My eyes sting with sadness, with happiness, with every fucking emotion under the sun. I miss her, and no one knows how badly I wish I could’ve gotten this version of her. Thecleanversion. The version that was free-spirited and carefree, yes, but also loved and cared for those around her.
Forme.
“Janie always did what she wanted, even back then, but she was close to her true self there. It’s the oldest photo I have of her looking that way.” Aunt Bess explains. “I wish we all would’ve gotten more of that.”
I trace my thumb over her face.
“I think that’s how we should remember her. How she looks in that picture. So happy and excited for the future. She was seven months pregnant with you, and…” She clears her throat, and I know seeing her is getting to her. “And she was just so excited to meet you.”
I’d do anything to make this picture reality. To transform her from paper to person. It’s a stab to the chest knowing I can’t. Knowing that I miss her so goddamn much but can’t do a thing about it.
Her reliance on her addiction was always the most important thing in the room. All the times she shoved me to the side, didn’t fill the house with groceries, or made me feel a certain way. Now that she’s gone, none of that seems to matter as much.
In a sad, fucked up way, I sort of wish I was still dealing with all of it. Because if I were, it would mean I’d still have her.
Now I’m alone in the trenches.
“Thank you,” I mutter, pressing a knuckle to my eyelid and swiping the wetness away. I don’t look my aunt or uncle in the eye as I ball up the wrapping paper and set it to the side.
“There’s more,” Uncle Thad announces. “In the envelope.”
I dip my chin and open that, too. It’s your standard holiday card. I flip it open, bypass the cheesy heartfelt poem and see a check.
Each line has Uncle Thad’s scripted handwriting, and in the little rectangular box on the right is a one with four zeros behind it.
I look up at them—What the fuck?—then back down to the check. “What’s this?”
Aunt Bess sighs. “It’s what you used to pay off your mother’s debt with Clyde. You shouldn’t have had to deal with that on your own. I wish you wouldn’t have been so scared to come to us. And since you won’t be receiving her inheritance, we thought it’d be nice for you to have it back.”
I snap the card closed and just like that her words stir a tsunami inside me. Water pelts my skin. Anxiety builds in my chest. “I don’t want this.”
Aunt Bess looks taken aback. Uncle Thad sits forward on the edge of the couch, elbows resting on his knees. Sebastian is so damn quiet I forget he’s in the room with us.
“What do you mean?” asks my aunt, taking offense.
“I mean exactly what I just said…I don’t want it.” My jaw clenches. I’m pissed all over again at her for keeping shit from me. But how upset am I allowed to be? We both kept stuff from each other. That doesn’t keep me from saying, “You can’t buy my forgiveness. You can’t give me a check for ten grand after the news drops that you paid Clyde to stay away from me all these years.” My voice cracks, but fuck it. “I could’ve had a father figure in my life, but you kept that from me.”
“She did it to keep you safe,” my uncle says in that deep yet reserved voice of his.
“No she didn’t. She did it for herself.”
“Had I not done it, he would’ve eventually swooped in and convinced you to get into that lifestyle of his,” she explains despite the hurt written in her eyes.
“How do you figure?” My brows pull tight. “He wanted nothing to do with me, anyway. Hell, maybe he would’ve stayed away entirely on his own.”
She shakes her head as if she doesn’t believe that to be true. “Maybe when you were smaller, but then he would’ve pounced on you. He would’ve dug his claws in and hooked you.”
I look at her. “I don’t understand how you’re so sure knowing what he would’ve done.”
“I know because it’s what happened with your mom. With Finn as well.”
I blink. “What are you talking about?”
Ever since I can remember, Finn always leaned into his upbringing. He was calloused long before we ever hit adulthood. Clyde's lifestyle was imprinted on him the second he was born. So what the fuck is Aunt Bess going on about? Why is she talking about them like she’s been in their lives all these years?
Like she knows them.
What else is she keeping from me?
