“I’m not asking you to decide right now.” I cut him off before he could refuse me. “I just want you to think about it. That’s all. Poplar Springs would survive without you.”
Brian sank down on a chair and dropped his head in his hands for a minute before looking up at me. “I can’t leave here. If I resign as sheriff, it’ll result in tragedy.”
“Brian,” I said carefully, “not even you can prevent tragedy.” Where was he going with this? He seemed burdened by something terrible.
“I could have, but I wasn’t in a position to do it.” His tone was sorrowful, heartbreaking.
“What are you talking about?” I sat next to him and put my arm around his shoulders.
“My dad and Luke,” he said after a minute. “It’s my fault they’re dead.”
“That can’t be,” I said instantly. “You weren’t the one driving. In fact, you weren’t even working that night.” At least, that’s what I’d been told. Had he been scheduled to work?
“Right, it was my day off.” He turned his face to me. “I was the newest deputy; I should’ve been on the clock. Instead, I went hunting.”
“Brian, you couldn’t have known there would be an accident with fatalities. And how exactly would you have stopped your brother from getting behind the wheel drunk? You weren’t with them.”
Brian had always wanted to go into law enforcement. In high school, he’d interned at the sheriff’s station every summer, learning the ropes under Sheriff Holmes. He’d decided to go to college to get more education and training under his belt before officially beginning his work for the sheriff’s department and had graduated early from the University of Texas with a degree in criminal justice. He’d mapped out the direction he wanted his life to take while I was plotting ways to escape.
“Holmes had appointed Ike Sigsworth chief deputy with the intent that he’d become sheriff when he retired, so he was assigning more and more duties to him. Ike was a sorry excuse for a public servant. Everything became lax, and people got away with things they shouldn’t have.”
I had no knowledge of that since I hadn’t been in town, but I wasn’t connecting the dots in what he was trying to tell me. “What does that have to do with the accident?”
“Luke was a reckless driver, always going too fast and taking chances he shouldn’t have. He would throw back a pitcher of beer and get behind the wheel without a thought to his safety or anyone else’s. Ike was his friend, which meant that Luke got a free pass when it came to what he referred to as ‘minor infractions.’ My brother had zero repercussions for his bad behavior, so he didn’t stop.” His voice cracked on the last words.
I started to shake my head and forced myself to stop. Even though I knew deep in my heart that Brian was wrong about this, I couldn’t force him to see that.
“You think the accident is your fault because if you had been a more established deputyandon duty, you could have prevented Luke from being reckless? If he wouldn’t listen to you before, what makes you think he would have listened to you if you’d had more authority?”
I remembered Luke well enough. Everyone saw him as the golden boy who could do no wrong. As a result, he’d been arrogant. And it was highly unlikely that he would have toned his behavior down just because his little brother told him to. If anything, he probably would’ve taken offense to Brian daring to tell him what to do.
“If I had been on duty, I might’ve seen my brother behind the wheel and stopped him. If I had been the chief deputy or sheriff, I could have done more,” Brian insisted “If I hadn’t gone to college, if I’d joined the sheriff’s department right away, I could have found ways to rein my brother in. He and my dad might still be alive. That’s why…that’s why I can’t trust anyone else todo the job. It has to be me. Do you understand now why I can’t leave?”
I kissed his temple, unable to find any words of comfort that might help him. His belief wasn’t rational, but it was forged in profound grief. Until he realized that he wasn’t responsible for his brother’s actions, he’d stay bound to this town and his job. And nothing I could say or do would change that.
THIRTY
BRIAN
Istared blindly at the paperwork I’d been shuffling around on my desk. It had been two days since my late-night discussion with Caitlin in my kitchen. That very night, she’d moved back into the guest room instead of sharing my bed any longer. Logically, I understood why. We both needed the space to think things through. All the same, though, it hurt more than I’d expected and we’d skirted around each other since.
Her, because she was waiting for me to make my decision. Me, because I didn’t want to say the words that would send her away for good. She was determined to leave and it wasn’t possible for me to go with her. We were at a stalemate.
I reached for the files and finished signing off on all the post-rodeo reports, then read through the other files Sofia had left on my desk, but my vision was swimming, and I couldn’t focus. I heard Mack and Parsons come in and I hoped that neither of them wanted to speak with me right now because I couldn’t guarantee how I’d respond. I’d yelled at Mack yesterday for yet another over exuberant traffic stop, and Sofia had waited untilthe other deputies left before pointing out how much of an asshole I’d been to him.
She was right and I hadn’t argued about it, which had surprised her. What excuse could I have offered? My personal life was crumbling around me and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
Even if nothing could fix things between Caitlin and me, I still wanted to see her. I rubbed my head in irritation and reached for my now empty coffee cup. How much coffee had I already consumed this morning? Another cup wouldn’t help; I needed to eat. So, I grabbed my hat and walked across the street to Bite and Brew for lunch. I’d sit in Caitlin’s section, as always. She’d wait on me, smile, maybe flirt a little. I needed that from her for as long as I could have it without having to contemplate “what then.”
“Hey, Sheriff,” Aurora greeted me. “Usual table?”
“Please,” I said and walked to a booth that faced out onto the street.
“Brian,” Caitlin said, coming up to the table with her note pad in her hand. Her smile was in place, but I detected tension in the way she carried herself. Her shoulders were tight and there were lines and dark circles around her eyes that she’d tried to cover up with makeup.
When I saw her, I couldn’t keep pretending that things were okay between us. I had to tell her now that I couldn’t leave my job or Poplar Springs.
“You’ve decided, haven’t you.” Caitlin didn’t frame it as a question. She didn’t have to.
