“Not a problem, darlin’. Try and get some rest.” Ellie keeps me wrapped in her arms as we watch them leave. Then she ushers me back into the apartment and locks up behind us, setting the alarm once more.
“I can’t believe he did that,” she mumbles under her breath.
“Did you see the look in his eyes?” I ask her, my body still trembling.
“He’s a mess.”
“He’s worse than a mess. I can’t even imagine what must be going through his head,” I tell her. It hurts. It physically hurts to think about what he’s going through. I know the pain, I understand it. I can feel it, but him? I don’t know.
“You’re both dealing with things in your own way,” she tells me.
“I know, but damn. Is it wrong that I don’t want to see him right now? Should I have just listened to him?” Ellie crosses the space between us and grabs my shoulders in her hands.
“Listen to me. You’re doing what you need to do for you. He needs to understand that and do the same. He isn’t helping you by doing this.”
“I can’t get the look in his eyes out of my head,” I admit as tears fall down my cheeks.
“I know it’s hard. I know that was a lot to handle, but you’re doing well, Anika. You’re working on you.”
“That doesn’t make it hurt any less,” I tell her before pulling away and turning, heading to my room.
I close the door behind me and walk over to sit on the bed. His eyes. The pain that I saw is burned into my memory. I will never be able to unsee that. I will never be able to shake those images from my mind.
With a sigh, I wipe my eyes and lie down, pulling my pillow to my chest. Then I bury my face in it and sob harder. I don’t know that I can do this.
Chapter 17
Patch
My head is pounding as I walk out of the police station. They held me overnight, making me sleep off all the alcohol I’d consumed. They could have charged me, but they didn’t. Not that I give a shit.
Kal is standing by the truck as I walk over to him. He pulls a pack of cigarettes out and offers me one, which I take and light up.
“You wanna tell me what that was?” he asks.
“I fucked up.”
“No shit. Why’d you go over there?”
“I needed to see her. Or at least I thought I did.”
“And now?”
“I know she doesn’t wanna see me. The pain I fuckin’ saw in her eyes, I put it there,” I tell him. Kal shakes his head, coming to stand in front of me.
“You didn’t put it there. They did. She needs space, Patch. She needs time,” he says, repeating the same thing that everyone has been telling me.
“I fuckin’ heard you! I heard all of you. Give her time, give her space. I’ve done that!”
“What is it with this girl? You didn’t want a relationship. You made that shit clear to anyone that would listen. Now you’rechasin’ her around like she’s your old lady,” he says. I run my hand through my hair and blow smoke into the air.
“I don’t want a relationship.”
“That’s funny considerin’ how you’re actin’.”
“My heads a fuckin’ mess, Kal. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doin’ anymore. What I did to her …” I let that sentence linger.
“What you were forced to do to her. They would have killed her, Patch. Do you fuckin’ doubt that?” I shake my head. I don’t doubt that. I saw the way that man was. “Then what the fuck? You saved her by doin’ what you did.”
