Fuck, could she be more special? And could I be more unworthy? Camden stroked Elena’s cheek. He took a deep breath and prepared to lose her.
“When you said I didn’t know what it was like to be a parent, it killed me. You don’t know—you had no way of knowing—how much those words hurt. Because I never told you. I pussed out every time I tried.”
And there it was, the dawning realization in her eyes.
“I was a parent, Elena. I was a daddy to a little baby girl.”
Elena covered her mouth. “Was?” she whispered behind her hand.
Camden looked down. “Was. She…Chloe, her name was Chloe…she and my wife, Susan, they died because I fucked up.”
Elena dropped her hand. “I can’t believe that. There’s no way…you justcouldn’t.”
“But I did, Elena. I was still an active SEAL and I was so damned proud of that. Proud in the wrong way. I thought that I was hot shit, that my life, my needs, took priority. I was out saving the fucking world, right? I let things slide at home. I expected Susan to carry the slack. All the slack. I was barely there, barely in my daughter’s life. I took time to be there when Chloe was born, then you know what I did? I went on another deployment as soon as I could. Because that little tiny baby, my little Chloe, she scared me more than the entire Taliban put together. I didn’t know jack shit about being a dad.
“My parents are great, don’t get me wrong. But, my dad was more interested in his grad students and his studies than he was in trying to raise a family. My mom did all the caretaking right from the moment they met when he was studying abroad at Cambridge. After they got married, she followed him back to the US where she did all the childrearing. My aunties pitched in when they were in town or when we visited them in London, but that was it. Otherwise, my mom was pretty much on her own. At times, I heard her even refer to my dad as ‘her oldest.’ He leaned into the absent-minded professor shtick when it was convenient, so she was the one who took care of all the school pick-ups and drop-offs, paid all the bills, and arranged for handymen and all that shit, and she did it without complaint. So I never realized how hard that was. How unfair.
“And when I got married, I assumed—no, Iexpected—that it would be the same for Susan. And she did do all that, my Susan, and she did it well, and she did it without complaining. Always with a smile for me when I came home from my latest deployment. Up until after she had Chloe.”
Camden scrubbed his face.Now comes the hard part.
“The pregnancy was hard on her. Really hard. Again, I wasn’t there for most of it, so I didn’t know the full extent. Labor was hard, too. She was anemic and exhausted going in, and I had no fucking clue. I was too full of myself to notice the worried looks the nurses gave her. Because, look atme, I’m gonna be a daddy.” Camden cringed.
“When we got home with Chloe, Susan was totally cashed. I figured that was normal. Labor looked fucking exhausting. I thought she’d be back to her old self, taking care of everything like a boss in no time. But until then, I had this scary little creature who demanded so much all the time, to help take care of, and it freaked me the fuck out.”
“Camden, babiesarescary, especially when you don’t have any experience.”
He held up a hand. “Don’t make excuses for me, Elena. Hear me out, okay? I’m not saying I didn’t love her. I loved the hell out of my baby girl. I lived for the quiet moments in the middle of the night after Susan got her breastfed, and Chloe’d close those big blue eyes and drift off in my arms while I rocked her so that Susan could get some more sleep. Those moments were the best of my life. Even though I was more scared and exhausted than I ever was in the sandbox, I cherished that time with my daughter. I thought how awesome it was gonna be when she was older and I could teach her all the cool dad-shit my old man taught me, the times he was present and not off lecturing or writing a book.”
Camden swiped away a tear. “Which makes me an even bigger shit that the rest of the time, all I could think about was getting away. Going back overseas where I didn’t have to worry about taking care of this tiny, breakable miracle I’d helped make. Nope, I left that all up to my wife. Just one more fucking thing for her to handle all on her own. The biggest fucking thing ever.”
“She must have had other people, Cam. Where werethey?”
Camden laughed bitterly. “Oh, no. No, I took her away from that. She had family, sure, but they resented me. I was some dumb soldier boy she fell for, when they’d wanted her to marry up, marry a nice golden Harvard boy. Someone, ironically, more like my father.”
Camden went silent, ashamed. This was the first time he’d ever talked it all out with another person. He’d held so much back from the shrink they’d sent him to after. The doc was so overworked, he was more interested in writing a scrip for antidepressants that Camden would never take than in helping him dig out his pain.
“So, once I thought Susan had her strength back, I signed up for the next deployment. And then I re-upped for the next one. And I ignored how each time I came home, she wasn’t quite back to her old, efficient self. She was letting things slide. Not with Chloe—never with Chloe—she was a wonderful mom. My baby girl had the best mom who did exactly what I watch you do, which is take care of her daughter to the detriment of her own needs sometimes.”
Camden held up his hand before Elena could protest. “I heard what you said earlier, and I’m in no way, shape, or form throwing anything in your face. I respect you, Elena. I’m in awe of you and what you’ve done to give that sweet girl a life full of love and hope and light, no matter what darkness and full-on shit that went on around you two. That washard. It’s still hard. I understand that.Now, I understand that.” He wiped away more tears and noticed that Elena was crying, too.
“So, Susan was letting things slide. Some bills got missed and paid late. The kitchen wasn’t as spotless as it had always been. Laundry piled up. And me, I thought I was being fucking magnanimous by not pointing it out. Yeah, I thought I was being a real big man, when I was actually being a lazy, spoiled ass and not pitching in to help. I did the fun part, playing with my daughter while I ignored the problems. The mess. My wife’s needs.
“So, when she finally asked for help, I actually got mad. I got indignant. I hid behind my job, my all-important, world-saving job. It was a cover that kept me from admitting that I wasn’t taking care of my woman—and by extension, my daughter—the way I’d promised I would when I asked her to marry me knowing her family would more than likely turn their backs on her. Which, they did.”
Elena’s face flushed red. “That’s onthem, Camden, not you. They abandoned their daughter, Theirgranddaughter. I never met them, but I know them. And they can go fuck themselves.”
God, she was adorable, the fierce way she spit out the word fuck. Fierce, but still adorable. She really did hate them for what they’d done to Susan. To the woman Camden had loved before her. Where other women might be jealous, or want Camden to stop talking about Susan, Elena felt compassion for her, even empathy.God, she’s too good for me.
“What?” she asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I’m looking at the most beautiful, big-hearted woman I’ve ever known and wondering how she can tolerate me right now.”
“Because I love you. Even when you’re telling me something hard and ugly.Especiallywhen you’re telling me something hard and ugly, because I know it has to be hell on you, but you’re trusting me with it anyway. I just wish you’d told me this before I went off on you. I never would have said the things I did. Never.”
Camden closed his eyes and leaned forward to rest his forehead against Elena’s. “I think I needed to know that you loved me before I was strong enough to tell you something that might make me lose you.”
“Camden,” she whispered. “There’s nothing you could tell me about your past, about Susan and Chloe, that would make you lose me.”
