When she wasn’t sure what to do about her dad’s cheating, I told her that it wouldn’t help matters if she continued to drag it out. That, at any given moment, she could make a choice torelieve herself of the discomfort it caused. And she did. She told her family after months of living in fear.
“Your shit wasn’t as fucked up as mine.”
“I didn’t know we were comparing.” There’s an edge of hurt in her words, and for a moment, I think she’s going to hang up.
“We’re not, it’s just…fuck.”
“You can hang up, Colson. Really, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize, because I know you’re going through something and the reason you’re saying these things is due to the film it’s casting on you. That’s not to say it doesn’t hurt. Just that I understand.”
A beat passes. “I don’t want to hang up. I also don’t understand how you’re being so decent to me after finding out everything I kept from you. I’m doing shit I would have never done before…” Before Mom died.“But…I don’t know. I was with a friend tonight. We were hanging out and then all of a sudden, I couldn’t fucking breathe.”
“You couldn’t breathe?” There’s alarm in her voice.
“I’m better now.” I really am. Her voice has done the trick like I knew it would. It’s taken over my senses and calmed me. I mostly just feel exhausted now with the remnants of an upset stomach. “But it took calling you to get me there. I miss my mom, and it’s all so fucked up because I shouldn’t. All the shit she did… Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t miss her at all, but then this love for her pours through me and…”
“And what?”
“I’m left realizing I’d go through it all over again. I’d go through all the bullshit again if it meant that she could come back.”
She sighs, but she’s not upset with me. She’s listening, letting me lean on her in a way she’s asked for since my mom died. I don’t know why I choose tonight to let her in when I’ve pushed her away every other time she’s tried being there for me. Maybeit’s because I want her to know that Iamthe man she got to know. That just because I lied to her doesn’t mean I’m a different person entirely.
I’m still me.
“Then there’s you, and if there’s anyone I miss just as much as her, it’s you. I miss you so fucking much, Vi. Ihateseeing you because it makes me feel shit I don’t want to give attention to. The other night when you showed up with Finn, it wrecked me. Seeing you in his sweatshirt? You know how badly I wanted to rip it off you and cover you with mine? How hard it was to hold myself back from touching you after I shattered you to fucking pieces?”
“Colson—”
“No, I know. I did this. I lied to you. I pushed you away. I told you I wanted nothing to do with you, but I don’t know how to be with you right now. I can’t taint the way you shine. My darkness will devour your light, right now, Violet. It will, and I can’t do that. Ican’t. I can’t be the one who diminishes how goddamn gorgeous and amazing andperfectyou are.”
But I also need you.
I need you so fucking badly.
I let out a shaky breath. My plan wasn’t to drop all this on her. I just wanted to hear her voice. Pretend for a moment that I was the old me and she was still mine.
“Colson, I can’t…”
I can’t do this with you anymore.
A long moment passes before I reply. “I know, Vi.”
Then I murmur a goodbye and end the call.
THIRTY-FOUR
COLSON
A fist comesat my face, and it’s quick as a motherfucker. I don’t see it coming, but that might be because it’s my first fight in about a week. I’m starting to wonder if Tommy has something against me. I’ve never gone with so much time in between since I started, and he’s been giving me looks that aren’t exactly friendly.
I don’t know what I did to him, but he’s acting like I took a giant dump in his Cheerios.
He always works with the other ringleaders for equal pair ups. But tonight? Non-fucking-existent. I’m pissed because he could’ve at least given me a heads up. He could’ve pulled me to the side and told me to watch my back, to cinch my elbows in tighter, and lean into my weight for more powerful hits, especially since if I lose, he doesn’t get paid, which then becomesmyproblem.
A grunt leaves me when I strike my opponent back. I’m big in stature at over six foot, but I swear this guy has a solid foot on me, which only means he has that much more muscle. I look like a hobbit compared to Bigfoot. My lack of control has my anxiety at an all-time high. I’ve made sacrifices to be here, to do this, and this is how Tommy does me?
It’s fucked up, even if it is my choice to continue.
I make sure my fists are quick, my feet quicker. It gets me so far, but the dude is too big for me to gain a real advantage. Two steps, and he has me along the edges of tonight’s ring.
