I’d sat there while Ms. Nelson was grilling Ani and googled statistics in our state that seemed to favor married couples over single people for adoptions. It was apparent that this womanwas disapproving and hard-core, and I could tell that she wasn’t thrilled with any of Ani’s answers. It was almost like she’d wanted her—us—to trip up.
I turned to Ms. Nelson, who was still sitting there with a sour look on her face, no doubt because of our PDA. I kept my arm around Ani and said as confidently as I could muster, “Ms. Nelson, sometimes extraordinary circumstances require extraordinary measures. I adore this woman and this baby. Together, we are committed to giving her a great life.” I paused. “Also, I want you to know I’m hiring a personal lawyer to look over all your agency’s paperwork to make certain we’re being fairly represented. We wouldn’t want any mistruths or exaggerations now, would we?”
Ms. Nelson, possibly flustered by this new turn of events, quickly gathered all her paperwork and shut her big, horrible binder. “I believe we’re done here. Congratulations on your engagement.”
As soon as the door shut behind her, I backed up to the sofa and sat. I tried to take a couple of deep breaths without looking like I was doing that, which probably only made me seem weird. Ani was examining me now, in that assessing doctor way. And I feared that she was smelling a rat.
She sat down next to me and grabbed my wrist. “Your pulse is pounding. Your skin is that dull, yucky color of the walls in your house. Either you’re having a heart attack, or you’re scared out of your wits. Which is it?”
She knew me. Inside and out. Sometimes, that was the best thing. But now it was the worst.
I managed a smile. “That was…that was one tough interview.” I tried not to reach up to wipe the sweat accumulating on my brow.
That seemed to pacify her. She nodded, sat down next to me, and took my hands in hers. They were warm and soft and fit sowell, interwoven with mine. That calmed me a little. Reminded me of how great we were together.
“Adam, I was so frightened. I thought I’d lost Rosie.”
“I would never let that happen.” There. That sounded like me. Of that I was one hundred percent certain. If only I could feel that way about everything else.
Maybe Ani knew that what I’d done was to save the interview. Maybe I wouldn’t even have to explain further.
She searched my eyes for a long time, as if reassuring herself that I’d been sincere. “I love you,” she said again.
Okay, maybe she’d taken that proposal at face value. “Me too,” I managed, holding her as she rested her head on my chest. I had to force myself to relax my muscles, to not appear as rigid as a piece of steel.
Ani lifted her head and gazed solemnly into my eyes. “Adam, I’ve never felt as comfortable with anyone as I am with you. I know that these past few months have been a whirlwind, but I know you’re the one.” She pressed her hands to her chest. “I know it with my whole heart. I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done.”
Of course we made love. I kept telling myself that all this was for the best, that I would’ve never forgiven myself for not doing everything I could in that moment. But I was rattled. In bed afterward, Ani clung to my side while I held her in the most comforting way I could. Yet in the darkness, I stared up at the ceiling, wondering,What the hell have I done?
Ani
The next morning was Saturday, and I awakened to the smell of fresh coffee and also to a fresh panic attack. I’d slept terribly, having nightmares of a comically dressed Ms. Nelson with smeared red lipstick snatching Rosie away and cackling like the witch when she stole Toto and stuffed him into her bike basket.My nightmares had brought clarity, making me realize that I’d gotten desperate during that interview, willing to grasp at anything to get things back on track. But the straw I grasped at came at an enormous price—I knew that now. And I didn’t know what to do.
The previous night, Adam was quiet and stiff and out of his usual jokes, the biggest indicator that something wasn’t right. He’d seemed preoccupied during our lovemaking and soon rolled over and went straight to sleep, also troubling.
I grabbed a cup and said hi. He already had Rosie up and changed. She was sitting with him in the recliner, their favorite chair, chugging her morning bottle, her little hand rubbing back and forth over his as I kissed her on the head and took in her sweet baby smell.
She loved him. He loved her.
It all seemed perfect. But I knew in my heart that it wasn’t.
I’d always been amazed that Adam seemed to sense when something was wrong with me without me saying a thing. Apparently, I could do the same, because I was definitely feeling major unsettling vibes radiating off of him in every direction, despite his extra calm demeanor and his tightly controlled smile.
“Hey, I—”Are we okay? Can we talk?
“Hey, watch this,” he said at the same time, effectively cutting off my panicked train of thought. “Rosie learned a new trick.”
“Okay, Rosebud.” He set down her bottle, got up, and transferred her to a blanket he had spread out on the carpet. “Let’s show Mommy what we learned.”
Mommy.
Stab my heart. I actually clutched my chest.Motherwas a privilege, an honor. One that I wasn’t sure I would ever fully achieve. I looked at this big man sitting on the floor with this smiley baby, and I saw how fleeting life could be. How precious. How lucky. How fragile.
I loved him, plain and simple.
I cleared my throat. “Hey, I’m meeting Sam and Mia for coffee this morning,” I said. I needed some clarity. I needed my friends to help talk me down from this crisis. I needed to get away from here and think.
He raised his brows. “Oh, okay. Well, watch this.” Rosie was on her back, kicking up a storm as he held up her favorite cow rattle, the one with the gross ear from her sucking on it all the time. Of course, she immediately grabbed for it and brought it straight to her mouth.
