No.” She shook her head as he moved toward her. “I can’t do this, Cubby, and I know you never promised me anything, so this is on me. I’ve done a lot of thinking since I came back here, and I need to start liking the person I was and the one I’ve become. I need to cut myself a break and start being kinder to myself, and you’re not helping that. When I’m with you I’m constantly wondering why you can’t love me, and I don’t need that in my life anymore. So we’ll be polite when we come across each other.”
“Katie—”
“No, Cubby.” She raised a hand to stop him getting any closer. “I’m going to leave here as soon as I can find a position. I’m not going back to LA. I’ll find somewhere a few hours’ drive away, so I can see my family, and with distance and time I’ll get over you again, and eventually find someone else to love who thinks I’m worth loving back.”
The thought of her with another man made him want to break something. “You’re worth loving, just not by me, princess.”
“I don’t buy that, because if you loved me even a little, you would want this… us, but you won’t even try, which tells me you’re not capable of loving me.”
“The problem is mine, not yours, princess.” He needed her to understand that.
“And that is bullshit, Hawker. You’re a goddamn intelligent man, and you’ve let the memory of a dead man haunt you, when every day of your life you prove how different you are to him.”
“You don’t understand—”
“No I don’t, and I never will. But since you can’t love me, this can go no further. Being with you hurts, and I’m done with the pain. So go home to your empty house and enjoy your life and the occasional woman who drifts through it, and stay the hell away from me!”
He saw the pain and anger on her face before she slammed the door, and then Cubby heard the lock click. He stood there staring at it, wondering what the hell had just happened. Katie loved him and she didn’t want him to hurt her anymore. He’d never wanted to hurt her, that was why he’d told her from the start that nothing could come of this. It was not like he’d treated her badly, he told himself. He’d kissed and held her as if she were too precious to let go. He’d played with her and talked to her for hours, and suddenly he was an asshole in her eyes.
