I sit there for a minute, then push away from the table. “Thanks for dinner,” I mutter.
“Hey!” Mabel yells behind me. “Balls just called! They’d like to know if you want a pair!”
I pause at the door. “Hilarious.” Then I stride out.
I’m getting pretty sick of being called a coward.
Down in my own condo, I pace back and forth in front of the windows, the lights of Manhattan across the river creating a floor-to-ceiling piece of glowing art.
Is she worth working for? Jesus fucking Christ. She’s worth everything.
Nothing of value comes quickly. You have to work at it.
Nikki said that. That was why she worked so hard at her music. It was important to her.
I scrub my hands over my face. Mabel just dumped a whole lotta shit on me and I don’t know what to do with it.
She loves you.
Well, maybe so, but she still left me to go to L.A.
She felt guilty for letting them down.
Shit. Why couldn’t her parents have come to see her when I was around? I would’ve made sure they didn’t lay a guilt trip on her. I know how important it is to her to make them happy. To make them proud of her. She thinks that accident was her fault. She thinks she let them down because of that. What a load of bullshit.
That song…
I grab my phone and open the music app. What was it called…? “No Matter Where.” I find it and start playing it.
Christ, hearing her voice so close is such a beautiful pain. I grip my phone as I listen. She’s fucking amazing.
“No matter where this road may go, I’m still yours… just so you know.”
I sit on the couch and listen to the song over and over, probably about a hundred times. I close my eyes as a corkscrew twists into my heart.
I think about her and all the cute, silly, sweet moments with her. Wanting to adopt a dog on the spot. Running in terror from a witch ghost. Naming her sourdough starter. Making me laugh even though she was hurting inside.
I swipe at my wet face with my hands. Christ.
There’s something about music. It tells a story in a unique language and gives your feelings a place to take shape when you might not even know what your feelings are. This song might be sad, but it’s also hopeful and lovely, and it lets me feel the emotions inside me. It’s a fucking messy stew of emotions right now. And when music speaks truth, something we relate to—wanting something or someone you can’t have, the aching yearning of it—it hits harder.
What if… what if I could have her? What if I could give myself to her? So she didn’t have to feel that yearning anymore.
But… what if she rejected me again? That’s what this is really about. I’m terrified.
Fuck.
I really am a chicken shit.
But even more than being rejected, I’m afraid that… I don’t know how to love her. I don’t know how to love someone… and be loved. I’ve never done that. Other than my family. I’ve never let myself find out. Was that why I didn’t fight for her? Fuck! Iamspoiled and lazy. A chicken shit.
Man, this whole process is fucking hard on the ego. Jesus. I press a hand to my chest.
I’m afraid I can’t love her like she should be loved. Like she deserves to be.
Mabel was right. And Nikki was right. I admire her for how long and hard she worked at her music to be a success, because it was important to her.
And she is valuable to me. The most valuable thing in my life. And I have shit to do.
