It’s beendays since I sat in Colson’s lap, and we held each other. As much as I hate the distance and wouldn’t have imagined saying this a week ago, I’m glad for it. I’m hoping that when the time comes that he needs someone, he remembers that I’m someone he can confide in.
Until then, my main goal is to distract myself. Finals are doing a decent job of reminding me where my attention needs to be. I’m wholly focused on my notes, running my finger over the text repeatedly and then scribbling the information I need to know on notecards so I can memorize the material I need for my upcoming exam.
Finals week starts tomorrow. Less than twenty-four hours until I find out if I’ve fucked myself on all the hard work and effort I’ve given this semester because I chose to get caught up with a guy.
Then I remind myself that I need to trust my abilities, that I’ve never screwed up too badly on exams before and that my love for Colson is bigger than any tests I’ve ever had and any I’ll ever endure.
It’s strange to think about how I so willingly gave up trying with Webber but am acting like an entirely different person when it comes to Colson.
Because you actually love him.
“Focus,” I tell myself, squeezing my eyes shut then opening them to look at my chicken scratch. I normally pride myself on how neat my notes are, but I don’t have much in me to perfect them. I’ve lost the desire to keep everything neat and legible.
I try keeping my attention on studying, but when I eventually fail, I leave my desk for a glass of water. I lean against the kitchen counter and drink, filling it again and chugging a second once I finish.
I spent time in the apartment gym this morning. I let the yoga music take me away and only allowed myself to feel the sting of the stretches. Everything except for the strain on my heart faded. But my muscles are stiff and achy, and I know it’s because I haven’t hydrated myself well enough this week. I’ve lacked taking care of myself to be there for others, but if I don’t get a handle on it soon, everything is going to feel about ten times more overwhelming.
I put my cup in the dishwasher then turn for the cabinets. I’m rummaging through them, searching for something to snack on when someone enters the room. I know it’s not Everleigh because she’s with her sister, which means it’s Sylvia.
I twist around with a bag of tomato-basil crackers in hand and spot her at the other end of the kitchen, her blonde hair pulled back in a French braid. A hot pink skirt stretches over her thin waist and ends about five inches from her crotch. She paired a matching halter tank with it, and I’ll be honest, it’s a cute combo, but it’s not something you wear out if you’re just meeting up with friends in broad daylight.
“Hey,” I greet with a careful smile because as much as I’d like to bypass this awkwardness, that’d be rude. It’d be somethingshe’d do, and it isn’t right. Even after all the messed-up things she has said, I push down my feelings and play nice. “Going out?”
She wears her best poker face, and I can’t tell if she’s zeroing in on a fight or if she’s going to let the tension float away. My hope is for the latter. The last thing I have the energy for is fighting with someone who sees nothing wrong with the way they act.
She makes her way to the alcohol cabinet in the corner and eyes the selection inside. “Meeting up with Fletch and the guys.”
“Sounds fun.”
Who am I kidding?
It sounds like the worst idea ever, but I’ve given up on trying to convince her otherwise. For some unknown reason, she’s become friends with them and sees them daily. I don’t know why, but I’m at the point where I understand it isn’t my business. We’ve grown too far apart for me to insert myself in her life.
She grabs a clear bottle. I catchvodkaprinted across the label before she reaches for an empty stainless water cup in the next cabinet over. You’d never know what’s inside of it unless you popped the lid and sniffed. She drains the vodka into the cup, then takes the little bit that’s left like a shot. She licks every last drop off her lips then sucks the straw into her mouth and drinks it easily from her canister. Like it’s water.
I ignore the urge to tell her what she’s doing is not okay. She hasn’t been her usual self since last year. It tears at my heart to see her so distant and turning to external vices that will only amplify her problems.
She turns to place the empty bottle into the trash bin and moves for the foyer. Before she gets very far, I step forward and pull at her wrist. She turns her gaze on me in slow motion. Hereyes flick down to my hand on her, but it’s almost like she’s in a daze and zoned out.
She’s not the girl who laughed at the thought of Colson breaking up with me a week ago.
Sylvia has always been known to have strong opinions and not sugarcoat anything, but this is something else entirely. We may not be on the best terms, but her walking in, barely saying a word, and just leaving is so unlike her character that concern immediately washes over me.
“Sylvia, are you okay?”
Her brow lifts in challenge as my eyes bounce between hers. Her voice is flat and lacking life. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
My attention moves down to the cup in her hand, and I choose to tread lightly. Maybe she has convinced herself she’s good, but she most definitely is not. She’s not around much, and when she is, she’s cooped up in her room sleeping or getting snappy with me and Everleigh. I don’t know if she’s going to her classes like she should be or if she’s planning to show up for her finals. Just because she was in the quad the other day doesn’t mean she's actively participating in her studies.
I don’t mention how we both know her cup is filled with eighty-proof liquor. I have no idea how she’d react, and I’m not certain I’d be able to handle one of her outbursts amped up on alcohol and whatever else seems to be in her system.
Not when I’m going through my own stuff.
Stuff she doesn’t even know about because we’ve grown so far apart.
It hurts knowing how attached she, Everleigh, and I were freshman year, and now we can’t even be bothered to keep each other up to date with what’s going on in our lives.
So quickly, we’ve gone from friends to complete strangers.
