He frowned. For a second, it looked like he wanted to close the distance between us, but he didn’t. He sat very,verystill, and I realized he was doing his best to appear non-threatening.
“You can tie me up if you want to, Shemhazai.”
I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose as I tried to sort through my feelings and communicate them properly.
“I know that. But I don’t want tohaveto, Gabriel. I told you I don’t want to hurt you right now. I thought youdiedtoday. I want to be able to be gentle. To make you feel good. But my brain is screaming at me that I’m exposed… that if I don’t tie you down, you’re going to tiemedown and hurtme…Which isstupid.You’re obviously not going to do that.”
“It’s not stupid. It’s your fight or flight response kicking in. What’s different now than before? We’ve slept together twice now, and you didn’t need to restrain me then.”
I met his gaze and pressed my tongue into the inside of my cheek. I didn’t want to make him feel guilty about something he was likely grieving over himself, but…
“I think it was because of your wings. I didn’t have my clothes on, but I was still protected. Covered… byyou.I couldn’t feel threatened by the very thing that was protecting me.”
I flinched, waiting for Gabe to look hurt or upset at the mention of his wings. But he didn’t; he just nodded quietly and bit his lip as he mulled over what I had said.
“So what do you want to do?” he finally asked, and I blinked.
“What do you mean?”
“What do you want to do? What do you need from me to move forward here?”
I was so shocked I felt like he’d slapped me across the face.
No onehad ever asked me a question like that before. I was so taken aback that mymouth parted.
“Who the fuckareyou?” I gaped, and he looked baffled at my question, then chuckled softly.
“I’m Gabriel,” he said almost quizzically, and I let out a dry laugh.
I don’t know what I did to deserve a Gabriel, but I’m so fucking glad I found one.
“What do you need, Shemhazai? Do you need time? Do you need to get dressed? Do you need to tie me up? Or do you need me to drop this all together for tonight? We can work up to this if it’s too much right now. You’ve already been through a lot today.”
“I’vebeen through a lot? You’re the one that almost fucking died!” I snapped, and he nodded, giving me his usual calm and comforting look.
“Yeah, and you thought the angel that has already taken so much from you took away someone you finally allowed yourself to love, despite the fact that loving me terrifies you—so yeah. You’ve been through a lot today. If you want me to drop it, I will.”
“I don’t want to fucking drop it,” I snapped, surprising myself.
For once, Gabewasn’tpushing me, and it made me feel like I failed.
It made me feel like I needed to push myself.
If I didn’t face this mental block now, I might never face it.
I needed to work through thisnowwhile it was fresh and I was feeling so protective of him. Once he was healed, I was worried I wouldn’t be as motivated to be gentle.
I didn’t want to give myself any excuses to avoid confronting this.
“Alright.” He gave me a slow nod. “Tell me what you want me to do.”
I nodded and suddenly found myself pacing the bed in front of him. I chewed my thumb, thinking.
I needed to take baby steps.
What was the most non-threatening position we could start in?
Slowly, a plan formed in my mind, and I forced myself to stop pacing.
