“I know about you and the doctor and the baby. You three are cute together. Why not marry her?”
“I-ah-my wife died,” I blurted, my words spilling out. “And I—I—to do it again…” I swallowed.
“Oh, I get it.” He waved his hand as if to sayno big deal. “You’re afraid it’s going to hurt. Well, sometimes it does. But take some advice from an old man.” He waited until I made eye contact and he was certain that I was paying attention. “Enjoy every minute together that you can. You think life will go on forever, but it doesn’t. It’s short. And precious. Every single minute of it is precious.”
A lump got trapped in my throat.
Anihadbeen the best thing in the world for me. She’d awakened me from the dead. Not just woke me up—startled, shook, and stunned me awake. Made me care about—well, everything. And she hadn’t been afraid to call me out on my fears. Somehow, she’d known them better than I did.
“I’m near the end of my time with my wife, but I’d still do everything exactly the same.” He looked up at me, his eyes watery. “Don’t miss out on a beautiful life.”
I got up. I squeezed his shoulder, but he was too choked up to talk. Actually, I was too.
If I’d suspected that I was short on brain cells before, this solidified it. I’d been so afraid to love, to be hurt, to have pain—but I’d realized that it was already too late. Because Iwashurt. Iwasin pain—the pain of being petrified that I would never get to spend my life with Ani.
I found myself desperately wanting two things: one was for Mrs. Russ to have a clean, simple fracture with a great prognosis so that I could deliver this nice couple some good news, and the other was the end of my shift so that I could go and try to make up for all my dumbness.
I was granted my wish on the first count. Mrs. Russ had a non-displaced intertrochanteric fracture, which was fancy talk for the best kind of hip fracture possible. It didn’t get her out of having surgery, which Caleb, the orthopedic doctor who saw her, scheduled for the next day. With the right rehab program, she would do great.
At last, my shift ended. Back in my office, I was taking off my white coat to hang it up when I felt the cardboard postcard in my pocket. I pulled it out, staring hard at the pure white sand of Grace Bay Beach, the turquoise water, the pier, the azure sky.
This was where I’d said goodbye to Liv and hello to Ani, when I was so full of sorrow that I could only hold myself together by regimenting every aspect of my life.
I was about to shove the postcard into my desk drawer when I dropped it, and it landed handwriting-side up. I read the back as I put it away.You’ve got to see this place! Having a fun time, so don’t worry about me. See you soon!
This time, I noticed something I’d missed before. A little squiggly arrow that pointed to the three tropical flora stamps she’d affixed to the right upper corner. Hmm. I held the postcard up to the light, but I couldn’t see anything. My heart began to beat a little faster as I picked off the stamps with my fingernail with all the zeal I’d normally use to rub off a lottery ticket.
I told myself that this was not going to be a message from beyond. Of course it wasn’t. But any message from her would be a blessing, even a silly one from years ago.
Finally, I got the stamps off, but not until I soaked the corner of the postcard in some water I’d poured into an old coffee cup. When they finally floated off, I blotted the postcard dry on my pants.
Book that ticket!It said in tiny letters.It will change your life. ILY4ever, Liv
She’d signed it the way she signed everything.ILY4ever.
I was a little overcome. So much so that I had to sit down, which I did, and read the words over and over.
I tried to pinch my nose when the tingling started, but I just broke down. I heaved a sob. And then another. And then I started laughing. I had to close my door to get myself together.
I wasn’t a woo-woo person, but I’d always wanted to believe that Liv was somewhere up there, looking down on me. A star twinkling in the heavens, or a shooting star. A bell ringing when an angel gets its wings. But a postcard?
It wasn’t postmarked from heaven, but in my opinion, it might as well have been. I clutched the postcard to my chest and just sat there, thinking. About how love is a funny thing. That you can love someone a lot, but you can love someone else a lot too. Wounds can heal, and you could move forward. Ani was my forward. Ani was the rest of my life. And now I knew that was okay.
I wiped a tear from my face. “Thank you, Liv, for those wonderful years.” I pulled open my drawer and ran my fingers lightly over the glass of our photo. “And for looking out for me. I love you, honey.” I paused. “I always will.” I placed the postcard inside the drawer and quietly shut it.
Then I went to start living the rest of my life.
Ani
The next day was Monday, and letters in hand, I walked into a plain brick building near the hospital. Wheeling the stroller with a Rosie dressed to impress in a sweet pink jumper over a little white collared shirt with rosebuds, I’d stopped to put on Cathy’s little pink booties with the rosebuds too, but Rosie had already pulled one off and was working on pulling off her sock too.
I’d been talking to myself in the mirror all morning in between getting both of us ready, presenting my case. The fact that virtually everyone I knew had written me a letter so quickly and was so supportive made me even more confident that I could explain to the head of the agency, Hugo Rothstein, that I felt misrepresented.
I was heartsick about Adam, but I couldn’t dwell on it. The stakes if I screwed this up were too high. Had I been prideful because I wanted it all—not a half-hearted proposal given in a moment of panic? Maybe I was too much of a dreamer, always shooting for the stars, but I believed that I was a good mother, that I was capable. I wouldn’t be intimidated.
Which was all fine and good, but life wasn’t a fairy tale, as Adam had said. Bad things happened. Sometimes the truth didn’t prevail, and what if I lost her?
He’d texted me good luck this morning, which made me cry. Forget the marriage proposal, I wantedhimby my side, with his calm collectedness, his staid reassurance that everything would be fine. But I was no longer a runaway bride on an airplane trying to drown myself in Bloody Marys. It was high time I learned to rescue myself.
