Thefword.
The one I don’t want to hear.
I bypass it and ask, “Tell me about your day?”
“Sure,” she says easily, as if she didn’t admit to not knowing who I am the last time we were together. “Olive is here so we’ve be?—”
“Your sister is in Georgia?”
“She is.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “I chose not to spend my entire break back at my parents, so she decided to staywith me so I didn’t spend the break totally alone. It was sweet of her, really. I’m happy I get to see her.”
“I’m sensing a but coming,” I mutter, trying to get in deep breaths.
“She’s just…hang on a second.” There’s ruffling on the other line, and I hear what I’d guess to be a door clicking shut. And then another one. “Sorry. We were hanging out earlier and she fell asleep in my room. I didn’t want to wake her. Anyway…she kind of showed up out of nowhere. Didn’t tell me or my parents that she was planning to stay with me. I’m trying not to be the overbearing big sister, but I’d be lying if I said I haven't thought about something being up with her.”
“She loves you,” I remind her. “I’m sure if anything was going on, you’d be the first person she’d come to.”
“Yeah,” she breathes out. “Maybe. The guys are having this get together tomorrow for New Year’s Eve. She’s adamant that we go.”
My shoulders relax and the intensity in my tightening muscles waver, too. Hearing her talk about her sister and whatever else is exactly what I need. The perfect distraction.As always.
“You don’t want to go?” I ask her.
“Um, no, not really.”
“Why not?”
“Things have been kind of too much lately. I’d rather just be alone.” A tiny twinge of discomfort hits me in the center of my chest. Her heartbreak ricochets through the phone, and suddenly I’m feeling it, too. The hairline fractures settling into my bones are nothing if not agonizing. “How have you been? Still fighting?”
Yes, I’m still fighting…
Against my grief.
Against knowing who my father is.
But also with my fists with no plans of stopping.
“Yeah,” I choke out.
“Why?” she quickly asks. “Why are you doing this to yourself, Colson?”
I run my hand over my forehead and into my hair. The darkness of the room encases me in a cocoon. It makes me feel like I don’t have to watch what I say. Like I’m free and it’s okay, if only for these short moments.
“It numbs me,” I tell her, figuring honesty is key at this point. I kept too much from her before and don’t see the point in doing it any longer. I breathe through another ragged breath. “It just…I don’t feel anything when I’m doing it.” It’s the best thing I’ve been able to give myself since Mom died. The truest and most honest form of reprieve.
After her, of course.
“You don’t have to cover up how you feel when it’s completely normal.”
Normal or not… “I didn’t ask to experience this, Vi, and it’s crippling. I’ve pushed myself to do a lot of things in my life. Hell, I scrounged up ten grand to keep her safe, but I can’t do this. I can’t wake up each morning with this insurmountable misery knocking the breath out of me each step.”
“Youcan. And you don’t have to do it alone.”
“I’m a nuclear bomb, Violet. Anything I do or say, there’s a ten-mile radius under the fallout. You saw it for yourself the last time you were with me.”
“It’s not too late to make better choices for yourself. You taught me that, remember?”
I do.
