“Yes, Milo! Mr. Reynolds is currently in his cube.”
What?
How long had he been home? Why hadn’t he come to get me?
I wanted to ask NOVA, but I wasn’t sure if she would tell Jay I was asking, and that felt weird… Should I just go over there? Maybe he didn’t want to see me, and that’s why he hadn’t come by after work?
I anxiously spiralled for a few more minutes before deciding—screw it.I was going over there.
He was theone who had pursuedme.
He told me I didn’t have to worry about him breaking up with me. He said being with me was worth the risk.
I was sure I was catastrophizing this. I would go over there and talk to him, and everything would be okay. I was getting all worked up for nothing…
Sure, Milo.
Keep telling yourself that.
Ugh.
Ignoring the mean little voice in my head that kept telling me I wasn’t enough, I straightened my glasses and tugged on the hem of my little brain shirt before stomping over to Jay’s cube.
NOVA play: Cough Syrup by Young the Giant
My hands were shaking.
I hadn’t had an attack like this since they told me my dad was never coming home again.
I’d been able to keep it together on the way back from The Cave, but the second I shut the door to my cube behind me, everything started to fall apart.
What if I couldn’t touch him anymore?
The thought slashed through my mind violently, and I nearly choked in my desperation to numb the pain of that very real possibility. Stumbling through my dark cube, I ripped open cabinets as I tried to track down the bottle of whiskey Seb had given me for Christmas the year before.
I couldn’t go back to being alone… I couldn’t do it…
My breath turned choppy as I carelessly shoved a box of bagged spices out of the way in my desperate need to get to the alcohol I had stuffed behind it.
Before Milo, the last person to hold me properly had been my father.
I hadn’t kissed anyone in nearly ten years. There had been a few desperate hookups with other Neurovance employees when the aching need for human connection had gotten to the point I could no longer ignore it… but… those had always been transactional. Quick, careless fucks in dark corners.
Each time had been unsatisfying and had left me feeling lonelier and emptier than I ever had been before, so I’d even stopped seeking even those small stolen moments.
Milo had made me forget how hard it had been.
He filled up the lonely corners of my heart with his shy smiles and beautiful mind. Every time he let me hold him, it felt so good that I sometimes found myself fighting off tears.
That’s all I’d wanted for so long.
For someone to let me hold them.
Touch them.
To make me feel like I wasn’t here alone and forgotten.
A burning lump grew in my throat at the thought of that all being over now.
