Forever.
If I could hurt him just bytouchinghim now…
I ripped off the cap on the whiskey bottle and gulped down several sips, praying the fire of the alcohol would burn away the snaking tendrils of anguish and panic that were twisting their way through my chest.
I couldn’t do this to him… he couldn’t live like this. I would never forgive myself if he ever learned what it was like to be forced to exist the way I had.
To have no one.
No touch.
No warmth.
No comfort.
Just endless days floating alone through rooms full of people until you lost your fucking mind and finally just ended it all…
There had been days when I’d thought about it.
Planned it.
I knew where I would do it.
How.
What tools I would use.
I knew what the note would say.
But then… NOVA had sent me Milo’s application essay, and his words had made me feel like maybe therewassomeone out there who understood… someone I could maybe foster a true friendship with. Someone who reminded me so much of my father that I knew I couldn’t end my life. Not until I met this mysterious person who had an outlook on life so bright and full of possibility that it reminded me that itwasn’t supposed to be like this.
I’d struggled with the idea of having pathways and growth invite him in for an interview.
Seb and I had already been chipped, and as much as I tried to lie to myself and pretend like we weren’t unwilling prisoners here, I knew the truth deep down.
The huge paychecks that came with being the Chief Memory Therapy Officer meant nothing when I wasn’t allowed to leave campus to spend any of it.
“Why would you ever need to leave? You have everything you could ever need and more right here,”Luke had crooned to Seb and me the first time he’d caught us trying to leave with our new shock collars installed.
He was technically right. Anything I could ever want was available right here on campus. There wasn’t anything on the outside that I couldn’t get from Neurovance…
But… it didn’t matter how lavish the cage was. It was still a cage, and the second I realized I could never leave, I’d never wanted to do anything more.
So when NOVA sent me Milo’s application…
I had known.
I’d known on some level that if I brought Milo here and Luke discovered how much smarter he was than me, I would basically be sentencing him to a life in chains right alongside me.
But…
I was so fucking selfish.
I couldn’t do it anymore.
Human beings weren’t built to live like this.
We needed companionship, conversation…touch.
