“Yeah. I like food.”
“Okay. Sure.” She shook her head. “Derek won’t set foot in the grocery store.”
“I’ll cook dinner for you two one night. I don’t want you to feel like you’re doing extra because I’m here. I don’t want to be any trouble. I know I showed up at a bad time.”
Her mouth twisted. “Kind of bad, yeah.” She hitched a small shoulder. “It’s okay, though.”
He studied her. “What are you going to do?”
“What do you mean?” She tipped her head to one side.
“Sounds like Derek’s pretty firm on not adopting.”
“Or having me impregnated with another man’s sperm.”
“Uh…yeah.” He shifted on his stool. “So…? You’re okay with that?”
Her full lips pushed out. “No. I’m not okay with that.” She swiped up a drop of coffee off the granite counter with a fingertip. “I don’t think Derek understands how much I want children.”
Children. Plural. One baby from China wasn’t going to do it.
“Why?”
She frowned at him.
“Why is it so important? And why doesn’t Derek get it?”
“It’s the most important thing in the world.” She stared at the counter for a long moment. “It’s what I’m supposed to be doing. I feel like …” she hesitated, looking around the room. “I feel like I have all this love in me.” She put a hand over her chest, drawing his attention to her breasts beneath the grey cotton. He couldn’t help but notice she wore no bra, pointy little nipples poking through as she pressed the fabric to her chest. “I have to…share it. Ineedto. I want to bring a new life into the world and…love it and look after it.” Her eyes glistened.
Ah, shit, she was going to start crying again. He glanced around for a box of tissues, but sawnone.
“Do you know what I mean?”
He recalled the emotions that had chased through him at the news he was going to be a father. Excitement. Awe. Fear. Because, like she said, it was so important. Screwing up was not an option. He nodded. “I guess so.”
“Derek doesn’t. And now I feel so betrayed. I thought he understood, I thought he felt the same until last night. We’ve talked about what we’d do if we couldn’t have children of our own. But…”
“What?”
“Derek always believed it was my fault.”
“It’s not anybody’s fault.” He couldn’t let that go. There seemed to be a lot of blame flying. “It isn’t something you can control. If you weren’t able to get pregnant for some medical reason, he couldn’t blame you.”
“But that’s how Ifelt.Like he was blaming me for all the shit we were going through. And I do feel responsible. Even now…when we know it’s him.”
“Again, not his fault.”
“I didn’t say that.” Then she sighed. “Sorry. I don’t blame him, Nate. I still feel like it’s all my fault, because I’m the one who wants a baby so badly.”
“He doesn’t?” That didn’t make sense.
“Not the same way. He wants a baby because that’s what you do. People get married, have kids. But he doesn’t agonize over it like I do. So even though I’m sure he’s devastated by knowing he can’t have children, he’d be fine without.”
“You can’t blame yourself.”
She laughed. “Oh yes I can. And Derek…well, never mind. Want some breakfast?”
“Just some toast, maybe.”
