“Finn’s mom fell pregnant with him months before your mom found out she was having you. He had a reputation for cheating when we were in high school and ran around on Janie, which is why I never cared for him much. I bumped into Finn’s mom once years later in Harrison Heights. At the grocery store on the corner near your mom’s.”
I huff out an exasperated breath. “Wow, every time I see you, I learn something new.”
“It was one of the times your mom just got out of rehab. I brought her home and stopped there before getting on the 401 to come home. You and Finn were young, but she warned me that while Clyde might not have wanted you then, that he had plansto recruit you for his drug running once you were old enough to take care of yourself. She told me that he’d sweep in, put on his charm long enough to convince you, and that’d be that. She was sick over him already having an influence on Finn at the time.” My aunt purses her lips. “I wasn’t going to risk the same thing happening to you. I wasn’t going to risklosingyou, Colson.”
“So that was that? You just believed every word she was saying to be true?”
“You might not understand it, but she was coming to me as a mother, as a nurturer. I could tell she had already lost her baby boy to Clyde’s money-hungry greed and illegal activities. The look on her face when she spoke to me…she was grieving the loss of a son she never truly had but had to raise each and every day, anyway.”
“That doesn’t make what you did okay.”
“I didn’t say that it did, but I wanted the best for you, so I did what I thought was right at the time. I did what I thought would keep you safe because your mom was already long gone by then. She didn’t care enough to keep you out of trouble, so I did it for her. It’s what family does.”
I don’t know what to trust.
What to believe.
I look down at the check again. I think about the money she must’ve handed over to Clyde to keep him at bay. I think about all the missed opportunities. Of what it would have been like to have a dad to turn to growing up. All the things I should have had but never got.
I reconsider the few interactions I’ve had with Clyde. I imagine the hardness in his stare when Finn nearly drove me off the road near the battery plant. I hear his cold voice in the back of the car before Finn broke my finger. And I hear his condescending tone in Stewart’s office. The way he was so sure of himself. The fact that he didn’t give a damn that he was takingsomething that wasn’t his. That he did it in a way that proved his lack of conscience.
I think about his love for money and how Aunt Bess might be right. It’ll always overshadow his care for me. Beyond that, part of me wants to forgive her for doing what she did. But then the other part is still so damn pissed over her ripping that choice out of my hands when I was so little. For never giving me the chance to make my own decision on the matter.
“It wasn’t right,” is what I murmur next. “None of that should’ve happened.”
She scoots to the edge of her seat. “It shouldn’t have, but it did. I understand that it might take time for you to forgive me. It’s difficult to process, but always know that I did it for your own well-being. I did it because I love you. And yes, I also did it selfishly because I wanted you inourlives. I didn’t want to risk that being taken from you or us.”
She stands then, walks over to me, and leans down to wrap her arms around my shoulders. Like the asshole I’ve been lately, I don’t hug her back, but that doesn’t stop her from whispering, “Merry Christmas,” into my ear. Then she rounds the sectional and disappears up the staircase.
Uncle Thad follows her a moment later, but not before giving me a comforting shoulder squeeze to scare away all the doubt I’m treading.
The water is so close to my mouth, I can sense the sharp twinges of pain that’ll come when it enters my lungs. I never expected so much turmoil out of Mom’s death, but it literally ripped the rug out from under us. I think we’ve all felt like our feet have been in the air ever since.
Is it always going to be like this?
Am I always going to feel so out of control, so empty, soalone? Or will a time come when the tides turn and the water spits me out?
Sebastian moves to a sitting position once his dad leaves the room. “Surprised you even decided to show.”
“You’re not the only one.”
There were a handful of moments I wondered if showing my face was worth it.
“How’ve you been?” he asks.
This awkward tension zips through the room. It’s sporadic and doesn’t flow in a straight line. I know I need to address that night, to apologize for the shitty way I handled myself.
I turn my face in his direction but don’t look him in the eye. “I shouldn’t have put my hands on you.”
“But you did.”
“Yeah, I did,” I admit.
“Do you feel like shit about it?”
“More than you know.”
He slaps his hands against his thighs and stands. “I guess we have nothing to worry about then.”
